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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
clam · 02/04/2009 21:37

It's a big step. And actually, I don't think she's quite ready to take it.

Something else needs to happen to force the issue. But I'm worried as to what that might be.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 21:44

Clam - I think she is ready, it feels like it's down to weeks away rather than months or years, but really want to get it down to days or hours...

clam · 02/04/2009 21:47

Well, you probably know more than me - you've been in direct contact, haven't you? I hope you're right. It's just what she said about being sorry earlier, and that "we" might be angry with her. As if she was preparing to tell us she'd changed her mind.

BabyBump2B · 02/04/2009 21:58

Stars - stay strong and make a move to do this now. You said he'd never hurt your DCs but you also said he'd never hit you - maybe push or grab your arm and he's hit you in the head with a cupboard - he is going to get worse not better.

PLEASE - do NOT say a word to him (why give him a chance to react badly), take your beloved children and GO. This is only going to escalate and I am terrified for you.

You CAN do this - you can and you have all of us behind you!

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 22:04

Clam - I'm mostly going from posts tbh - last night she said something like 'when people ask me why I left I'll say a loaf of bread and a pint of milk'. I really liked that 'when'

screamingabdab · 02/04/2009 22:20

stars I have been watching this thread. Sending you good thoughts and encouragement. You sound like a lovely lady.
You deserve better than this life.

Stayingsunnygirl · 02/04/2009 22:25

I'll be back here in the morning to hear that you are ok, stars. I don't often pray these days, but will be praying for you, and sending you loving and strengthening thoughts.

TheDreadPirate - you are a star too. I am resting a little easier knowing that stars has you nearby, ready with a listening ear and practical help. You are doing a truly wonderful thing.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 22:27

but only if she'll let me

StayFrosty · 02/04/2009 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 02/04/2009 22:45

he's obsessing about his money now? Does he have an inkling that you need money to escape? It's getting more worrying now.......see alot of my ex in him! Alot.

Flibbertyjibbet · 02/04/2009 22:59

On the subject of money, who gets the child benefit? I was always told that Tax Credits is paid into the account of the MAIN CARER and in fact it says that on the applications. So if its going into his account and he is all controlling over money too referring to it as 'his money' that he works for...
He is spending it all in the pub when it should come to you.

Thedreadpiraterabbits - I am tempted to paypal you some petrol money so you can just go and get her out of there.

My ex was controlling and abusive. When you are used to being with someone controlling you don't even realise that you become incapable of making decisions for yourself. You are either waiting for them to approve it (ie I asked him if he wanted me to leave and Stars you are thinking you can tell him you are leaving hoping he will 'let' you go), or your motivation to do anything had been squashed by this idiot repeatedly telling you that you can't do anything right.

I tell you now if someone had come to my house when I first realised I should go, and taken control of the process of getting me out, I'd have gone a year earlier.

Its Friday tomorrow Stars, if you want to you can make this the last evening you ever have to spend worrying that he will come downstairs or listening for his snoring so that you can breathe.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 23:04

Flibberty - it's diesel and the car's full already! Just need an address and a spot of permission...

Niftyblue · 02/04/2009 23:08

I have been following this from the beginning BUT never posted

Its time to leave ...

You can`t carry on like this

Take Care

Flibbertyjibbet · 02/04/2009 23:19

Did you see that from thedreadpirate starsnstripes?

There is someone to hold your hand as you go out that front door for the last time and I promise you, you'll never look back.

It can all be taken care of for you. 9.30 till 3 tomorrow till you have to take pick the kids up.

Plenty of time to put some papers clothes and toys in bags and be gone.

OR if you really aren't ready to go, invite dreadpirate down for a coffee and a chat as you so need someone to talk to face to face and maybe have a good cry on.

I am getting worried now as you have usually come back online by now after the snoring starts.

i also gave the wrong email the other night as we recently changed provider its [email protected]

NotPlayingAnyMore · 02/04/2009 23:22

I know we may sound cross but we're not - all of us are just thinking of you and your DCs, hoping and praying that you'll have the strength to take the chance of a new life tomorrow

PlumpChocEggyBaps · 02/04/2009 23:26

Like Nifty, I've been following this thread. Please, stars, go now.

