To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Stars, I have issues with anxiety myself, so hope I can empathise a bit. Are you feeling paralysed? Sometimes if the pressure or expectation is too much for me, I just feel frozen, and 'rabbit in the headlights', IFYSWIM.

Maybe look at it another way - what would you like to happen? Take the expectations away? You don't have to sort everything out straightaway. One step at a time, don't think beyond that and before you know it, it's all fallen into place. You've got real life support - can you use that to help you move forward?

If you stay where you are then you will never be emotionally stable enough. Its your current situation that is ruining your emotional stability.

You do have plans, you are packing some essential items to take to your sisters and you are going on Friday. Look on it as if you are just going away overnight and take a few changes of clothes and favourite toys.

You feel a need to have plans and know things in advance because thats exactly what you don't have at home. Its your brains way of finding some small part of your life that YOU are in control of. When I was in the last 12 months with my ex I was teetotal vegetarian. I'll never forget the 2nd night after I left him I decided I was going to a steak house, ate a few cows and got completely pissed! Because after I took control back of the larger picture of my life, I didn't need to be so control freaky over little things.

Do you really think your emotional state will improve if you stay any longer? THen next time you are on a thread like this your subconscious will be telling you that you can't do it because you couldn't do it this time.

I also have to go to bed now but will pop in tomorrow to see how you are doing.

Sometimes I worry that I am almost bullying you into going. But really all I'm trying to do is give you that push.

When you get up tomorrow make a list of all the things you need to get out of the house, forget furniture etc, just the absolute essentials. Then work your way through the list. I know someone who only managed to hide a bag of stuff in the garden before she left, and got someone to go back at night and pick it up.

I am sure that if you go, you can get a police or some other kind of official to escort you back to the house to collect more stuff later on.

Can you cat any of us with your location etc? Or maybe you can click on the COntact Mumsnet HQ button and ask them to forward details to some of the posters on here who've said they live near you if you don't have a cat subscription.
I'm sure they will have noticed this thread, maybe they will bend the rules for you?

Hi stars,

I have a confession to make, that I am a teenage DD (my mum comes here usually and doesn't know I'm posting this ). Please do not shoot me mums for sabotaging this thread
Although I do not have the life experience of other Mumsnetters, there are some things I wanted to say. I hope I don't sound too 'weird' (struggling to think of a better word)...

I think you haven't got a set date planned to move out.
I think maybe you're thinking of your children, and not wanting to move them out of the home they were born in.
And you want to let them 'enjoy' life for a bit longer before you take them to a 'refuge', therefore somehow bursting the bubble they've been living in (does that make sense?)

The younger your DCs are, the easier transition. Any move is scary (I remember the first day of summer camp I used to be nervous), but you will be there for them, so they'll be OK.
The start of the school holidays is a great time for the change, because it will be harder for them nearer the start of term is nearer and you have to think of the term ahead on top of everything.

I think the thing holding you back are your concerns about your children, rather than 'not feeling ready yet'.

My mum took me abroad back to her country for several months when my parents were not getting along. I think I was the same age your DS is now. I didn't know what was going on, it was a big change (I didn't have familiar toys with me), but I had family members all around me, and it turned out to be some of my best memories were at that time (now thinking back).
I think one thing I can say is to explain a little about what is going on to your DCs. One mistake my mum made was not explaining anything to me.

Sending you lots of love and approval from someone else's DD that what you are doing is the best for your children for the long term. Their formative years are so important for them to have a happy mummy.

Better go now as my mum is nagging me to go to bed (after midnight). Sorry this post is long.

xxxxx

I wanted to add, really sorry if I broke any Mumsnet rules. I would be really if I came back here tomorrow morning with a load of posts saying "This forum is only for mums!"

Stars, you're in my thoughts all the time, You CAN do this, you really can. I agree that if you wait until you feel emotionally ready, you will never leave. Nobody could expect to be emotionally stable living the life your H is inflicting on you, it's just impossible.

I won't be able to post for a day or so now because I will be in hospital, but I willbe thinking about you and hoping you and your children are safe.

Take carexx

Chronicles, a very thoughtful and insightful post from you there. You are wise beyond your years, IMO, and your mum has clearly done a good job with you.

But with my own mum hat on, do you really want to be on MN, sweetie, reading some of this dark, dark stuff at a time in your life which should be forward-looking and relatively trouble free??

It's up to you, of course, but do remember most of family life is not like this, or we wouldn't all be doing it so enthusiastically. xx

Stars, I'm thinking of you this morning. All I can say is, if you don't feel strong enough, lean on us. As others have said, if you wait until you're ready, you'll never leave. Please, trust us. I know it's a leap of faith, please have faith in yourself and us. You are a strong woman - no matter what has happened, you've still bared your soul on MN and asked again and again for help. Don't see that as a failure, don't look back and say, 'oh, I couldn't then and I can't now'. See a woman who knows deep down she deserves better, and is prepared to keep hoping.

