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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit fed up that the granny's have claimed mother's day?

153 replies

grumblinalong · 20/03/2009 17:48

I've had a rubbish day, I'm feeling pretty fed up after a hellish week and I suppose I am being unreasonable and feeling sorry for myself because DP told me to buy my own mother's day present. I'm going to have a moan anyway.

I feel like mother's day has been taken over by DP's mum and my mum's wants and wishes and I feel a bit pushed aside. We have to go for a whole family Sunday lunch in a stuffy pub for MIL, when I told my mum this she was put out and proceeded to invite us for sandwiches and cakes late afternoon 'so I can see the boys on mother's day.'

DP in all fairness said I didn't have to go for the family lunch but he would have to take the DS's - I do actually fancy seeing my offspring that day though! So now my mother's day is going to be spent driving the kids miles, stressing about keeping them relatively calm in the pub, driving miles again to my mum's and feeling obliged to eat when I'm probably not going to feel like it.

I think that I'll just console myself that it's an over commercial venture anyway and I don't need making a fuss of on a designated day arranged by the card company's to show that my sons love me.

OP posts:
ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 23:43

Super posts 2rebecca.

LilyBolero · 21/03/2009 00:33

'leading ladies'. Blimey, when did we all become so self-obssesed? So many people are so worried about whether they will be appreciated enough on Sunday, they are resenting giving anything to their own mothers or mothers-in-law.

LilyBolero · 21/03/2009 00:35

And fwiw, my mother was 49 when ds1 was born. But clearly 'past it as a mother'.

MadamDeathstare · 21/03/2009 03:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

delphinedownunder · 21/03/2009 03:15

I like the emigration option too. here is a sample of a phone conversation between me and my mum.

Mum: It's mother's day today. All the other old bags lovely ladies on my street have received flowers. Pause. I've been watching the vans arrive all day. Pause. I went and bought myself a bunch of freesias to put in my window.

Me: Is it? It's not here. Have i told you that DD can sing all of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 08:33

'She'd never demand our time or to be the sole centre of attention on any day. She's happy with visits whenever it's mutually convenient.'

I think that this is the problem-my mother and MIL are like this so it really isn't an issue-if I could see them on Mothering Sunday I would be very happy to. I think that those who are complaining are just as bad as demanding MILs. It all seems Prima Donarish to me with the MY day. I am not demanding anything-it will be nice if my children treat me but not the end of the world if they don't and I certainly didn't expect the older generation to stop being mothers when I became one.
I find it very strange to have the attitude 'you have had your turn it is now all mine'!
It seems a lot of fuss for something that is only a commercial day for most people.

PuppyMonkey · 21/03/2009 08:37

Well since everyone ignored me earlier, I'll post it again... see the grannies today (Saturday) instead.

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 08:42

I agree Puppy Monkey! Unless the 4th Sunday in Lent has huge significance for people (and it doesn't for most posters)today can be used to see grannies, or have your day today and do grannies tomorrow.

Ledodgy · 21/03/2009 08:43

I agree Piscesmoon.I would like to look into the future to see what kind of mil those complaining make. Will they tell their sons and daughters to go and spend it with their own families?

Kimi · 21/03/2009 08:44

I think mothers day is tricky as we are mums and we have mums.
I know my gran would make my mother feel duty bound to be with her on mothers day, and I always felt I should be with my mum.
However I do thing that when the children are small that is when it should be "your" day.

Can you not invite you mother to lunch at the pub also?
We quit often took both my and DHs mum to lunch together

shootfromthehip · 21/03/2009 08:49

I still don't really see Mother's Day as 'mine' yet as my Mum deserves some nice treatment and we usually go to hers. Last year though she was ill and I took all the food and loads of stuff for her and she never even mentioned the fact that it was my day too which I was a bit about. This year she offered to do a meal at hers as she knew it was my Mother's Day too and then proceeded to tell me what courses to bring with me [again!]. Oh well, I'll get the morning to be 'spoiled' (eg- woken up at 6am and them given a squished bunch of flowers and a glittery card and then proceed to do everything that I normally do!!).

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 08:52

I bet that those of us who are relaxed about the whole thing have mothers who are relaxed about the whole thing. Those of you who are demanding your day probably have mothers who are demanding their day.As I said earlier 'what goes around comes around'!

HSMM · 21/03/2009 08:53

Hope for a cuppa in the morning.

DH's mother died a couple of years ago, so Mother's Day is still a bit of a sensitive subject.

DD has 2 separate dance practices - one in the morning and one in the afternoon. (May get a pub lunch in between).

