Hi Stars
Been watching this thread and just wanted to send some words of encouragement. I left a 9-year relationship just like yours only 6 weeks ago. I know exactly how you are feeling now - I wanted to leave for more than a year, but kept thinking of how my XP would react, how he would feel after I left and so on. You must understand that this is a symptom of the brainwashing (yes that sounds like a strong word to use, but it is certainly how I feel about how he treated me) he had carried out on me. I am sure that you never put yourself and your feelings before your DH. But you must force yourself to do so now. You know deep down leaving is the right thing to do for you and your children, and you have to just bury the feelings of guilt towards, just long enough for you to get out.
Having only very recently left, I can tell you that you will feel guilt, sadness, remorse, sorry for your husband on a daily basis, but again this is symptomatic of the kind of relationship you are in. It is hard work, but you will be able to get through it - the relief you'll feel when you initially leave will be almost overwhelming, and not being in a constant state of fear and anxiety will be liberating. I still live in the same town as my XP and saw him a week or so ago (luckily he did not see me) and really freaked. I was shaking and wanted to run and hide, do anything so he wouldn't see me. I then realised that was how I felt pretty much all of the time when I was with him, and it was very powerful to feel it again after several weeks of feeling relatively relaxed - but a real wake up call that I never want to go back to him, no matter how much I think I miss him.
As I read your threads I am genuinely concerned for your safety. My partner was always controlling and critical like yours, and was "mildly" violent (the pushing, shoving, using physical size to intimidate, etc.) from very early on, but this escalated and increased as time went on, to the point seriously scared for my physical safety. I am sure you have read information on site's like Women's Aid, etc. and it should be clear he will never change without help and will most likely get worse.
One other thing I will say is please don't worry about personal possessions or the logistics of leaving. I used these things as excuses to put off the horrible, inevitable decision I had to make. In the end I left with only two small bags of clothes, and have not been back since. It's funny how, once you're out, no possession is important enough to make you want to go back to that place and him. I have to say that I don't have children, and I understand that this must make it more difficult, but you must know deep inside that they will be better off in the long term regardless of any short term upheaval.
I am still healing and have a long way to go, but am grateful over and over that I now don't feel anxious all the time, and am not told how useless and stupid I am on a daily basis, and I will certainly never, ever allow a man to be intimidating or violent to me again.
Apologies if I have just repeated what everyone else has said, but I found when I was planning to leave and when I actually left that to keep hearing encouragement and people telling me that I wasn't mad and it wasn't my fault helped to give me the strength I needed. I hope you can find yours. Good luck x