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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit fed up that the granny's have claimed mother's day?

153 replies

grumblinalong · 20/03/2009 17:48

I've had a rubbish day, I'm feeling pretty fed up after a hellish week and I suppose I am being unreasonable and feeling sorry for myself because DP told me to buy my own mother's day present. I'm going to have a moan anyway.

I feel like mother's day has been taken over by DP's mum and my mum's wants and wishes and I feel a bit pushed aside. We have to go for a whole family Sunday lunch in a stuffy pub for MIL, when I told my mum this she was put out and proceeded to invite us for sandwiches and cakes late afternoon 'so I can see the boys on mother's day.'

DP in all fairness said I didn't have to go for the family lunch but he would have to take the DS's - I do actually fancy seeing my offspring that day though! So now my mother's day is going to be spent driving the kids miles, stressing about keeping them relatively calm in the pub, driving miles again to my mum's and feeling obliged to eat when I'm probably not going to feel like it.

I think that I'll just console myself that it's an over commercial venture anyway and I don't need making a fuss of on a designated day arranged by the card company's to show that my sons love me.

OP posts:
2shoes · 20/03/2009 22:05

yabu are grannys not mothers.
do they not want to see their dc's

Eddas · 20/03/2009 22:06

i'm not sure why all the posters saying that the mil/mothers should move over and make way now that they have grandchilden think that those women have stopped being mothers themselves surely granparents day(or whatever it's called, i've no idea as it's ridiculous) is for grandchildren to say thanks to their grandparents not for you/dh to say thanks to your own mother 2 totally different days IMO

MarlaSinger · 20/03/2009 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2shoes · 20/03/2009 22:16

well I haven't got a mum now, but i am going to see MIL tommorow, and I will make a fuss of her.
as she is getting on and deserves it.

OrmIrian · 20/03/2009 22:24

I don't stop being my mum's DD just because I have children. I love and value her. DH feels the same about his mother (more or less ). What a strange idea to have a heirarchy of motherhood. How ungenerous

2shoes · 20/03/2009 22:25

my dad always called me and my db the children

LilyBolero · 20/03/2009 22:27

YABU. A mother is a mother forever. And when kids are little it's about giving them a bunch of daffodils from church and a kiss and a hug. When the kids get older, (ie grown up) they can take their mums out for a meal, if they want to treat them.

I'm working on Mothering Sunday. So I'll have to be out the house at 8:00, get home at 1:00, cook the lunch, wash up, working again from 5:00 to 8:00. Will get home and make some tea for me and dh. But I happen to know that dd has some paper flowers in a pot she's decorated, ds1 has a homemade card in his bookbag, and ds2 has a handprint card from playgroup. And I'm very happy to have 3 gorgeous children, and I wish my mum or MIL lived closer so we could all have a family day together.

LilyBolero · 20/03/2009 22:27

(should be 'them giving a bunch of daffodils')

ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 22:41

I think part of the issue is all the logistics and/or egos involved

ie those who say "share the day" all well and good but it isn't necessarily possible to combine with your own Mums ("The grannies") as there are other (grown up) siblings involved.

Then it goes to doing the Grannies on alternate years which isn't always going to co-ordinate. Plus, some Grannies will want to see their grown up DCs every year - who or what gives then?

This is why although Grannies should and could be included where possible, the "lion's share" of the day and attention that goes with it really belongs to the current active Mother, for want of a better description.

Yes Grannies are Mothers too blah blah - but unfortunately some Grannies act like a Queen Bee, expecting everyone to dance to their tune, and the exhausted Mother of youngsters never gets their moment in the sun. Being a parent of babies/small children/teens is blardy hard work more so than being a parent of grown up children, if (as one wise poster said) the mothering has been done properly.

LilyBolero · 20/03/2009 22:44

you see, I really don't see it as a 'moment in the sun'. There's something really fake about being spoiled on Mothers' Day 'because you expect to be' or demand to be.

And let's face it, with small kids, it's going to be our dh/dp who does the 'sorting out of cards/gifts/whatever else it is we expect our children to come up with.' And I'd prefer he sent his own mum something, because she is nearly 80, won't be around forever and is much loved.

piscesmoon · 20/03/2009 22:45

The answer is to live further away! I can't see mine-although I would like to.

WinkyWinkola · 20/03/2009 22:50

Thank god my mum doesn't put any of this silly pressure on me on Mother's Day.

She's happy with a card and or flowers and a 'phone call.

She'd never demand our time or to be the sole centre of attention on any day. She's happy with visits whenever it's mutually convenient.

A model I think I'll follow when my DCs are grown up.

ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 22:51

I note you say "sent" his own mum something, LilyBolero.

