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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsnstripes · 02/04/2009 12:00

have e mailed you dreadpirate-

Got through to womans aid and the lady I spoke to is'nt there today so she said to call back rahther than going all through my story again.

Just spoke to the council again and the lady said they could help with orgainsing private accomadation and help with sorting out benefits.
They have a property at the moment available near my sister.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 12:00

And please email me! Want to help...

Original poster
starsnstripes · 02/04/2009 12:03

sorry x posts,am just on the phone will be back on later.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 02/04/2009 12:06

do you see this as your chance stars?? Think we all do!! You have it all lined up now..........so come on, what's the plan for today?? Is that property yours? Is it available? Can you secure it whilst you escape?

NeedCoffee · 02/04/2009 12:07

thats great news about a property being available close to your parents

See...already your new life is starting to shine through the murky fog...you can do it

mistlethrush · 02/04/2009 12:10

Stars - do you truely believe that your H or your FiL will sign paperwork confirming that you are homeless to let you go into a Council House near your sister? Of course not - certainly from the pov of your H - you would be moving away from his control - he's not going to let you get away that easily - who else is there that he has under his thumb that he can threaten and make miserable so easily? Sorry if this is harsh - but from everything that you have told us about your H, this is not a realistic scenario.

Is the lady in Women's Aid tomorrow. You really do need to talk to someone before the weekend and tell them how long that this has been going on for, and the level of threats you have had to put up with over the years. With the changes he has noticed in you over the last week and a bit, I really worry for you if you are still going to be around over the weekend.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 12:15

Stars - I'm so stupid! It's dot com not dot co dot uk - can you mail me again please?

[Dim, dizzy etc emoticon]

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 12:17

Mistlethrush - re paperwork, I don't believe this is an issue. The council will have a DV policy in place, and won't see someone fleeing abuse as someone who has made herself deliberately homeless. H and FIL won't come into it.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 02/04/2009 12:18

The house is actually to rent privately.
They said they deal with this landlord all the time and they have numerous properties on their books.

I suspose I would have to tell H that is what I want to do and hope he would allow me to do it,silly I know.
He would not want me to take the children though.

dreadpirate-did you get my e mail ,hope I sent it to the right address.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 12:19

No - I gave you the wrong address (stupid stupid) - it's .com not .co.uk... Please mail me back?

GypsyMoth · 02/04/2009 12:21

No stars, you tell h NOTHING! Just go.. You will get housing benefit for the house.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 12:21

And re H 'letting' you take the children - I really do think you should be involved with Womens Aid when you go. He's a drunken bully, and any chance you have to prevent him from having custody or control of the children is to their benefit...

mistlethrush · 02/04/2009 12:26

Stars, you do all of the childcare at the moment. He is not fit to do it - he couldn't even read a story he was so drunk. You need to take the children out of this poisonous atmosphere where alcohol is the accepted norm...

theDreadPirateRabbits · 02/04/2009 12:34

I've mailed you!

Katisha · 02/04/2009 12:41

Oh dear...

Of course he isn't going to "allow" you to do it...

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 02/04/2009 12:57

Stars: you can't leave the children with him, he will neglect them badly at the very best and is exactly the sort of man who might (and I am really sorry to say this but it is true) kill them to punish you for leaving.
You do not need his PERMISSION to leave and take the children. He is not your owner. He is a piece of shit and no one else is prepared to allow him to continue mistreating you and the DC. Men like him frequently insist that everyone else will support them in their abuse because men are entitled to control and punish women - thing is, only abusers think like this and everyone else thinks abusers are scum.
He has no rights over you or the DC, what rights he has as a father he has now forfeited because of his alcoholism and abuse.

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 02/04/2009 13:04

Stars you don't need his permission - what will you do when he refuses it, which he will? Then he will know that you want to leave and be watching your every move.

You are not his property, you can walk out of the door and take your children with you and there is nothing he can do (legally) to stop you.

amidaiwish · 02/04/2009 13:21

Stars, i do think you need to think about how far you are going to let this go before you actually leave. we can't make you leave from over the internet but consistently you have everyone, many of who have been through what you're going through, all telling you to leave now.

it sounds like you're trying to go down a semi-amicable/agreed route with him. This is not going to happen.

this is a man who is abusive and an alcoholic.
he treats you like a piece of shit. consistently. over years and years.
he can't even read his children a bedtime story.

i had my message deleted yesterday as i felt it wasn't helpful to you, but my friend was killed by her partner. he's now in jail and her two children adopted.
the statistics are scary. it does happen.

please get out of there. the warning signs are present and strong. he has threatened to cut your throat fgs. he has threatened you with "see what i'll do" "i'll have the children" etc... he isn't going to just let you take them. He is an abusive alcoholic.
Go. Tomorrow.

amidaiwish · 02/04/2009 13:21

if not today.

SerendipitousHarlot · 02/04/2009 13:37

stars, like Balloonslayer I feel like you're backtracking.. he has made you think that he wants to spend some time together over Easter to soften you up. When in actual fact, it's more likely that he'll spend most of his spare time in the pub.

He can sense that you're planning something imo - or sense that you're making decisions about your future, and he is trying to fool you into thinking that he's turning over a new leaf.

I, for one, don't believe a word of it.

Please, please, just go.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 02/04/2009 13:39

Stars, that's two of us who have had friends who were killed by their partners. amidaiswish is right, the warning signs are there and they are strong. No one thinks it is going to happen to them.

DO NOT ask his permission, DO NOT even inform him of your plans.

Please leave tomorrow. You are never going to feel ready to do it. You just have to do it. It isn't going to get any better, he is an abusive alcoholic and you can't put his needs before the children's and yours.

We are here for you. Keep talking...

grumblinalong · 02/04/2009 13:43

I've followed this thread but never posted but I'm starting to be really concerned for your safety and that of your children.

I work quite closely with social services and some of the phrases you have been using are ringing huge alarm bells for me because I recognise them.

Please involve Womens Aid and try to leave as soon as humanly possible. They protect women and you are certainly deserving of protection.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunchie · 02/04/2009 13:47

I have just read this thread and am so and on your behalf.

Please leave.

Please don't tell him anything! (When was the last time he shared his plans with you?)

Please protect yourself and the children as a priority

Look at it like this:-

1. You don't tell him - worst case scenario you are overreacting (which you're not BTW) and can sort out a more amicable arrangement later.

2. You tell him - worst case scenario he gets angry and hurts either you or the children and there is no coming back from it.

All you have to do is look at the worst case scenarios. The only way to guarantee your safety and that of your dcs is to get out quietly without him knowing. Please make sure you guarantee it.

grumblinalong · 02/04/2009 14:04

Also can I just point out that the weekend is approaching. Does your DH drink more at the weekend, spend longer in the pub etc?

Have you got access to some money? If you have I would settle yourself these little challenges, take it one at a time:
1.Withdraw some cash
2.Look on net for hotel/B&B
3.Book the hotel/B&B
4.Pack clothes
5.Pick children up from school
6.Get on bus/train
7.Arrive at hotel/B&B

  1. Contact women's aid and housing office on monday morning.

If you achieve the first, try the second. Don't look at it as 'leaving', just a set of challenges that you can try to achieve. Each challenge you win can spur you on to the try to win the next challenge.

I hope you don't find this patronising. That's not my intention at all. I just know that anxiety can make things feel insurmountable but if you break it down into smaller actions it's easier to do.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 02/04/2009 15:57

Stars - I must reiterate that after staying with him, the second most dangerous thing (IMVHO) is to tell him you're leaving.

To him, knowledge is power over you and this is why you must say nothing either beforehand or at the time and must just leg it, with the children.

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