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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 05/04/2009 17:32

Stars...........I personally understand your reluctance. It's very normal as womens aid will tell you. I even went to a refuge, then returned to him!!!!! After a few days it was. Then I left for good again a bit further down the line. It takes many incidents before a woman leaves.

Ladies, stars WILL go eventually, but she's not going to yet. We all want her to, but at least she's preparing in her mind and knows of the help available.

PMSLBrokeMN · 05/04/2009 17:35

I said I wouldn't nag, but I just read what you wrote to Chickenmama - 'would'nt want to impose on you and feel I have to do this myself' - WHY do you have to do this yourself? For sure, don't let anyone make you do what you don't want to do, but you WANT to go - you're not going to get bonus points for doing it all yourself. If you feel it's all overwhelming, for goodness' sake take any help available! And that includes phoning your sister, Sunday or not! Stop feeling you and your needs are not important, give yourself permission to be selfish (not that you are, but you obviously think you are!)

Right, now don't make me nag you again !

GypsyMoth · 05/04/2009 17:41

That's just it though! Stars WILL gain bonus points by doing it herself, when she's ready. It's empowering doing it yourself. You need some help, but with the right knowledge and information ( which is womens aid etc) you can take charge of your own destiny and feel bloody good for doing that too!!

GettingaGrip · 05/04/2009 17:50

I am cooking tea now (as I am in Yorkshire!)

I'm doing Pork in a sauce with mashed spuds and carrots

My children will be home soon, and one friend.

I am really looking forward to them coming home.

We will have a lovely evening just chilling and chatting and laughing.

I am having some friends round this week for tea. I had a friend pop in yesterday for a coffee. I have defrosted the freezer this afternoon with the radio on.

These all sound so trivial....but to someone like me (and you i suspect) they are such amazing things to be able to do.

I danced with my two little dogs to the radio.

I stayed for twenty years out of duty....what a waste of my life. I now have serious problems with both of my children at school because of how their father and his family treated them both. Different issues with each child, but a direct result of me staying fifteen years too long.

I have to live with that now, and try my best to get a way out of it.

You owe your husband NOTHING.

xxxxx

dittany · 05/04/2009 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PMSLBrokeMN · 05/04/2009 18:01

Sorry, I shouldn't have brought up points at all - after all, it's not a game. But I hope you get the gist of what I meant, maybe ignore that bit and just concentrate on being 'selfish' ie sod him and put your needs first!

purplesponge · 05/04/2009 18:07

Stars I am on edge for you, I hope he's not in a state when he crawls back home, but then he's often more horrible when he's not too drunk isn't he?

I believe you when you say you want to leave, but I am wondering what you honestly think will have changed in two weeks time? Are you hoping that in that time leaving will suddenly become easier? Because I really don't think it will. What happens if in two weeks you still don't feel ready? Will you leave it another two weeks? Another month? Another year?

I am, by nature, a terrible procrastinator. It is one of my most annoying (to myself) faults. I will put off anything that I find hard or that I don't want to face up to. If I can deal with it tomorrow then I will. Now I'm not for a minute saying that this is what you are doing, but I can understand the 'comfort' that comes from saying 'I will deal with this, I know I need to , but I will do it tomorrow. It's like you're acknowledging the problem, which makes you feel better, but because actually dealing with it might not be very nice, you 'cushion' it by putting it off for a bit longer.

I don't know if you can make sense of any of that but that is what I tend to do when faced with something 'big'. I know I am not alone as my best friend does exactly the same!

I wish you a peaceful evening, you deserve it.

GypsyMoth · 05/04/2009 18:24

Dittany......how many 'incidents' did you endure before you finally left? Cos womens aid have statistics on this. It's normal to drag your heels a bit.

dittany · 05/04/2009 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 05/04/2009 18:46

Stars - I'm sorry I've come on here to find he's messing you about again - I hope he comes home and passes out so you get a peaceful evening.

Have you got a card or something for him tomorrow then?

You know, you could phone WA tomorrow morning, and be safe in a refuge with DS and DD and some basics, by tomorrow afternoon. I personally think that that's the kind of birthday present H deserves...

