To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Well last night after he kept on and on at me criticising everything I had just had enough and said something I should'nt have.
I told him he knows were the door is.

Of course he was furious and said

"It is my door,you know where the door is"

I told him if I went I would'nt be going alone,meaning I would take the children .

His reply was

"we will see about that"

He then just sttod there giving me this deathly stare of hate and anger.

So know I am left thinking I wish I had not said that but at least I know what he thinks if I wanted to leave withy regards to the children.

Am feeling scared now,this is not going to be easy.

What an arsehole starsnstripes.

If I was you, I would start planning my 'escape'. No, it will not be easy. But it's better than living in this 'atmosphere'.

I have read the whole thread.

In all honesty I think you need to pack a bag for you and the children and head over to your local womens refuge.

PLEASE. For the sake of the children.

Hi,

sorry aboutyour current circ's. Is it possible that any of the following might be going on:-

1. a clinical stress/anxiety disorder and/or depression. He needs to see GP for advice and referral.

2. an attempt to make you hate him then leave him because he is too cowardly to say he wants to call it a day.

3. another woman

4. gambling/drinking/debt problems

5. Just an arse

If you want to make it work you need to understand the cause only then will you be able to work towards a solution. Whatever you do keep your child out of the firing line.

I just wanted to say how hurt and upset I am by the way that some posters have characterised my earlier post as excusing or justifying domestic violence. My post did not do that and I made it clear in the text how I saw that as unacceptable behaviour.

I am married and I hope you can see why I would feel hurt and upset. I thought a long time about that post and read very carefully everyone elses thoughts.

Lizzy A123 has identified the same issue as me, namely that clinical stress/anxiety disorder and/or depression is one possible explanation and that is all I was attempting to do. I agree with the other 4 reasons that she has identified as well. They are not excuses - they are possible explanations.

I have read the OPs later posts and I am extremely concerned for her. What she is saying now goes far beyond her orignal opening posts. Whatever the underlying reasons, this has now reached a crisis and it is clear she needs help from outside agencies.

Stars - what are you going to do? Have you managed to speak to anyone at Women's Aid or similar? From what you've said, this relationship can only get worse, and you need to do something before it does. It is a big step, but it sounds as though you and the dcs will be better off away from this horrible situation.

Can you not go to your sister? Would she help you out?

I just wanted to post and lend my support to the OP.

Reading this thread was like re-living my childhood. The behaviour of your (D)H sounds exactly like the behaviour of my father. Honestly, the similarities are uncanny.

I really hope that both MN and RL friends/family can provide you with the support that you need.

I have wondered if he is trying to make me look unstable because he wants out.
He does have mood swings and maybe is suffering from depression but would never admit it.
AS for another woman I don't think so but he does turn his phone off all the time.
I am
hoping the CAB will give me a few pointer as to what to do next,as am so confused at the moment.

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow as have lost about 2 stone these last few weeks am now 7 stone 8 and that is worrying me as well.
H wants to to tell that about my "other problems"
I have had anxiety issues in the past.
But is not surprising dealing with a lot of bereavements in the past,a husband who drinks and a DS with SN.

I don't want to look to the doctor though as if I am not coping.
Maybe that is what H wants.
He said last night I have more problems than my DS.

Going to my sisters is'nt an option but she is there for support.
I had a good chat with her today and she will help where she can.

My nephews wife offred her spare room for a weekend to get away to think but H would go mad if I took the children so not an option.

He has come home in his usual shouty mood and because after DS's appointment today he did'nt go back to school for the last 2 hours he has gone mad saying I am pushing him to the limit and he always comes home to problems.
By the way he was in the pub until now and very occasionally it is to do with work but mstly because he chooses to rather than come home and help with the children.
He has now opened a bottle of beer and is currently hiding in the kitchen.

Hi, Stars. I read your thread from the beginning this morning, and I have been at work all day worried about you.
I had a brother in a situation like yours at the hands of a vicious girlfriend, except her violence turned physical in the later stages. They attended a counsellor, who advised them the relationship could not work unless she changed. A few more sessions, and the counsellor advised db to get out of the relationship because she feared his gf would turn to dangerous weapons, as the violence appeared to get worse and worse. Luckily they didn't have children, but they co-owmed a house. He moved to DPs house, changed his phone number and one of us had to be with him all the time in case she'd strike. It was a long battle, but my father eventually bought out her half of the house and she moved back to her native country. DB has since met a lovely girl, got married and they are expecting their first baby next week!
I think you can see for yourself that your situation is only going to get worse. Please get yourself and your precious dcs to a Women's Refuge.
Things will be tough for a while but, like my brother, you will come out smiling!