I would infer then that you aren't expected/expecting to see her on Mother's Day?

The issue with some posters isn't the sending of card, present whatever to own mum/MIL on Mother's Day. Its having to spend the day travelling to and from and seeing one or both as though it's the mum's/MIL's personal day or birthday, without much time left for enjoying the moment with their own LO's.

LilyBolero · 20/03/2009 23:11

I would love to be able to see either my own mother or my MIL on Mothering Sunday. But it is not possible - I always have to work, they can't travel. We don't see half enough of them and it is a bitter regret that we don't live near enough, but it is unavoidable.

LilyBolero · 20/03/2009 23:12

I would love to be able to see either my own mother or my MIL on Mothering Sunday. But it is not possible - I always have to work, they can't travel. We don't see half enough of them and it is a bitter regret that we don't live near enough, but it is unavoidable.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 20/03/2009 23:13

Am I right in thinking that there is a link between those who think that there is a herarchy of mothers and that the new ones are more important somehow and those who have ishoos with their MILs ?

bundle · 20/03/2009 23:17

you are indeed correct in thinking that boysarelikedogs

ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 23:20

I imagine that quite a few would miss their Mums/MIL if they lived far away and in that case, wouldn't at all mind the chance of sharing a Mother's Day every so often.

But you hit the nail on the head when you said "There's something really fake about being spoiled on Mothers' Day 'because you expect to be' or demand to be."

This is EXACTLY what the problem is with some mums/MILs (the Grannies). It doesn't sound like your Mum/MIL are the type to put pressure on you and anyway, the distance makes it impossible.

Imagine if they DID expect or demand to be spoiled on Mother's Day, because that's what some posters' mums/MILs are doing. What's more, they've already had a lifetime of being spoiled on MD whereas the newer Mum hasn't because everyone is still running around placating the original Mummy!!!

ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 23:21

No, BALD.

The ishoo is with MILs thinking there is a hierarchy of Mothers and the old ones are more important.

LilyBolero · 20/03/2009 23:22

But then they've had a lifetime of mothering their children.

JazzHands · 20/03/2009 23:22

I'm still interested to know what the cut-off is for people stopping thanking their own mothers.

Is it when people move out? Get married? Or is the cut-off strictly when the GC arrive?

At what point does a mum stop being a mum from the POV of mothers day?

2rebecca · 20/03/2009 23:25

No, I have no issues with my MIL. I just think mothers day is mainly about dependant kids making mum a cup of tea and giving her a card and a hug. I'm an atheist so for me mothers day isn't about church.
I loved the way my kids used to fuss about me on mothers day when they were small. It only lasted for half an hour or so, but it was still nice. When we were young we used to fuss over my mum. We never went granny visiting on mothers day, but then the grannies lived some distance away. My parents sent their mums cards and probably presents and spoke to them, but for our nuclear family mothers day was mainly about my mum and showing how we appreciated her looking after us.
Sadly my mum is now dead, but once I had my own kids she never expected me to travel (for several hours)to see her on mothers day and accepted that I was now the one doing the active mothering. Although she was still my mother I then saw her as an adult source of advice and support rather than someone who still had to "mother" me. I thought most people's perceptions of mothering and the role of mothers changed when they became adults, but maybe it doesn't. My mother didn't worry and fuss about me once I was an adult because she knew I could take care of myself, and thankfully she had interests and concerns of her own and wasn't trying to live through me.

LilyBolero · 20/03/2009 23:29

But do you think you will be less of a 'mother' when your children are grown up? Because I certainly don't. I think it is a different type of mothering. But still under the umbrella of being a 'mother.'

2rebecca · 20/03/2009 23:32

I will still be a mother, but I do expect my relationship with my kids to change and become more adult-adult and less parent-child in transactional analysis speak. I would like them to remember me on mothers' day, but if they have kids would expect them to spend the day with their family unit making the mother of the small children feel special.

ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 23:39

True, LilyBolero.

I think if there is a mutual respeck then there is no problem.

There may be a problem if the original Mummy won't "move up a bit" to recognise that they are now not the only Mothers in the picture, and I do think there are some mums/MILs who are unwilling to concede that.

IMO, our Mums/MIL are staying younger longer and it blurs the natural progression of the "turnover" of the generations and ends up with two leading ladies, as it were. My parents were married at 23, and by 24 were hosting Christmas and Mothers Day etc and generally running the show. My Grandma was only 63 when I was born but she always seemed/looked/acted ancient, very much the OAP, very happy to hand over the responsibilities of Christmas hosting etc etc. Very different from my vivacious 65yo Mum now.

Leading to this "power struggle" we see going on here.