To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Like many others I have been following this thread. My mother was in a relationship with an abusive man (my father) we would all play happily with him but were always on tenterhooks as to when he might turn on us, which he did once we were a bit older, and my mum never knew.

Now he wasn't an alcoholic, and I don't want to say this is happening to you but your children will know something sin't right.

Good luck, will be thinking of you, x

I have bought my laptop up to my bedroom so not being overlooked.

I know deep down this is just one of those weekends where he is making an effort as many times before.
Come monday it will be back to business as usual.

I know I am letting my children down by staying it does'nt matter about me.
It's just hearing them playing earlier with their dad and laughing is so difficult.
I know they will see their dad when we finally split and am sure those times will be a lot happier for them without all this atmosphere around.

You're so right Stars!

We had great times with my Dad once he left. While he was there we were always aware of the horrible atmosphere. Your children will thank you one day I know that for sure.

Have emailed you Stars

Hi Stars
I've been reading your thread and rooting for you all the way.
Just an observation really - the pattern seems to be that your dh is an obnoxious t%sser when he's had a drink. On the rare occasions when he gets home without going to the pub first he seems to be making an effort. Could it be that he suspects something is 'up'? Could he know that something has changed in you? Is there any way he could have seen this thread?

Main question - are you safe with him? Sorry to say this but abusive men are often at their most dangerous when their partner is about to leave them.

I guess you have a gut feeling about this. I am not saying he is or isn't dangerous - you know him best. If you have any fears that you are in danger then follow the advice on this thread to get out immediately with just the clothes on your back if needs be. If you feel safe (although very unhappy) then plan your departure like a military campaign so that you know where you will go, when, how, what with. Make it as easy as possible on yourself and your dcs by sorting yourself as much as possible beforehand. That way the trauma will be less.
Good luck!

Stars - (no offence slambang) don't worry about the planning - planning can wait. It would all be so much easier to think about and work out if you were away from this poisonous, belittling influence of your H... All you need is you and your DCs. Key paperwork will make it easier, favourite clothes and toys will make it more pleasant.

But the most important thing is the three of you, alive and uninjured, somewhere you can begin to build a life away from the terror.

And as I said, maybe the sharp shock of finding you gone and out of his control will get your H to find some help for himself and his problems...

Great to hear from you Stars, hope the amazing pyramid of human cellulite made you smile today! Keep posting, it's brilliant to hear how positive you're being and how strong! Will check in over the weekend whenever I can, stay safe .

I'm glad to read you are ok if a little confused by his (again) contrary behaviour.

Don't let him make you believe you don't matter.
Do you not matter to your parents? Your Sister? Your friends and other family?

Most importantly do you really think you don't matter to your children? You are their world and their rock. He is the only one who doesn't appreciate you. He is the odd one out.

I hope you have as good a weekend as you can and will keep my fingers crossed that when I log back in on Sunday, you and your LOs will be safe and sound and away from his apalling behaviour.

All the best

xxx

Stars - I hope that you have a good weekend and things are less bad. Please post when you can, but don't take any risks.

Stay safe

Lots of us are thinking about you and your children

Once the paperwork/photos are together as Buda listed, it doesn't take long to grab kids' duvets & favourite toys.

Stars, you do now know you can go to Women's Aid whenever you want to. Whenever you choose there is a better future waiting for you and your precious dcs. We sense your fear, your reluctance - stepping into the unknown is like that - but there are people there willing to support and help you.

Once free you can contact the council and move nearer to your sister and have the love and closeness of a family you should have had all along.

I hope I'm not bullying, you've been pushed around so much it does have to be your decision.

But it can be done. I've helped a friend leave her abusive husband. Hired the lorry. Found storage for her few bits of furniture in a friend's barn. Took implacable dh with us in case husband was violent - with firm intent to involve police if needed - and her husband was a drunk, grovelling snivel; he saved all the violence for when they were alone.

And she turned her back on it all. It was a house that held no fond memories for her. We had a few late night phone calls from him wanting to know how/where his "darling XXX" was - dh firmly encouraged him to desist. My friend is so happy now, it's hard to imagine she had that horrible old life.

I know DreadPirate has been a big support, and I happen to be in Norfolk next week. If I can be an practical help to you, just email me at siren sister at ntl world dot com (no spaces)

Just re-read my post and it sound a bit hectoring - didn't mean it to. Just wishing you strength and for you to know we are here.

Stars, I am rooting for you too.

I'm another one who escaped a controlling, emotionally abusive man. I'm so that there seems to be so many of us.

Wishing you strength Star.

Great post Truedat, you are so right.

Have been re reading this thread again to remind why I am doing this.

I don't think H has seen this thread but do think he has seen a change in me and maybe that is why he is making an effort.
Although judging by lasts night performance the effort has just started today.

Things have been calm for once and I am not used to that.

Use this period of relative calm as time for you to get things sorted out in your mind whilst you are not so stressed.

And sleep well.

{{{hugs}}}

Glad you have posted sunnygirl-Thank you .
Have had your details forwarded to me by dreadpirate and much appreciate your support.

Will e mail you sometime when things have progressed.

Stars - it may only be coincidence, because he left work early for school and therefore didn't drink so much tonight... But you know why you're doing this anyway...

So, what can we do to help?

don't be fooled stars. It won't be a permanent change. It will only be til he has you back in control again. Stay strong!

Stars, I hope you are ok this evening, your H's change in behaviour is scaring me. What is he up to now?

If your H was any sort of proper father, he would be laughing and playing with his children EVERYDAY after work, not using it a ploy to fuck with your head some more. On a normal work day, the pub is his priority, not his kids.

Changing your life is scary, (I know, I changed mine forever yesterday.) But staying the same is much much scarier.

You CAN do it.
You WILL do it.

Yes,I agree.
He left early therefore was home so the oppurtunity to go to the pub was not there.
He did have about 4-5 gin and tonics though but was just mellowed and not his usual aggressive self after drinking.

I am not sure how he would react if I just leftTalking to my sister today she thinks I should just leave or at lesat have here there when I tell him.
I don't think he would get violent it would be hurt,anger ,you are not taking the children.

I am scared of the future purplesponge.

Stars - the devil you know is not better than the devil you don't. Look up Ilovetiffany, or any of the other women who've left abusive relationships - the future is bright. Add your sunglasses to the packing list!

Sorry pressed enter by mistake.
Meant to say purplesponge as you say staying is scarier.

I just feel empty.
I look at the other couples at school,in my family etc and think why can't I have that.

We sleep in seperate rooms and have done for awhile now and I think I am 42 is this it for me now?

Will make a note to add my sunglasses,then everytime I put them on can think of this thread and think I did it.

Stars, I obviously don't know your husband, but , you know what? I do believe he will become violent if you stand there and tell him you're leaving! I really to think there will be some nAsty, damaging altercation. In fro t of your dc.........after all, at that point. There really isn't anything else left for him to lose is there?!!

Don't know if anyone else agrees about the violence, just a hunch. You know him better than us!