Will be checking back to see how things are going.

peasoup · 02/04/2009 23:51

Stars I'm afraid to say you will NOT get things straight in your head UNTIL you've actually left. DO NOT wait until you've "got things straight in your head", "sorted your head out", etc. as this is NOT going to happen. It is not possible to get your head straight while living in fear. You will be feeling confused and you will not be able to think clearly; this is how it is when you are living on a knife edge. Hanging around for longer isn't going to clear your head; don't bother waiting.
YOu can get your head clear when you're gone from him.
Don't feel bad about leaving him without telling him; you do know how ridiculous that is, don't you?

bellabelly · 02/04/2009 23:53

Have been following this thread and just wanted to wish you strength and courage. If you feel scared by the thought of leaving that is only natural but from what you have posted I am sure it is the right thing to do - and I do not say that lightly.

Flibbertyjibbet · 03/04/2009 00:01

Its well past my bedtime but I've kept checking back to see if any update.

Stars if you pop on later I hope you didn't have a shit evening and I'll be thinking of you and willing you on all day tomorrow even though I won't be able to get online much.

However, if you don't go tomorrow then don't be worried to come back and post, we won't bite, we'll just help you to keep working towards your new life and the steps you need to take.

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 03/04/2009 00:15

I'm off to bed too.

Stars I hope this evening hasn't been too awful.

Please keep posting tomorrow, no-one here is angry with you, just wanting to offer you the support you need to leave.

Bread and milk

Original poster
starsnstripes · 03/04/2009 00:31

Hi,I went upstairs for a bit until he was in bed and have just come down and logged on.

I keep thinking of what things I would need to take with me.
I have started a list and will post it on here once I have finished it so as I don't have anything lying around he could find.

Have been in tears quite a bit tonight mainly to do with my parents and my children.
Also the fact that so many strangers on here are supporting me and have never met me is unbelievable.
I feel I am letting you all down when I keep dithering about what to do.
It seems so unreal sometimes.
I have read and re read this thread so many times and can't quite believe this is about me,my life.

Silly things like catching up with the washing so we have clean clothes to take and sorting through the photograghs to make sure I have some with me.

I do know I have made my mind up to go it's just when and how.

Thanks again everyone for your support,only hope I can live up to the strong woman you think I am.
I doubted that tonight for awhile when I was sobbing and for a split second thought maybe he is right ,I am falling apart and need help.

OP posts:
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 03/04/2009 00:46

Whatever you decide to do you are not letting us down. You are strong, you just need to use your strength to make yourself a new life, rather than using it to make yourself endure a life that you and your children shouldn't have to cope with.
But much as all your friends on Mumsnet would like you to get away from this man who is sapping your confidence in yourself, you need to do it for you and your children and not for us.
Don't doubt yourself.
Your posts on this forum prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that you are sane, rational and strong.
Don't allow your H to shake your faith in yourself.
He is an alcoholic. You cannot and need not trust his judgement on anything - least of all your mental state and capabilities.
You HAVE to get away from him in order to see yourself as you truly are. He is holding up a distorting mirror and trying to convince you the reflection you see is real.
It isn't.

ScottishThistle · 03/04/2009 00:47

Stars, you are only falling apart because he is wearing you down!

Get out of there tomorrow, don't think too much about taking belongings. A suitcase of clothes for you and the children and several of your most treasured items/childrens fave toys.

You are a very strong woman, most woman in your situation would be too scared to be posting on here whilst their abusive husband was in the house!

PS. Don't forget your CD's! x

Ozziegirly · 03/04/2009 03:56

I have been following this thread, and really feel for you.

You're probably finding it hard to imagine the practicalities of leaving, and also how it will be for you emotionally, it probably seems like a huge wrench, and you're probably thinking "but I'm not the kind of person who would end up in a refuge!".

If you can, try to not think about the bad things about leaving. Focus on the positives. Imagine feeling totally free. You can go where you like. Go on holiday if you fancy it, and not have sulky silences or that feeling of dread that he will snap. Even just reclaiming your evenings to do whatever you like with your children, without worrying about the state he will be in. Go to the park with them or snuggle on the sofa watching a film without his lingering brooding presence.

No one to blame you for things that patently aren't your fault. No one to find fault with you.

I imagine it is hard to leave. You've probably got used to being in a couple - maybe he's in charge of the money or the bills, and it becomes daunting to think of doing those things by yourself.

But you know, you are stronger than you think. Women are strong and can overcome so much.

Just stop to think for one moment - this time tomorrow I could be free. I could never have to feel this level of anxiety and fear again.

Imagine in a couple of weeks taking your children to the seaside, running along the beach with them and shouting "I'm FREE".

Good luck.

Niftyblue · 03/04/2009 07:53

How are you today?

You are strong and you can do it

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