My Mum fully supports her dancing, so she will understand, but my sister will give me the big guilt trip, because she will probably have my Mum over for lunch (my brother lives hundreds of miles away).

Ledodgy · 21/03/2009 08:55

Good point, well made piscesmoon. /

purepurple · 21/03/2009 08:57

sod the lot of them

life is too short to spend it making other people happy

spend the day how you want to

purepurple · 21/03/2009 08:57

sod the lot of them

life is too short to spend it making other people happy

spend the day how you want to

shabster · 21/03/2009 09:17

Im a mum of 4DS's, a first time Gran and..... a MOTHER IN LAW I see my Granbaby every day because I look after him while his Mummy goes to work.

I hope they visit tomorrow - if they dont then that is fine as well. My DS is going to visit his Grandma (my Mum) because, in his words, 'shes my second Mum, she's also 75 years old and I want to make the most of our special relationship.'

My eldest DS is 27 and my youngest 11 but my personal opinion is that I will be their Mum till the day I pop my clogs - and even then, if possible, will 'look out for them' wherever I am.

JazzHands · 21/03/2009 09:27

I think it's a bit harsh to say that those of us who want to thank our mothers when we are adults have immature relationships with our mothers, and that our mothers must be needy women with no life outside their now grown up children.

My mum gave birth to me, raised me, looked after me and loved me. She fed me and made sure I was happy as much as she could. When I was sad she comforted me.

Now I am older I know that she still worries about me. She worries when I am pregnant that things are going OK and that the birth will be trouble free. She hopes that my relationship with DH is good and that my work is gong well. She hopes that I am happy. She is still my mum. To say mums stop worrying about their children the moment they leave home and that that is desirable is nonsense. If DH and I split up my mum would be there for me and rightly so. She wouldn't tell me it was no concern of hers and I should deal with it by myself.

To say that your mother is no longer your mother and therefore not to be thanked simply because you are an adult baffles me. The fact that I go and say hello and give her some chocs or whatever is much appreciated as it is not something I have been told to do by daddy/teachers or someone, it is something that as an adult I want to do for my mum.

And let's face it she won't be around forever.

Lemontart · 21/03/2009 09:37

"life is too short to spend it making other people happy"

I think I appreciate my mum more now I am a parent myself than previously. We are fortunate that we live near enough to my parents that we can pop over and see them for an hour in late afternoon (will take a cake etc) and then the rest of the day is ours to enjoy in our immediate family unit. Perhaps as my mum would never ask (let alone demand) our presence on any day of the year, I feel more than happy to go. Agree totally with the relaxed attitude makes you feel more relaxed about it all. I hope I am as relaxed and easy going with my children when they are adults too.

piscesmoon · 21/03/2009 09:40

I would have thought that one of the purposes of life was to make other people happy!

brettgirl2 · 21/03/2009 09:42

Saying thank you to your mother whatever your age/treating her etc is wonderful.

However, the OP's mother and MIL are both using it as a cynical tool to dictate get their own way through guilt. That's completely different.

Therefore to the OP YANBU.

brettgirl2 · 21/03/2009 09:43

But not if it makes you unhappy piscesmoon.

JazzHands · 21/03/2009 09:46

lemontart I agree and think you may be right.

We are all pretty relaxed about this stuff here. My mum doesn't expect anything and so is pleased when people make the effort. We will probably go up for an hour or so and over to the in-laws for an hour or so as well. DH's mum is very ill as well which makes it all a bit more poignant.

Still pissed off at the harsh judgement of people who want to do things for their mums when they are grown up.

Triggles · 21/03/2009 09:46

I have to agree with some of the pp's that this seems to show a disturbing trend of massive ego issues, as well as MIL issues. Honestly, on a personal level, I'm not fussed about Mothers Day myself, as I know that my DH, children (24,22,2) and grandchildren appreciate me and the things I do for them. I don't need a special day set aside so I can lay about the house being waited on or given "appropriate gifts" as some expect. I do, however, realise that it may be a bigger deal to the older generation (although tbh MIL hasn't ever demanded, asked or even hinted that it's an issue to her one way or the other either), and I'm happy to spend the day with her. It's sad to see so many in a huff over "sharing their day".

brettgirl2 · 21/03/2009 09:51

I think it runs a bit deeper though than just sharing the day. It is about people dictating to others about what they want. If it was really one day out of a year that would be fine, but there's always a reason - DS's birthday, Dad's not been well this week, Easter, Christmas, Fathers day etc etc. IMO if you aren't firm then before you know it you have not time to actually do what you want to do.