To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Just one more step Stars, one more step...

I just don't know.
If he is sober which obviously I would make sure of when telling him I am sure he would be violent.

In the past a long time ago he would grab my arms and the threats he would say was when he was drunk and can't remember them.

That was meant to say would not be violent.

Freudian slip there.

It's such a big step...

Telling your H you are leaving is a crazy idea, whether your sister is there or not.

He will not fall into your arms and beg you not to go.

He will not suddenly realise that he needs to change and that maybe it isn't all your fault after all.

He will do anything he can to stop you leaving with the children. Think about the rage he flies into over his dinner or the children playing up. What could he be capable of if faced with you telling him you're leaving?

This is not it for you sweetheart, your're only 42, you have your whole life left to live, in freedom and safety.

It doesn't have to be a big step. It can be a short holiday in a refuge while you work out what you want to do and what sort of life you want for you and the kids.

And his response to your taking that break would tell you a lot about whether or not you could ever go back.

A holiday. A few days or weeks of not treading on eggshells, being treated like dirt, not feeling like you can take in a full breath...

Just pack for a short break, call Womens Aid, and take that holiday. You can work everything else out while you're there...

I was at our surestart centre today, I'm a governor there.
We all had to look at and approve a new manual they have about domestic abuse.
One of the pages was 'plan your escape'. The first things was that if you think you might be going anytime soon, put essential items like passports, birth certs, photos and a change of clothes into a bag and leave it with a trusted person.
(I nominate dreadpirate)
Then if the worst happens and you ever just have to run out the door you know you have stuff.

I think for you the tasks associated with leaving are turning into one big task that you feel is too much for you.

So, how about each day till say the next half term, you do one job per day until every thing is done/emergency bag packed, and before you know it your escape route will be ready.

So, when he goes back to work,

Day 1. put essential old fashioned pre-digital photos in a big envelope and post it to your sister or someone else you trust.

Day 2. upload digital essential pics to flikr/truprint/picturetrail etc then if you want them later on you can have more copies printed.

Day 3. Post your birth certs to safe place.

Day 4. Take bank statements to a photocopy shop and get copies.

Clean clothes are the last thing you need to worry about!

Perhaps others can help with suggestions for small things you can do one at a time till you have everything in place?

Now I just want to add some positives - neither of you own the house (doesn't that speak volumes about how his father sees him?) so nothing to battle over there.
You aren't working so you don't have to worry about job or earnings or travel to work from wherever you end up.

And a thought I had today, The worst case scenario when you go is that you might be

On your own with the kids, in an uncomfortable rented place.

So it can't be any worse than where you are now.

I must admit I was disappointed when I logged on today and you are still there, but then I dithered for ages and didn't even have children to consider. You have done the hardest thing which is to admit your situation, and decide you are going to leave. You've probably been on autopilot for so long.

Lets set a new deadline for the half term holiday.

I still don't think you should tell him you're leaving; what would be the point? It would obviously not be a pleasant conversation, and it could very likely end in him trying to stop you,or trying to grab the children or some horrible scene, so your best bet REALLY is to go without telling him. Please take this advice. I don't know why you feel the need to tell him you're leaving; just do it. I think you've been brainwashed into asking his permission for every little thing; it's time for that to stop now. You will not be "letting him down, betraying him" or whatever. HE is the the one who has BADLY let you down and betrayed you.
It's a big step, but a lovely step towards a nice calm, maybe even enjoyable life! Take it!!!
Tell the kids you're going on a holiday an do it.
Have you got the paperwork together and the money? What on earth are you staying for? If it's the possessions then hire a van and do it while he's at work. His kids will still be able to have a relationship with him, but joy of joys- you won't have to!!!

I have to go now, but will check in in the morning. I know it'll be hard to post over the weekend, but can you just check in and let us know you're OK? I'm also on the end of the phone if you need me, and you have my email. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.

xx

X post.

DON'T TELL HIM.

Listen to all of us saying that.

Sober or not he will not let you leave and you'll end up like me running out in the clothes you stand up in.

He has no respect for you, he gives absolutely no consideration to your feelings.

So you have absolutely no reason to be the least bit considerate to him in this matter.

Dreadpirate is right, it can just be for a short break. You need time away from him to think properly.

But please don't tell him, just go.

