To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

I think it's only natural to feel unsure and uncertain, but you have to think of the alternative.

If you stay with H then you children will still be living with their father yes, but is that really a good thing? Your ds was upset today by his father fobbing him off to go to the pub. This isn't likely to change.

Your H hasn't made any steps to get any sort of help, and feels that he is doing nothing wrong. If he is blameless he will feel no guilt, and where will it end? When your children are older and more 'challenging' (as teenagers and the like are), how will he respond to this?

I really think that you need to think of every scenario. People move house, change schools etc for all sorts of reasons, and kids do and will survive. You need to think of the long term outcome. Things are not going to get better overnight whether you stay or go, so you have to look ahead.

FWIW, my mother stayed with my father for the sake of myself and my sister as she thought (as you do) that it would be better for us. We had a nive standard of material living, a good school, friends etc. In the end, the abuse got much worse and both my sister and I not only witnessed it but were subjected to it. Drink was certainly a factor. As many people on this thread have said, it really can and does get worse.

You really are not over-reacting, not even slightly.

I hope that you feel better tomorrow, and apologies if any of my post seems at all harsh. It is meant with the best intentions.

But stars, you still seem to feel you are taking the children away from a happy, secure environment to some place awful where they'll be miserable forever.

Ask yourself honestly, do you really feel the atmosphere your children live in at the moment is healthy? Do you really think that they feel happy and secure living with a father who's mood can change in an instant and who's actions are equally as random? Yes their home is familiar to them but you know that that alone is not enough.

YOU are the one PERSON who is always there for them, YOU are the one providing the continuity of care that they need. You will continue to provide that care wherever YOU are. The place you live in is not the important part. Their father is not able to provide the care they need at the moment, due to reasons of his own making. You are not taking the children away from their father, you are removing your children from a situation which is damaging for them, can you see it that way?

Your children have only known life as it is now, once you are free to be yourselves, they will know how it can be and they will love it. They will love how different their mum is, how much lighter and happier she seems. They may end up having a much better relationship with their father too, but that will depend on the decisions he makes about his own future.

Keep posting your worries and questions Stars, it seems to be helping you gain strength. No one here is going to judge you, we all support you 100%.

Stars, I have lurked for ages now but wanted to say that you sound like an amazing Mum. You have put up with appalling conditions in the hope that things will change so they can grow up in a 'family unit, which shows how much you care about them. Now you have realised how this must be affecting them, you are doing something to change their circumstances to a happier life.

Sounds like a strong and brilliant Mummy to me.

Morning, Stars - how are you today?

Stars, I hope everything's ok, we all worry when we don't hear from you for a while.

Hi just logging on today to see how you are!

I just want to say Stars that your own tone in the last few pages has changed. Your more positive state of mind is showing through.

And

Maybe it's his time to sit around wondering where I am?

Damn right it is!!

And one little thing from ages back in this thread that has bugged me for days but I keep forgetting to mention it. The time when you went away or something with all his family and he was drunk. His family told you 'don't antagonise him'
Any other family would have given him a big slap round the chops and made an effort to support his wife living with their alco son. His family just brush it under the carpet and let you know that you are causing it by 'antagonising' him.

You are causing none of this!

There is still two weeks of the school holidays left so if you are in this 'leaving' frame of mind now its not too late to make a move this month.

He is luvin sometimes but rest of time I am bad at everything

Hi everyone.

Been busy this morning doing the washing etc.

Chldren have been playing in the garden H has been watching the grand prix and not said too much.

I could ask the lady from the WA to read this thread.
It may explain it better and also have the dates and time scales etc.

poppity-it is difficult to associate myself with this .
I suspose when I leave and lead a different life will be the time I realise what an awful life I had been living.

I know I should'nt stay for the children,they will not thank me for it in the long run.

I am not sure how happy my children are deep down.
DD is still quite young and very happy go lucky.
DS on the other hand is very sensitive and I only had to look at his face yesterday evening when H went out to see his disappointment and anger.
So all in all no is not good.
That is hard to live with.

I always thought things would cahnge but the children are getting older now and things are worse if anything.