Today is the day. No more hoping and dreaming, today is YOUR day.

Sending you good thoughts!

Stars, if you talk to the Women's Aid woman today, please tell her about your anxiety about making the move, about the agoraphobia you used to suffer from.

I am getting an awful feeling that you are not going to leave.

With the right support - and this needs to be from Women's Aid - you CAN do it.

Please, please, tell her everything.

Thinking of you today Stars, and sending positive thoughts...

Stars, when will you get a better opportunity? Think about it. When? Everything is perfect for Friday. You have packed a few things, you have a lot of people willing you on and thinking of you, it's the start of the school holidays giving you two weeks to settle... It really is the perfect time. Believe the others when they say if you don't feel ready on Friday you never will, because it's true. From reading all your posts, I believe you're emotionally stable and strong and you CAN do it. Think of your mum and dad and what they'd want you to do, and be strong for them too. (Sorry if that is an emotional punch below the belt.)

One step at a time. Today, please ring Woman's Aid. I believe it will really help to speak to someone in RL about all your concerns and fears.

Morning Stars - I hope you're phoning Womens Aid now! Looking through one of your threads, I see that you're in Norfolk - me too! We may be closer than I thought... How can I help? Mail me on thedreadpirateofmn at googlemail dot co dot uk. If you're worried about getting in touch with an anonymous someone on the internet, then either BitofFun (currently BitofFunnyBunny) or Hecate (HecatetheEasterBunny) have mailed me on a personalised email before, and can vouch for me having a real name and phone number, being searchable on the internet as a real person etc.

Shall be checking in here all morning - hope you're doing well

I'm suspicious curious as to why on earth he would want to take time off to spend with the family if he is so clearly irritated by you all.

Morning stars

After my DS and DH, you are the first person I thought of this morning.
Be strong, you CAN leave him. Imagine that in 48 hours you could wake up in a refuge with your DCs without him and not need to worry whether he will drink that day.

Keep posting, let us help you.

Me too, Alibaba. Stars, I hope that you slept well and that this morning will be the one you look back on and say 'that's when I changed my life and my children's lives for the better' - because that's what you'll be doing.

{{{hugs}}}

PS - I am just wishing I was closer to you (Scotland's not that close to Norfolk, sadly) because I'd be there whenever you wanted me, with a big car ready to be filled with whatever you wanted, to take wherever you want.

Thanks everyone ,you are all being wonderful.

Am feeling a bit numb today.
Been trying to get throgh to womans aid but the line is busy at the moment.

I just want to ask them a few questions to get everything straight in my head.
Am really nervous though.

dreadpirate-will e mail you.

Sorry,meant to say will answer everyones posts later when my head is a bit more together.
It is much appreciated.

I'm waiting by my email with bated breath!

Another panic/nerves tip (feel free to shut me up!) - that nervous feeling is just an adrenaline rush - it could just as easily be excitement, think about it!

Keeping everything crossed, hope the phone line frees up soon!

Did you get through yet Stars?

I can vouch for DreadPirate love- hope you're ok x

me too, TDPR is indeed not a hairy handed trucker called Dave.

I've been feeling a bit nervous on your behalf, stars, about the fact so many of us are encouraging you/supporting you to leave. Some might argue that we're just cyber-beings who shouldn't have such an influence on your real-life, when you are the one who has to deal with the consequences.

BUT, I've been skimming through the links above to all your previous posts and there are 2 or 3 years' worth of very similar stories. The difference is that, whilst the early posts had your H apologising after being nasty, and acknowledging his unpleasantness, nowadays he doesn't seem to. Which indicates that he's getting worse.

I can see that you're feeling understandably wobbly about it all now, when you're a few steps away from acting. So ask yourself this: do you still want to be posting like this in 2 years' time? Only with worse stories. He's not going to stop drinking, or suddenly start treating you with respect. He doesn't even acknowledge he has a problem with alcohol, so why would he change?

And PLEASE, PLEASE don't allow your DS to continue making critical comments (as he has heard his father) about your house-keeping skills. Nip that right in the bud!

I have read this thread, and some of the links. I am veering between feeling tearful and my blood running cold.

This man is controlling, he is trying to undermine you and he's an alcoholic.

He's not a nice man or a good dad. Good dads don't dodge out of parents evenings or threaten to slit 'mums' throat.

This has been going on for years and years, I am praying that you find the courage to leave this man.

Stuff can be replaced, you can't. And it would be more damaging for your kids to see you hurt/broken down than to spend a few months in a refuge.

Also, when he's broken you and your kids are older he'll start on them. When they are teenagers he'll make their lives a misery. In my former professional capacity I've seen it many times. Once the wife is under 'control' the teenagers are next.