To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

screamingabdab - I was just about to post the same to Stars

You know Stars, today you sound stronger in your resolve and really quite powerful. It is great to see.

Stars, it's good to hear you still sounding so strong.

Did your H end up booking some time off over Easter or will you have some time just you and your children?

You sound like you're just about ready to leave both physically and mentally.

I think he ahs sensed it already but doubt very mch he will have sensed that I want to leave.
He will be thinking I have no money,no where to go and with my anxiety issues will think I won't be able to do it..

I am constantly told I am a bad wife or mother u just have to live with it.

you can do it because you're not on your own! you've got a whole team of us standing right behind you

Stars, you sound so positive today. Well done.

Noodle, of course you don't have to live with it? Why would you?

Hi Stars - sorry that you've ended up on your own this evening after what sounds like a better day.

You know that you want to go at some stage - and you have already found out that you will have somewhere to live. I hope that you don't have to leave suddenly later this evening, but can choose your own time when you have more time to get things together - but you know that you could if you needed to.

Lots of positive thoughts coming your way

noodle, you don't have to live with it - even if you want to, I'm begging you to not try to get others to share your sad fate.

Stars - having pc problems tonight, so will get Hobbgoblins details to you soon as poss. Do you also want me to print the threads for you? Should be able to do that over the next few days.

I hope you can phone on Monday. Maybe I can also talk to WA for you if you can't get the time to get through? Send me the name of the counsellor you talked to?

In a way, I'm kind of glad that H is showing his true colours again, because it's strengthening your resolve to leave soon. You shouldn't have to be putting up with this any night, let alone every night.

And I'm very glad that you're looking forward to spending time alone with your DCs. Start looking forward to your 'holiday' when you've left H to wonder where you are, and you're concentrating on looking after the important people in your life - DS, DD and you.

Stars, did it ever dawn on you how lucky your children are to have you as a parent, imagine if you were as irresponsible as your H is? Your children would be seriously neglected and would come under the attention of SS, you could face jail for child neglect. Your H is a child neglecter but doesn't harbour the consequences because you are there to do it all instead.
If you were to leave, you would be carrying on as normal, but without the treading on eggshells...

Am feeling a bit down.
Can't stop crying.
I guess I know that I have got to do this soon and am so scared.

dreadpirate-would really appreciate it if you could print the threads for me.

I don't feel like a very good parent at this moment in time.

Oh Stars - You're a fantastic parent. Listen to what people are telling you - you're putting up with all the crap from H and still managing to put your DCs first.

I'll print the threads of for you so you can use/refer to them in the future. Will you call WA on Monday? Is there anything I can do?

((((((((Hug))))))))

I've only lurked here, but be proud of how well you've coped - a weaker person would have buckled under this kind of pressure a long time ago. You're wonderful and your dc are lucky you're their mum.

Thanks dreadpirate.

I will try to ring WA on monday.

Keep re reading this thread to remind me why I am doing this.

It feels like this is happening to another person at the moment.
I can't quite relate that this is me I am reading about.

I don't think it is really you Stars - I think the person you are has been gradually covered in protective layers over the years, as your H has got more and more abusive. You're still in there, and starting to come back to the surface - this is maybe the change he's seeing in you. Very soon, you'll make your escape and then you won't need those protective layers any more - you can feel the sun on your back and enjoy just being alive...

(Did that sound really poncey? )

That is how I felt Stars, like it was another person, I did not believe that could be happening to me. And I still kind of cannot belive it happened.

Do call WA on Monday, tell them you feel like you are ready to go (you sound as ready as you can be...because a magic moment where it all becomes easy does not happen), they will help you leave straight away, you just need to do it. Things WILL get better.

Do not feel sorry for him, he needs help but not from you.

Imagine where you could be a year from now if you leave now.

Stars, why don't you feel like a good parent right now? How would you define good parenting? I would define a good parent as someone who puts their children's needs above their own, who wants the best for their children's future and above all loves their kids and wants them to be happy and safe.

That person is YOU

Throughout this living hell your H has subjected you to, you have put your children's needs and happiness before your own. You always consider them in everything you do, in every descision you make. You are a fab mum, and I hope you can believe that one day.

stars been following this thread. Stay strong, you are doing really well. One day soon you will be safe and won't have to be scared and miserable. I know its not easy but just take it one hour at a time.

Stars, I have just found this thread and wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you. You are being so brave - and think what an amazing role model you are for your children to be able to put them above everything else. If that is not good parenting, I don't know what is.

dreadpirate-I think that is quite an accurate description.
My sister noticed on the phone the other day I sounded a bit more like my old self.

I suspose I still feel that I am over reacting to all this.
When I spoke to the lady at the WA I tried to get across everything that had happened and she said it was abusive.
If there was some way she could read this thread and get a fuller picture then she said it warranted me taking action I may believe it myself.

I don't feel like a good parent for letting it go on for so long and for taking the children away from their father and their home,school,friends etc.

She can read this thread if you're happy talking her through how to find it... Is that something you want to ask her on Monday?

It is abusive, you're not over-reacting, and we're all worried about you while you stay with this man, and wanting to get to know the real Stars once you've left

And can you see the contradiction in your last statement? You did what you could to stop it happening and he refuses to behave any differently. Taking your kids away from him is the best thing for now - maybe he'll be able to sort out his behaviour so that he can see them again in the future. In the meantime you are their family, and you will be there for them.

The house isn't a home if you're walking on eggshells. Schools can be changed, new friends can be made (and invited home after school because you won't have to be embarrassed about what they might see or hear).

The future is so bright for you and your children - I just wish you'd let me come over and hoick you out into it

Need to go to bed now, but will check in again in the morning. Sleep well,

xx

I think it's true that you are just not going to feel good about any part of this, not until time after has enabled you to look at it objectively and with kindness to yourself.
I discovered that I had been conditioned to accept responsibility for all that he did wrong. I felt so so wrong for denying my child his father that I stayed for months after friends were begging me to leave. I couldn't see what they could because I carried the guilt for it all as I had been conditioned to.
I know that's really waffley, I hope it makes some sense?
I also convinced myself that if he would just not be violent, I could live like that until ds was grown up. I felt I owed it to my child. I can see now that it could never have happened. Quite apart from anything else, people know when you don't really love them, and for someone with problems, the resentment just compounds things.
If you cannot love him even if he changed, leave before hatred sets in. Once you've done it, you'll feel you can do anything! (Looking at some of the things you have to deal with, you can already do anything, you just don't know it yet)
I wish I could put things a little better. The way you carry your guilt over this, and don't quite believe that what's happening is all that bad- after all even though mine was violent sometimes, I didn't have the black eyes/broken nose/screaming fights I associated with abuse- just really struck a chord with me and I wanted you to know someone else had been there and felt she had done the right thing about it now.