To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Stars, just checking in and saying Hi! Sorry if you feel we're putting too much expectation on you, you sure as hell don't have to live up to anything! I think LadyGlencoraPalliser has said it much better than I can anyway, read what she's written again.

Adding my {{{hugs}}} and support, stay safe .

Hi starsnstripes

I too have been following this thread over the last couple of days.

I think the one thing you need to accept is that he is an alcoholic. He won't admit that at the moment of course. I would also say that he is an incredibly unhappy man - hence the constant anger. He directs the anger at you because you are an easy target. I am not excusing it in any way but he is unhappy and angry and taking it out on you and using alcohol as a crutch.

I think the only thing that may make him wake up and see what he is doing is a huge shock. That of you leaving and taking the children. He will become more angry of course. You cannot ask him for permission to leave or tell him you are leaving. As others have said you need to get yourself organised (I think by doing that you will feel more in control) and just go.

I know you are worried for the children. Ironically doing this may actually save their relationship with their father if it makes him see what he is doing. Trust me - the longer you stay the more damage you are doing to them. And yes I do mean YOU. You are telling them that it is alright to behave like he does.

I grew up with an angry frustrated father who drank too much. I know only too well the feeling of knowing what time he should be home and realising that he was obv in the pub again. The feeling of knots in my stomach wondering what mood he would be in. All the feelings that you have about your H coming home, I had about my father. And so did my younger sisters. And so do your children. My father was not nearly as bad as your H and we still all felt this way.

I know you don't feel that it is bad enough to warrant running to a refuge but the sheer fact of his unpredictability and volatility means that it is. Especially to protect the children. He is getting angrier and his behaviour will get worse. He will becomre more volatile and more angry. He will take that out on you because that is what he does. Your children will see and hear it all.

So. Get yourself organised.

Birth certificates - yours and the childrens.
Passports - yours and the childrens.
Marriage certificate.
As much cash as you can lay your hands on.
Photos.

TAKE THE LAPTOP. It is not his.

The above is all you really need.

Nice to have:
Favourite toys of the childrens,
Duvet covers and pillowcases of the children for familiarity if nec.

I know you say you have issues with anxiety and depression but they won't go away with how things are currently. They are caused by how things are.

You just need a few days of being really strong and then you will feel so much better.

You owe it to the children. And you owe it to you.

Hope it's today Stars.

I'll be with you in spirit, so to speak.

(If you get the sudden mental image of a middle aged wobbly woman dressed as a cheerleader, showing all her cellulite, shaking a pom pom and singing "Go Staaaars, Go Staaars!!" that'll be my psychic support you're seeing.)

Really today would be the best day.

Best of love.

O/T - BalloonSlayer, if she's lucky (?!) there'll be a whole troupe of them... PMSL at mental image of us all forming a pyramid!

Stars I'm thinking of you today. If it helps at all, before I left my abusive ex, I was always putting up mental goalposts - it'll get better if we just get away on holiday - I just need to change my hours at work - and on and on. You're past that, obviously - but in saying it's a matter of "when" I wonder if you're trying to set yourself similar targets?

Your whole life awaits you, and when you've done this, you'll go through a stage where you're grieving for the wasted months and years you spent being so unhappy when you and your children could be safe.

It may feel like a step into the unknown. But you know what the Chinese have to say about the journey of a thousand miles and the single step. Do it.

Stars, you were my first thought when I woke up this morning and I was metaphorically pushing so much to make you go today that I nearly peed myself. Now there's a mental image you want to file next to BalloonSlayer's cheerleader.

I was thinking how I would organise to go myself and realised I was being gripped by fear and didn't know where to start. I started thinking of so many things I would have to pack and worrying that I would leave something important behind that I felt paralised.

Would it help if we start that list for you?

I don't have much experience of this but I'm sure others will help. In fact I just realised Buda started one further up:

• Ring Woman's Aid and tell them you want to leave today. I'm pretty sure they'll talk you through the steps.
• Passports
• Birth certificates
• Cash and cards
• Mobile phone
• Laptop
• CDs
• Photos (can the photos and CDs go on the laptop)
• Enough clothes for 5 days?
• One favourite toy and book for each child
• Duvet cover and pillowcase

Anything else?

I'm pushing again.

I hoping todays the day for you stars.

We'll all be here tomorrow if it isn't though and the day after that and the day after that until you're ready...

Very scared for you now though.

Maybe it would be easier to think of it as taking the children away for just a few days?

Don't tell yourself this has to be forever.

Then, in a few days, think about it again.

Once you're out, I'm betting that head of yours will clear and all of a sudden you'll realise you CAN do this and a few days will become an few more days and a few more days - until you're free

We'll all be here for you with support and any stuff you need until you feel you can do it by yourself - no matter how long it takes! I've delayed sending my charity bags to the shop just in case there is anything in there that you might need.

Maybe you could mail some photo's/files to dreadpirate for her to hold on to for you - or me, just give me a minute to set up an anonymous address....