Whatever you decide, and whenever you decide to go, we're supporting you. Just please make it sooner rather than later, because the longer you stay, the more likely that he'll get physical (again).

His behaviour over the last few days sounds a lot like he's working up to something, and I'm frightened for you

Cazzaben · 05/04/2009 18:49

This is not the same thing I know but I remember being 7 years old (and even remember what I was wearing) and my mum had heard some lies about me hitting and throwing a girl up in the air (yes throwing) so she thought I deserved to be taught a lesson and did it to me... it all got a bit out of control and I ended up with a stilleto shoe in my head and 2 black eyes. I ran as far as my little legs could carry me and sat on a bench next to a phone box... Can't remember for how long but I know it was a long time. I was contemplating calling childline and then the social services. I picked the phone up sooo many times and everytime I did I lost my bottle... I felt sooo guilty to my mum as I loved her so much but knew deep down this wasn't right.

I never did make the call that day it took me years to even tell anyone about that.
I felt like it was my fault that she was always angry with me.

I guess I just wanted to say that the day WILL come when your ready to leave. You've made huge steps to even get as far as you have. Like I said before all it will take it one ounce of your (already there) courage.

It will happen and you will be looking back and remembering almost like it was someone else who lived that life...

You know you deserve better its just a case of your heart and your head agreeing...

Love and thoughts to you for a stress free evening
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cazzaben · 05/04/2009 18:52

I'm sorry if that isn't at all relevant to this thread... I guess I was just trying to say that you will be ready its just a case of when xxx

dittany · 05/04/2009 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 05/04/2009 19:02

Just a quick message to say sorry have'nt been back on have been sorting out the children.

H is not home yet.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 05/04/2009 19:07

Take care honey - make sure you've a charged phone by you just in case you need to call the police [worried]

hobbgoblin · 05/04/2009 19:20

I could be wrong but I think heaping the pressure on now could be counterproductive to you stars. You perhaps need a bit of peace and head space to make this decision for you. In the same way that you should not stay for him it would be awful to think you felt pulled in the other direction by the collective power of us here! You won't feel it is the right choice if you feel at all that you are pleasing anyone other than yourself and your DC.

Take some time, use this as your lifeline and make a decision this coming week maybe?

JackBauerKilledTheEasterBunny · 05/04/2009 19:34

Jut wanted to say I am thinking of you.
I agree with those who say to call WA, it doesn't mean they are going to turn up mobhanded but it is a step in teh right direction. You would then knwo what would happen when you left so that step would be easier to take.

(Also wondering whether someone should ask MN to extend 1000 post limit on thsi thread)

theDreadPirateRabbits · 05/04/2009 19:37

I've asked for an extension. If not poss, I'll start another thread and link to it from here.

ssd · 05/04/2009 19:47

are you ok stars?

clam · 05/04/2009 19:59

You say he's a good father? Yet he'd rather spend a Sunday afternoon in the pub than spending time with them because he's "bored?"
Hmmm....

Original poster
starsnstripes · 05/04/2009 20:47

He has just come in ,could hardly stand.
He went into the cloakroom downstairs and is currently sitting on the toilet with the lid down asleep.

Will be back on later.

OP posts:
bratnav · 05/04/2009 20:50

Um, well I suppose if her is asleep he isn't hassling you?

clam · 05/04/2009 20:53

So he's missed bedtime. Great dad!

(Sorry, stars. I'm full of admiration for you and your loyalty to the idea of maintaining a textbook family unit for your kids, but there really isn't going to be much for them to miss, is there?)

hobbgoblin · 05/04/2009 21:05

Now that I have my EYES WIDE OPEN, I feel guilt, yes guilt at continuing the relationship with my ex because I thought it was better than breaking the family unit.

They are lost years.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 05/04/2009 21:22

He has just been shouting out and talking to himself.
Not sure whether to leave him or tell him to get up to bed.
Although I think he would have trouble getting up the stairs.

Your right clam ,they won't miss the disappointment of being let down at bedtime YET AGAIN.

Hobbgoblin,yes lots of lost years already.

OP posts:
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