To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Ring womens aid...... They can talk you through all those issues. Debt, whose name? The house etc, fee half hour with a solicitor. Furniture......not important, can be replaced/storage/friendsand family garage. Schools,they will adjust. Sn......speak to lea. All not big problems, but for you I understand they are a worry.

What are the signs of domestic violence?

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.

I know he spends so much money in the pub,buying beer to bring home,taxis etc.

The debt is in joint names and individual names also.

Would womans aid ring me back as don't the number showing on my phone bill?

Well, I suppose I mean it's not a good idea to charge into a "right, this is it" row, where things might escalate into a situation where you had to flee. So, get as much information as you can beforehand - from CAB, friends/family wherever about your rights and any help that would be available to you in an emergency. And then try to keep calm and rational when discussing a way forward with your H - not easy, I know, when he seems to be such an aggressive, bombastic arguer.

The number was posted here few pages back. Delete computer history too.

You will get all the help you need from womens aid .... Honestly. Could you not call from a friend or relatives house?

From my own experience (before children thank goodness) this is the one thing that I think got me through it when I finally got out.

People split up every day. Its just that today its you. It always seems much more complicated for you than it was for the other people that split up.
Yes it might all seem insurmountable today but take the first step and you will not look back. You might feel sometimes that it would be easier all round if you went back home, but if the time is right for you to leave then there will be a big voice in your head telling you to keep on. (in my case it was the voice in my head with you it can be on here).
Then once you've gone and done it, things like furniture honestly don't matter anymore. To be honest if you and your husband don't actually own the house then that might simplify a lot of things - I was not considered for council accomodation because I had an interest in a property.
The refuges are not just for women who've been physically beaten to a pulp. They are for women who can't go on in their current relationship but don't have anywhere to go to straight away.
Don't have a row, just speak to womens aid to see what options you have, then decide on a day and time and go.

Will call womans aid from my mobile and then I can delete the number.

At least then I will know my options.

I think the voice in my head is saying now is the time and my body re losing lots of weight ,constant headaches and feeling sick all the time is telling me enough is enough.

Am scared though ,it's such a big step.

Meant to say that I think H will find this all utterly surprising as he is always saying I have issues and problems and will not comprehend I am leaving because of him.
He does not think he does anything wrong which is part of the problem.

Which part of the country are you in starsnstripes? There's lots of help out there! Their really is.

I forgot to say before, of COURSE they will ring you back, they will be used to women ringing who don't want the number to show.

I also had ill health and headaches which I didn't realise at the time were related.

Yes its a big step but what are you more scared of - a few weeks or months of upheaval and the loss of some furniture, or a future with your husband?

If your sister is sympathetic you could maybe start leaving some stuff at her house.

I know its hard because I didn't even have children and I kept saying to my self 'its complicated/what about the house/what about the furniture/cats/car'. In the end I put it off so long and things got so bad that I ended up leaving in practically the clothes I stood up in, and the other things just didn't matter.

Its 18 years for me and took me a long time to properly be in a relationship but here I am with my fab dp and two little boys.

Like others my only regret is that I didn't go sooner, and wasted time on a bully.

Oh yes he will be very surprised.

Then he will not accept that YOU have rejected him so publicly and will demand that you come back, or grovel and cry and promise to change, or threaten suicide, or stalk you down and make your life difficult for years.

I had all of those off my tosser ex, you just have to keep your eyes on your new promising horizon and not be taken in.

Because any of that is not 'please come back I love and respect you' its 'get back here I control you and don't you forget it'.

I am in East Anglia.

My sister would help all she could .
She herself was in an abusive relationship years ago and is now happily married again.
She told me on the phone today she is now with her soulmate.
It was lovely to hear as she put up with some crap over the years and I know I am biased but she is a lovely sister and deserves all the happiness she has now.

I now what you are saying about furniture etc,material stuff,does'nt matter in the big scheme of things.

The house we live in is a great house.
4 bedrooms,3 bathrooms,etc etc
bricks and mortar though,nothing more.

Am scared of H's response more than anything else.