Of corse before the children there were countless incidents ,too many to list.
We moved quite a bit and all my memories of those places we lived in can be linked to various pubs.
I was just thinking we once moved to a cottage with a few houses and a river,church hall nothing else.
I suggested that on the purpose thinking it would stop him drinking.
There was a village shop and pub about 3 miles and he would cycle to the pub instaed or walk.

Also early on in our relationship the times he came home with a cut head where he had fallen.
He once fell over indoors whilst drunk onto a glass and also burned himself badly on calor gas stove.

That incident was at his parents house.
We were styaing in a new part of the house that was built on away from his parents bedroom.
His brothers and sister were also staying.
THey have a 6 bed house so we were in the new extension which had it's own lounge,kitchen,bathroom and 2 bedrooms.
The thing about that night was my 2 chilsren and his brothers daughter were sharing a bedroom.
H was saying some vile things to me and could'nt believe his brother ignored it as his daughter was asleep in the next bedroom.

Will use the next 2 weeks to have a clearout whilst the children are here and make out we are sorting out old toys and clothes for the charity shop.

x posts

Noodle-
has my thread struck a chord with you?
These ladies on here have been utterly brilliant and supportive and have helped me through some tough days and nights.

I am in a whirl of emotion and VERY occasionally I feel like giving in and make the best of it and protect the children to keep their lives stable .
But know I cant do that anymore,it's too late.

Am sat here shaking and in tears.

The children are playing outside.
I was in the kitchen and H has just announced he is going down the pub.
I asked him why,it's sunday does he have to go.
I told him upset DS was yesterday.
He said it only lasted 5 mins and he was fine.
He said he was bored.

Left it a couple of minutes and went to see if he had gone to see him out of the window walking up the road ,hands n pockets without a care in the world.

I know from experience if he is walking to the pub instead of taking the car he plans to have more than one drink.

Well don't waste your tears on him stars. Use the time to plan a little more in your head or by doing something practical. At least he's going to be gone a while, less time for him to run you down.

LOL was just thinking about when I once looked out to see if my ex had gone(to work) ....... He had, on his bike, with a bag on his back containing ALL my underwear cos he thought my being preoccupied meant I was having an affair!!! I was amazed!! I mean, as if I'd NEED underwear for an affair!!! I was seriously worried at the time, but can look back and laugh now! Maybe in time you will too!

Tiffany,made me laugh about the underwear.

Dittany-yes I think he is an alcholic,he does'nt.
He said he was only going for 1 pint but him walking tells me otherwise.
The 6 empty beer bottles sit in the kitchen from last night plus whatever drink he had at the pub yesterday.

It is his birthday tomorrow,he is working.
I have not planned anything special.
I was re reading about his birthday last year from the link dreadpirate posted for me.
I would only get it wrong anyway.

I do have some money in bank account.

Well Stars my love....you could just pop upstairs....pack a bag, tell the kids you are all going to stay at your sister's for a little treat as it is the holidays...and just go.

You will then NEVER AGAIN have to wait in dread for him to come in from the pub and do whatever he is likely to do.

How amazing would that be?

No upset for the kids....no upset for you....just FREEDOM!!!!

xxxxxxx

Stars... What are you waiting for? That's not rhetorical, that's an actual question. You've decided you want to go, but you're not showing signs of going... If you are putting this off, why do you think that is? x

I am not prepared mentally to go I suspose.
I am sat her shaking,feeling sick,trying to keep busy so I don't have to think.
Am paceing(sp) up and down.

I am scared to go that final step.

You are doing so well, stars - I am so proud of you.

Stars you are doing well so far, keep going.

You say you are not prepared mentally, but the more you keep thinking about it, the worse leaving will become. I agree you should pop upstairs, call your sister, tell the kids the 3 of you are going to Auntys for a few days, let your head get around it there, whilst having a few days to get your head around it.

OK, that's totally understandable.

Do you feel up to taking preliminary steps such as locating your important certificates / photos / passport etc? You don't need to put them in one place, but just check they are where you think they are. Other people have made longer lists for you on here, but you'll need to make your own.

That wouldn't be committing to going, it would just be thinking your options through. And it would keep you busy.

I am trying to keep it together.

My sister only has one spare room and has not actually said I could stay.
She has quite a hectic life herself and don't want to burden her with this.
I just could'nt do it.

Stars is there anywhere you could go with the children now?