I have been reading this thread with interest, having escaped an abusive relationship four and a half years ago. I wish that I had had the support you are getting here at the time. I really needed someone to say to me at the time "what he is doing is not acceptable. It amounts to domestic violence". I know the other people commenting here have said this many times. Listen to them. They are saying it for a reason and really mean it.
It seems to me that you are worried about leaving because of the effect that it will have on your children. It may be that because he is not directly aggressive to them and will play and attempt to be a good father to them that you should put up with his treatment to you for their sakes. You are questioning whether you would be a bad mother to remove them from him.
I would like to say that it is not good parenting on your part to stay with your husband.
It is unfortunate that children who grow up witnessing domestic abuse are more likely to become abusers or victims of abuse themselves. My abusive ex witnessed his mother suffering domestic abuse and suffered some himself. He used this as an 'excuse' to be abusive to me. He would say that it was not his fault that he drank too much, hit me, verbally abused me and was controlling because he had 'issues' from his childhood that had had a lasting effect on his behaviour and personality.
It took me a long time to realise that it was his choice to drink too much and his choice not to go to counselling, because I had sympathy for the difficult childhood he had been through. Eventually, I realised that his use of this 'excuse' was just classic manipulative behaviour of the sort that he had learnt from his father.
You have already witnessed your DS saying things to you that are not acceptable: for instance his comment that if you had tidied the dining room earlier there would not have been a problem. He seems to be at a cross roads at the moment between his sensitive caring side, and adopting his father's attitude.
Part of the reason that I took so long to leave my ex was that I had learnt from my parent's relationship. My mother has been very unhappy for some time in a relationship that fortunately is not abusive or violent, but does not meet her emotional needs. I learnt from her that one has to stick at a relationship no matter how slight the chances of making it a happy one. Now I think that this lesson is perhaps one of the things not to adopt from my upbringing. The point is that children do learn from the relationships around them as they are growing up.
My point is that even if you cannot find the courage to leave for your own sake, do it for the sake of your children.
Next time that your husband is abusive to you, try picturing your DS saying the same words to his partner in 20 years time. Or picture your DD hearing them instead.
I realise that this post may have left you feeling rather wretched, and I am sorry for that. It does seem that otherwise you are a brilliant mum. You have kept yourself strong enough to give them a stable as possible life and have not descended into a hole of misery where you are incapable of looking after their needs.
You have every opportunity to signal to your children that this is not acceptable in a relationship by making the step to leave your husband. There is plenty of time for you in the future, once you have allowed yourself sufficient breathing space to re-establish your own sense of identity and worth, to enter into other relationships which can show to your children a much more health way of behaving.
I wish you all the best of luck for a future that you and your children deserve, and add my voice to the chorus telling you to get out.
xxx