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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 18:12

dandylioness-the answer is NO.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 04/04/2009 18:13

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Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 18:14

I can't help but feel the general consensus on here will be
"told you so"

I knew that deep down.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 18:17

He may well be troubled and unhappy but that is self inflicted,sorry to be harsh.

I have been troubled and unhappy for years through his drinking.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 04/04/2009 18:18

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LobstersLass · 04/04/2009 18:20

Stars, no one will say told you so.

In a way it's good this has happened as it's reinforced your thinking. You weren't ready to leave last week. The more often he does this the more likely you are to find the strength to go.

I urge you to do something next week, as soon as you can. But I understand if you don't. It's not me that has to find the courage to walk out.

One thing though, whatever you do, don't tell him that you're going to leave. He can find that out when you're gone. By then you and your children will be safe. You really mustn't tell him, I feel it would be very dangerous to do so.

Good luck lovely.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 04/04/2009 18:20

How does he feel about you? tbh, he sounds like he hates you - how many times on this thread have you talked about the vile look he gives you, the way you say he stares at you with hatred. How can you bear to be with someone who can look at you with such contempt and loathing? Take time to truly think about what he is clearly showing you he feels about you - please don't stay with a man who regularly looks at you with hatred.

amidaiwish · 04/04/2009 18:21

no one is thinknig told you so stars, all any of us want is you and the children to be safe.
and to be safe we think you need to be away from him.
we are scared you are going to tell him, try to reason with him, negotiate your "release"

the patterns are there, the behaviour is there, it's all unfolding, we seriously believe you are at risk. and your children.

DandyLioness · 04/04/2009 18:21

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Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 18:38

Sorry ,just meant I told you so as in he has gone out again without saying where he is going.

He would say he loves me ,I think,but can't understand why I don't want to be close to him.

He probably does have issues from his past,as we all do.

He has just come back in as I was serving up the childrens dinner and is now complaining I did'nt make him any dinner.
I explained I did'nt know how long he was going to be and he said you have been here all day you could have orgainised dinner.

I told him if he had told me he was going out and how long for I would have made him some as well.

He just replied
"don't have an opinion ,it is not valid"

OP posts:
HecAteTheEasterBunny · 04/04/2009 18:40

I'm lost for words.

What are you going to do?? he is not going to change, well, he will, he'll get worse.

DandyLioness · 04/04/2009 18:43

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dittany · 04/04/2009 18:45

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screamingabdab · 04/04/2009 18:45

No one has the right to talk to you like that

amidaiwish · 04/04/2009 18:46

ok so when are you going?

amidaiwish · 04/04/2009 18:47

"He would say he loves me ,I think,but can't understand why I don't want to be close to him."

you don't talk like that to someone you love. you really don't.

anyway you don't need me to tell you that, it's just details.

more importantly:
have you got the bits of paperwork you need to make life easier together? that's all you need.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 19:20

I have got some paperwork together and intend to get copies of bank statements etc.

It dawned on me today after his outburst about his bamk card whether he has an inkling about me wanting to leave.
Maybe he thought I was gong to clear out his bank account.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 19:21

I have got some paperwork together and intend to get copies of bank statements etc.

It dawned on me today after his outburst about his bamk card whether he has an inkling about me wanting to leave.
Maybe he thought I was gong to clear out his bank account.

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 04/04/2009 19:29

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clam · 04/04/2009 19:35

And you need to keep strictly to a prepared mantra when you speak to him once you have left. Keep concentrating on his behaviour and drink problem making it impossible for you to allow the children to live with him. Don't allow him to shift it on to any of your past stuff, just say that's irrelevant to what's happening now, and that it's his drinking, aggression and abusive behaviour that has prompted this state of affairs. You cannot live with him, or allow the children to, whilst he's..... blah, blah, blah. Repeat as necessary.
He clearly believes that if he says something often enough (e.g. you're useless), it will become a given. So turn it round on him.

hobbgoblin · 04/04/2009 19:43

Hi there

Thanks for okaying my contact with DPirate, I'll email her when children are in bed. Thanks DPirate - not sure why CAT didn't work but will email to the address supplied.

My DP was shocked when I suddenly left and I witnessed a range of responses from him; some very upsetting others less so. I've just dropped our DS with him for the weekend actually which shows how far we've all come since putting an end to the abusive relationship. He (my DP) got help, he is lots better but still not somebody I'd want to be with. Besides, my life has moved on.

I'm not saying it gets easier from the moment of leaving, because it doesn't. However, in the almost 3 years since I left I've experienced so much more happiness and freedom that I never would have seen if I'd satyed.

The other thing I'd warn is that following a long time in an emotionally abusive relationship it really is important to get help for you. I've gone on to repeat some of my past relationship mistakes and have experienced a second (slightly less) abusive partner. This is very common. When you do leave, take the time to build up your self esteem and courage and don't underestimate how long this can take.

In honesty, there may be legal quarrels ahead which will be tough but it will be SO worth it, honestly.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 19:58

He probably has realised I have emotionally left and that is why he is angry with me.
But telling me to get treatment and saying it in an uncaring way is hardly going to soften me towards him.

clam-when I ty to talk to him about his drin king he always says we are not talking about me and the past we are talking about you.
Funny that the past to him can mean yesterday.

hobbgoblin -gives me hope for the future.
Although must say am sure I will not want a relationship for some time .
Just want some time alone with the children.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 04/04/2009 20:00

stars. You are sounding so positive today.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 04/04/2009 20:12

Am trying to stay positive.
It's always the night times when I feel it most and my resolve starts to waver.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/04/2009 20:16

Stars.......if you're gonna go, then go. He WILL sense something is up otherwise.

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