No way we could have afforded it and am constantly reminded by H that his father bought it for us and how ungratful I am and don't look after it properly.

What would your fil say if he knew all of this was going on? Would he be supportive?

I hope im not just repeating what has been said earlier in the thread. I have read page one and the last two pages and just want to echo what everyone else is saying to you Stars. My ex H was similar to yours in that me and my DC's used to spend every weekend walking on eggshells waiting for him to 'start' He was only home at weekends thank god but they were hell as was every high day and holiday thanks to him.

He started off like your DH too, just snidey comments turning into actual full on nasty evil treatment. And that was just for starters. I would hazard a guess that if you answered back or started to 'stick up for yourself' in any way it would almost certainly turn physical - my Ex H did when he found he couldnt control me anymore.

Stars if you are scared take comfort that there are countless women who have been through what you are going through right now - it took me years to get out and debt or no debt you should be making your plans now. If you dont have the courage yet can i recommend a book i read which will help you to identify your DH's behaviour almost certainly. Its called ' The Charm Syndrome' and its by Sandra Horley and endorsed by womens aid - i found it to be a valuable tool in helping me to see that i would not be able to change my ex's behaviour towards me.

You and your DC's deserve more, my girls will never ever forget what my ex did to us and although it was 6 years ago now they do carry the scars of living in a household where domestic violence was pretty much part of their lives every single weekend. They rememeber when the police came, they remember when he hit me so hard i lost my hearing for a month and they remember when we walked away to the shittiest tinest little flat that some kind friend had lent us for a few months. Leaving behind their private school, 5 bedroom house and seemingly easy middle class lifestyle was a breeze for us all - compared to the life that we had been subjected to. My youngest DC is currently undergoing councilling for her issues left over from those days and she has so many problems because of them it will take a long time for us to all come out the other side.

Luckily we have a wonderful man in our lives now and my girls realise that this is not how men treat their partners/wives - they have a new baby brother who is six weeks old and i never ever thought after what was done to me that i would ever trust another man or be happy again. I am telling you this so that you know that it isnt the end if you walk away, you and your DC's deserve more than this - its only when you walk away that you will realise just how badly he is treating you. I wish i could say that your relationship could sustain but it sounds to me like he is treating you like this exactly because he is a bully and he is getting away with it. No amount of depression, cheating or any other excuse that is made for his behaviour can be used to treat another human being the way he is treating you.

My ex H used to say i was a terrible housewife, fat and ugly (im fat but not ugly!) he would tell the girls terrible untruths about me and accuse me of cheating when i hardly went out. You know in your heart of hearts that the way he is treating you is wrong and i think you probably know that it is time to get out before it gets worse.

Speak to womens aid, nothing has to be done right now - find out what your options are and if you can possibly get hold of it get that book - it was a total eye opener for me. I didnt realise that abusers come in all shapes and forms and that my DH who seemed so utterly charming and a pillar of the community was one too - he blamed me for his behaviour just like your DH does to you and its part of the control and abuse.

Sorry if this post is long and rambling but i just wanted you to know that you are not alone and this happens sadly to alot of women - you have children though and they deserve a happy mummy, i hope that you are able to sort this out and find some strength from somewhere. Good luck Stars ...

Once when H got really drunk and was threatning to take thr children from me I rang the in laws and sobbed down the phone to MIL.
H took the phone off me and was chatting to his mother who obviously knew he was drunk as I could hear her saying
"oh he is drunk again,no point talking to you when you are like this"

She then put the phone down.

The next day I rang to apoligise and FIL answered.
As soon as he heard it was me he put the phone down.
Nothing was ever mentioned again.

rosieposey-thank you,your post gives me hope.
Am pleased that you are happy now.
Who knows that could be me in a few months/years time.

Stars am glad about that - just ask anyone else on this thread who has gotten away - life is 10 times better now and this WILL be you if you can find the courage to walk away lick your wounds and start again with your DC's - life is good, make it good for yourself again ok, you can do this

have you tried to speak CALMLY to him about how unhappy you are with how he speaks to you and treats you?