Perhaps you'll be feeling too overwhelmed to actually organise and sort through photos; could you just throw things into DreadPirate's car if she comes for you? Except make a list of the important stuff, like birth certs, passports, laptop and put it aside; the rest- like clothes, photos, toys -can just be thrown into a suitcase on the spot. I really don't think you're in any state to be thoroughly organised. Sod clean clothes. Just concentrate on the vitals then when the car comes run round grabbing like it's a fire or something; that's probably the best way to figure out what bits and bobs mean most to you!
I've been to collect a few women and frankly the stuff they've forgotten or left behind has never bothered them as I'm still in touch with all of them many years later. They're just bloody glad they left, as it was the mental effort to leave that was more difficult than the physical effort. And they're now having a whale of a time BTW

Stars - I'm gald I have my own office at work as I have tears in my eyes. They are tears of sadness that H can have done all this to you (and your children) but they are also tears of hope that today might be the day and that I will be able to come onto MN this evening and not have to keep on checking this thread, hoping that you're still OK. Today is the BEST time for your children. It will give them the most chance of getting settled in time for school in the summer.

Packing - critical lists have already been put down. As you have time on your side, once you have these things together, you might want to go into each room and say to yourself 'what is the one (or two) things that are in this room that I would really want to keep/is irreplaceable/means the most to me.' It could be a painting from when the dcs were small, or a pair of shoes, or something with a happy memory attached, or even a favourite mug.

Then you can pick the children up and go.

Count me in with the cheerleading (although I might be wearing something a little less revealing than that worn by BallonSlayer ).

Have a very un MN (((((((stars)))))))

You don't think you're strong? But it's through being scared and doing it anyway that shows strength. Doing something that you're not scared of doesn't show courage. It's clearly not that much of an issue.
YOU CAN MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER!
Good luck.
Come and visit us on here and tell us how you're doing.

Another cheerleader for you here stars

I can't tell you how my heart lifted to see you say 'I know I'm going it's just a question of when'

Definitely take the laptop, and remember to grab one of your husband's bank statements or payslips if you can.

You are making the choices now not just reacting to your H. Stay strong, we are all here for you.

Dandylion.. I had a similar experience. I thought the friend was being a little harsh and unsympathetic at the time, but boy was he right. He said I'd been unhappy and moaning about DP for ages, and he wasn't prepared to listen to me anymore unless I sorted it out. Did I want to leave? Yes? OK, when? And he got his diary out and we agreed a date by which I'd have the conversation with DP.
It created a major shift in my attitude, so I stopped drifting along in a relationship that was over.

stars I can now be got at [email protected] if you need me

I'm here joining the cheerleading squad too - and I bet I've got waaaaay more cellulite than BalloonSlayer, and I'd definitely better not be top of the pyramid!

You are right on the edge of the unknown, and I'm sure that everyone here understands just how scary that must be. But if you weigh up the fears you have of staying with your H - fears for yourself and for your children - they are far greater, aren't they?

So phone DreadPirate and ask her over for a coffee. Just that - and take things as they come when she arrives. You might find that having another adult actually there supporting you will make you able to take that first step into the unknown.

You are a strong, special person, worthy of all the good things in life - kindness, respect, support and love. Just remember that, love.

{{{hug}}}

Stars, I have been following your thread (like so many others). Just wanted to wish you strength with all this.

Many years ago, I helped a friend move out of her flat. She had two and a half hours warning from a hospital that her ex-partner was on his way back.

Between us we moved ALL her things out of that flat before he got back.

Admittedly, it was only her things but I just wanted to post this to show you that ity does not take long (if you have help) to rush around and grab things.

We did just literally chuck things into the car so didn't waste time with packing and she, obviously, had no time to plan.

If you have help, you could be out of the door in hours too. Use the list to start locating anything that is a must and anything else you take is a bonus.

Take all the photos you can get your hands on AND the camera, address books, jewellery, cash cards (use them staright away and open your own account).

Good luck x

{wanders off to find her pompoms}

Message withdrawn

Sending you some very unMN (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and some very un-cheese-like love (too sentimental by half!)

I'm no good with pom-poms but that's me on the sidelines pumping my arm in the air wildly and shouting 'wooo-hooo, you go, girl' for encouragement.

Stars - Can you let us know you're OK today please? If H is around and you can't find time to post, just text me quickly? I sent you a lightly-coded email this morning in case he's over your shoulder. Do you need me to mail you my number again? I'm just nipping out for half an hour but will be checking in later...

Go Stars Go Stars!!!!!! ( in a cheerleading stylie!!)

Oh and Stars - read what Buda said higher up - she's making a lot of sense

Fingers crossed that you are so busy packing that you have no time to post.

Just treat it as "having a few days break with the children" then take it from there. Tell the children that you're having a short break.

Am getting worried.

Hoping we hear something soon

DreadPirate - heard anything at all??