Hi, I have been following this thread but not posted before. I just wanted to say, if he was calm and not unpleasant to you as tonight all the time, would you want to save the relationship?
I know many others have posted on here with their stories, I don't know if that helps you, I wanted to add mine briefly in the hope they do. The father of my ds1 was unpredictable in his behaviour, sometimes overbearing, sometimes threatening/controlling, occasionally a bit physical. He would challenge small things, square up to me in doorways when I passed, make me feel small in front of others, nothing much massive until the end, just lots of things very similar to what you have posted here. When I complained I always felt like I was overreacting. I stayed until ds was 2, although this had gone on since early pregnancy. I had so much guilt, he was great with ds1 when home, he could be nice to me sometimes. I felt I was overreacting and causing my son pain when I didn't need to. I never thought he would be violent, but he was . He blamed me for pushing him to it, and he said he would never do it again, but he did.
I am not saying this will happen, I just know that my son ended up seeing things I still wish he hadn't, and that I wish I had had the strength to leave as soon as I realised that I didn't want him even if he did change.
It is 9 years on now, and have wonderful dh and more dc. Good relationship with ex took years to build as had broken down so badly, although managed to maintain ds1 and ex good relationship throughout thanks to friends and dh. BUT it is good now.
Out of interest, after 3 years and happily settled with dh, he said to me he was beginning to think maybe it was him who had problems, and not me! He went to get help then. He thought the problem lay with me before then, no matter what anyone said to him.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, just know that if you really feel inside that you can't love him whatever he does now, then you will wonder what on earth you waited for afterwards. I don't know what you should do if you think you still could love him though , my thought are with you.

Hi stars,

i am yet another infrequest poster who has followed your story with concern and really feel for the position you are in.

I know that I'll probably be in the minority here but there is a possibility that he has become to realise what an a* he;s been and maybe is trying to make small amends in his own way.

Personally I don't think you should tell him that you are leaving nor do i think you should just walk out .

Would you be able to see how the weekend goes and if he stays off the drink perhaps have a civilised discussin about how he makes you feel or have things gone too far for that ?

I know the general sense is that he doesn't deserve an explanation, but if he genuinely doesn't realise what he is doing to you (and I know he should, but we all know that men really aren't very good at this)

If he's really making an effort because he's realised in some small way what he's put you through maybe you should at least let him know how badly it is getting to you - and i don't mean use 'or else i'll leave' but just so he knows that you are being seriusly affected and if he then chooses not to do anything then you go at the next opportunity.

apologies if this goes against the general grain, and confuses you even more, but we can see how reluctant you are to just up and go, so why not use these holidays to work at improving things- and if they don't, then you know what you need to do.

Thinking of you x

I think you are all right that if she tells him she is going with the children he will take it very badly , but I think she needs to make it clear to him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that she has had enough and isn't going to keep putting up with it before just disappearing with the children.

Just read this post for the first time today.

I've been through domestic abuse, fleeing in the middle of the night, living in a refuge, all manner of accomodation/landlord issues, a residency (of children) application from ex H, alcoholic partner, divorce, depresion/anxiety, the lot related to your situation really and

I'm also a support worker so have up to date info from a professional pov. as well as personal.

If I can help in any way at all please let me

I'm in Herts and have time on my hands to some extent as pregnant and off work. Can deadpirates CAT me if I'm of any use?

Other than that I agree - say nothing and act fast. Plus do not underestimate the unpleasant turns this could take suddenly.

I've just found this thread.
Havent read all postd but from what I have get out Stars, don't tell him/don't say a word, just go out and don't return. I agree with dittany, explanation AFTER you've left.

I have dealt with domestic violence and abusive alcoholics for 6yrs. I left with my 2 children.

Yep, so much can be sorted AFTER you have left and in fact will be far more solid as you will be in a position of strength and control again.

If you go to a refuge you are not a hostage like you are in your marriage. Of course the support staff hope you will not return to a bad situation but they will not keep you there or think badly of you if you feel you want to return home.

I'm not suggesting anything about the future but I think it's pretty clear you need to leave now in order to regain control and safety for your children. Start from there, not where you are now.

Sorry but a question, are you in the UK stars?

Totally agree with you dittany.
Threats=alcohol(actually even without alcohol)=violence/danger
Get out while u still can.

By starsnstripes on Wed 25-Mar-09 20:34:31

"He is being really nice and I am now feeling really guilty that I am betraying him.

I know it is just one night though."

I don't need to add any more but just wanted to remind you of this Stars - in your own words, not ours.

I agree with above, and think that telling him would be a mistake.

When I helped my mother to leave her abusive and violent (when drunk) DH we waited until he was away with business, no pre-planning and very spur of the moment. It really was the best way.

I think that TheDreadPirate is speaking a lot of sense - think of it as a break whilst you decide on your next step.