I used to try and speak to my ex calmly about how unhappy I was. it doesn't work because they just fob it off with it all being your fault and that if you will change he will change. They really don't accept that they are doing anything wrong. Its aaaaaallllll the womans fault and nothing you SAY will make a jot of difference.

They pin all the blame for everything - even your own unhappiness - on you.

The only thing that makes them sit up and take notice is coming home to find you are gone.

I was also the fat ugly stupid one - in his eyes. He also said I was so crap in bed that if I ever left him there'd be no point me meeting anyone else cos any other man would laugh me out of the bedroom.

fj that is awful.
Op is your situation similar in this respect?

Isnt it amazing Flibbertyjibbet how these types of men all employ virtually the same techniques to control and abuse? With regards to your last paragraph i was told that i too was rubbish and that 'you dont look at the fireplace when poking the fire' Added to this he would wave copies of womens magazines in my face and say 'here, this is what a real woman looks like' which isnt much good to me as im a plus size and have never been below a 16-also that hurt like hell when i loved him. Its funny how at the time you know they are wrong but you almost (almost) believe it as they grind you down so much. Reading this thread really brings back some unpleasant memories and tallys with the things my ex used to do. The only way is out sadly as like you i tried so hard to be reasonable and in the end you realise that you cant reason with someone who thinks that its acceptable to treat another person that way.

Mumsnet is the only place where anyone knows all this about me. No one else knows these days, certainly not dp.
I used to lurk on these threads but now I come out and tell my story because if I had had something like this to talk on 20 years ago I'd have left that idiot a lot earlier.

Oh yes and I'd forgotten the 'real woman' jibes

If you ever met me now you just would never beleive that I was once in that situation but it took me a long time to get my confidence and self esteem back - and to stop walking on eggshells with friends and at work.

I think it might be safer if you didn't let him know that you were planning on leaving. He could get very nasty if he senses you are going to do a runner. Can you stay acting as you have done all these years but make a plan to get away, so he doesn't suspect anything? Don't let him sense you are going to leave ; he could put obstacles in the way; he could move funds so you can't get at any of your money.

Stars - where is your other child? YOu keep talking about your one DS but I'm concerned as you also refer to having more than one child but never reference the other one? This situation sounds awful and it's clear that the 7yo is aware of things, what about the other one? Is he/she also being affected? I think you have to think about all of you right now and your husband's behaviour is very worrying. I often think that the individual issues are not really that bad, but when your partner refuses to talk to you, that's definitely a problem.

My ex used to tell me he hoped I got cancer or AIDS.

I tried hundreds of times to talk to him calmly, I gave him so many chances, so I knew that when I decided it was over, I would always know that I had tried as hard as I could.

Still, when the split came, he was shocked He still says to his mates that he doesn't know what he did wrong.

All those times I cried and pleaded with him to please respect me and not make me cry, and not shout and intimidate... .and he STILL thinks that I was unreasonable to finish it.

By the time I came to finish the relationship, I actually hated him. I used to hear sirens on the motorway nearby, and hope that it was him, and that I wouldn't have to confront the issue.

Looking back, I was a completely different person, and the act is, I would never put up with that kind of relationship again.

I have tried talking to him countless times and things used to get better for a time but he does'nt even say sorry now.
Has'nt done for a long time.

Yes,he does pin his unhappiness onto me.
He says he drinks because of me.

I am explorng different options and am not hinting that I am doing so.
As you saythings could get nasty if he knew.
So am being very careful with regards to the computer and telephone calls.

My DD is 5 and at the moment seems unaffected.
She does call daddy grumpy quite a lot but is a diffreent child with regards to sensitivity.
She is very happy go lucky where as DS due to the nature of his SN is much more respetive.

I too ,when he has come home really drunk have wished he would fall down the stairs or something.
Just to shock him into what he is like and others.

Have just got back from the doctors and she wants to see me for a double appointment and I have to take some blood tests.
This is to rule out anything physical.
She mentioned depression and she said we will explore that more in the next appointment.