To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Stars - you say that your sister is supportive - is there any way you can take a few things now and then to hers and leave them there? Nothing that will be missed, but things that would make you and your children's life easier if/when you do move - perhaps a few of the dcs books and a few clothes etc. You might also want to start getting together really important stuff in a certain place - so that if you need to you could leave at 5mins notice with the essentials.

I am sure she would be willing to do that.
I think she is a bit shocked by it all but not surprised.
She has seen the change in me over the past few years and says I am a different person to the fun loving girl I used to be.
More withdrawn and not wanting to go out etc.

I was going to make some lists of things I need to get orgainised but am worried he will find it.

Make it on here - and people that have been through this sort of thing can suggest other things then too.

At least you sound as though you have some good RL support too - even if its not in terms of accommodation, at least you have real people to talk to, and who might be able to help with keeping some bits for you initially.

Thats a great idea about keeping my list on here.

I don't really know where to start.

Obviously have had some great advice on here eg womans aid, CAB etc it's just putting it altogether in order of importance etc.

Stars - can you get a memory stick (they're dirt cheap now) and get some digital photos onto it, if you can't take the PC? Might be easier than lugging hardcopy photo albums out? Can you tell that photos are one of the few things I couldn't leave behind?!

Another thought - tell your H you're doing some spring cleaning maybe? And sorting through old toys? That way you could take a couple of sacks to charity (and divert one to your sister)

Ditto clothes!

I think a list on here would be helpful for you - and you could update us with how things are going.

You need to find things like passport - and dcs if they have one. I'm sure that someone else who has been through something like this will be able to suggest some other things that would be good to get to your sisters.

Birth certficates, marriage certificate, copy of bank statements, mortgage and loan statements, deeds etc. Insurance for car and car paperwork (if you have one). Any medical insurance paperwork, plus childrens' immunisation records. Maybe when 'spring cleaning' you can 'get up to date with the filing' and put everything which might be useful into one easy to grab expanding file?

He has his own desktop PC and I have a laptop i use.
But would guess he would say he payed for the laptop and would'nt let me take it.
Although it was our money that payed for it.

A lot of our photos are on back up discs as well.

Had'nt thought of toys,clothes.
Surely he would let me take those.

The children do have passports but we only use them to go to MIL's .

You need the passports (and birth certificates) if you have any worries that he might decide to take the children back from you - especially if his mother is abroad.

Would you leave when he was there? Or take stuff and go when he's out?

I would get their passports somewhere where you can get them easily and quickly. And, from what you've said, of course he won't let you come back to collect anything - it will make it more difficult for you and he certainly won't try to make it easy for you to leave him. He won't have anyone that he is in control of, who does the washing and the housework, the shopping and the cooking. What's in it for him if you leave?

You are married - if he already has a desk top, make sure you take the lap-top. He doesn't need two - and they were both bought with joint, family money.

We have seperate bank accounts and the house is under my FIL's name.
I know where the birth and marriage certs are so could put them by somewhere.

But clothes are easier to replace than much loved toys...

Copies of bank statements, especially any in his name. Also any copies of his pay slips. These are very important for proving how much he earns for financial settlements and the CSA.

Passports

A list of phone numbers and email addresses. All those things that usually reside on your computer and will be devastating to lose if you have to leave it behind. If you don't already, get yourself a webmail account (maybe Gmail). He won't be able to access it, so won't be able to read any of your emails. just make sure you log out each time and delete the internet history. Do not allow your computer to remember the password.

Start stashing small amounts of money away in places he can't find. If possible, try and open a savings account and put any spare money in there. This will be useful for you during the early weeks when he will throw a financial tantrum and, probably, remove all the money from the joint account. If you have internet banking, make sure you have a copy of the passwords and access codes. When you leave, go online as soon as possible and decant money from joint accounts into your personal savings account. Don't be embarassed by this. It is money you need to support his children.

I sent H an e mail earlier to tell him how I got on at the doctors.

He just replied with

"Thanks for letting me know."
Have been thinking about you this morning,love you"

It has just left me feeling cold.
I am not used to him being nice to me.
Whether he is feeling gulity as I told him in the email the doctor mentioned depression.

Stars - that's not 'nice' - it might say 'love you' but do you really believe it? If I had sent dh an email like that he would have phoned me immediately - or at least sent a longer email with a few more questions etc, and perhaps a suggestion that we did something a bit different in the evening.

Stars.. Glad you are thinking so positively! When do you aim to leave? I'd think carefully here. You need to get your head round it as well as thinking about practical things. Have you spoken to womens aid yet? Please bear in mind we have Easter approaching with bank holidays which could delay you.

Funnily enough he has just rung me.

He sounded very reserved.
He asked if I had mentioned I had'nt had a smear test for ages as he said with all the publicity at the moment I ought out get that checked out re losing so much weight.

I don't have plans of when to leave .
Just feel numb with it all to be honest.
I need some time to think how and when .

I'm wondering if he's subconsciously picking up on your plans to get away, and is trying to win you back?

It doesn't seem at all uncommon that men will do this, but even if you do want to give things another go then he has to take steps for a permanent change in himself - individual counselling or similar. Do you think that you could give him another chance? If not, then just accept this as a pleasant reprieve and carry on with your plans.

Whatever you do, stay strong and remember that this isn't just you now, it's also the way you want your children brought up, and the lessons you want them to learn about how adult relationships work...

I'm glad he is being a bit more positive at the moment - but you know that it will all start again as it has done all the other times. Even if he is 'being nice' for a bit, please don't stop getting prepared - then whe/if it does start again, you can go, but you won't have to run round in a panic not knowing what to do - you will already have your plan sorted out.

He may well be genuinely concerned about your welfare.

He may well be feeling guilty.

As Perardua says, see how long it lasts.

The cynic in me thinks he wants to know just how much you have said to the Doctor, and this is behind his interest.

He must know that once you have told your Doctor about his behaviour, drinking, pushing and shoving, it'll be in your notes.

I have been here many times before.

He may well make an effort to come straight home from work tonight,something he has'nt done in a long time.
Will see.

It does'nt alter the fact that things have been done and said in the past that will stay with me and I can't forget them.

I don't want to move forward and waste more years hoping for the best and that he will change.
More importantly my children don't deserve it.

I did mention to the doctor that my marriage was going through a bad time and my H drinks,but that is all.
I would imagine she will probe more at our next appointment.

So do I tell H that I mentioned this or not?