Just read comments and it sounds like such a horrible situation to be in - it really hit a little nerve inside me. I can't give you any practical advice because I have never been in a relationship like yours. However, I know how hurtful people can be and how much words can damage self-esteem. I was told once that a good way of dealing with someone who says really hurtful things is to try to think of examples that prove the opposite. Not sure if it will work in your situation - maybe worth a go if he tells you that you are a bad mother again. I really hope you manage to get yourself out of that damaging relationship. He sounds really like a really intimidating and manipulative piece of work.

It's not going to improve. Make plans and go to a refuge is my advice. I was rehoused quickly. It's safe and they can help with every aspect of moving on. Your kids will adjust and you WILL get through it. It was the best thing I ever did. I'm me again!

My ex used to go mad if I so much as moved the furniture around.....I do it weekly now!!! Small thing, but not walking on eggshells...... And I don't have that nervous feeling on my stomach anymore.

Thanks for your reassuring messages.

I am trying to stay strong and go againest everything he says about me to prove him wrong.

He has just gone mad for want of a better word at the state of the dining room.
Shouting at me and the children about all the toys left in there.
Saying mum has all day to tidy up and they have when they come out of school.
He says it is his right to come home to a tidy house and it is my responsibility and I am shirking that responsibility.

I asked him why he goes to the pub every night and does not come home to help.
He says he goes out to work and his right to drink after work if he wants and he does'nt want to spend his weekends doing housework.

He never comes home straight from work it's always 1-2 hours or later.
So mealtimes it's usually just me and the children.

Am scared what he would do though if I left.
Not physically ,but would he would say about me.

I am constantly walking round on eggshells.
Even when he has gone to bed I creep up the stairs and listen at his door to see if he is asleep and then I can relax.
Which is probably why I stay up until late for that calm time.
I dare'nt put on any music and am constantly listening for him to come down stairs again.

He's not going to change,it's not a nice life for you. Please don't think it HAS to be this way.

Stars - if you were an employee you would have left. This is not even the treatment a boss can give a worker. You would also have had a good case to claim compensation.

It is not remotely right that you are creeping around trying not to make any sound - its your house too.

I know that times are tough at the moment. It doesn't excuse this sort of behaviour.

Don't worry about what he'll do if you leave. If he says things about you - you can simply prove them wrong. At least he won't be saying those things to you to the extent that you nearly believe him - and saying them in front of your children too.

I had become resigned to the fact that this was it for me.

All the talk of womans aid has made me think is my situation that bad?
I always thought womans aid was for woman that have had a lot rougher than me and been physically abused.
I keep thinking am I over reacting here.
I know I have had anxiety issues in the past and problem with going out etc but have worked on that and still am.
How much of that is down to him battering my self esteem all the time I don't know.
He says his drinking is'nt too blame and its me.

So I have not been ideal to live with ethier.

My DS is only 7 and already recognises that mummy is hurting.He comes and gives me a hug and says nothing but the look he gives me says it all.

i suffered from mental abuse from my ex h i was given a place in a refuge with the dc's after 4 months support we were rehoused and i went on to meet my dh it would give you and your dc healing time, hes using your kids as ammunition good luck get out before that man destroys you and your dc.s minds completelyxx

sns - if it were one of your friends telling you this, would you think their DH was being fair? Or kind? Or a nice person to be around?

Look upon women's aid as a resource, not that you need enough abuse 'points' before you can contact them.

Stars - no, what you are experiencing is bad. Yes, its not physical abuse, but having to creep around to prevent disturbing him, and to get shouted at because one room is not totally tidy is mental abuse. And yes, lots of people on this thread are thinking the same - you need to be away from him - to get your self respect back, to bring your dcs up in a loving and caring home, to get out now before it does turn physical.

OK,things are worrying me that I cannot see a way around.

We both have a lot of debt

the house is in trust for my DS and bought for by my FIL

my DS has a statement and a 1:1 at school so chaging schools would be difficult for him

I have no savings

would we move near to this house where H was,that would be un-nerving

uprooting the children

H reaction to all this

furniture etc

So much going on in my mind and can't see a way out.

Stars, don't forget that your GP, if s/he sees that you're anxious and losing lots of weight, will be CONCERNED for you and want to help. Don't be thinking that s/he'll view it as your H does, as weakness and a reason to take your kids away from you.
It's really making me cross, hearing about how your H blathers on and on about his "right" to do this and that. He seems to be wanting to force some sort of issue, e.g. by hinting darkly that you're about to get a wake-up call. Yeah right. Bring it on. But I think you should set up some backup support before you go there......

Clam-when you say back up support before I go there-what do you mean exactly?

You have debt - but he spends most evenings in the pub?