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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 01/04/2009 22:17

Still thinking about you, stars.

{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

Casserole · 01/04/2009 22:20

Please go. Please, please, go.

I don't think you'll ever feel totally ready in your head. It's too big a decision for that. Like we never feel 100% ready to get married, or to have babies, it's so big and lifechanging that there's always, always a seed of doubt and intimidation and the thought of the unknown ahead.

But you WILL be ok. You really will. So many women have gone before you and come out the other side so much happier.

PLEASE listen to what you're being told.

I'm in Hertfordshire. If I can help, then mail me: casserole dot mumsnet at gmail dot com. I would gladly give you practical help or some house stuff if you needed.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 22:44

thanks everyone for all oyur kind offers of help.
I have just been reading another thread i started and noticed I had changed DS to DD so he did not recognise my post if he read it.

Apoligies in advance for his use of an offensive word.

The nickname was

RAINYDAYWOMAN

(sorry dreadpirate,am keeping you busy)

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 22:51

blaming for DS SN

'tis my pleasure. Stars and Stripes forever!

Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 23:01

Sorry yet another

MISTYMOON

dreadpirate-thanks,am noticing thepattern emerging,could it be drinking?

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 23:06

drinking every night and unreachable

Think you could be right!

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 01/04/2009 23:11

Stars I am pretty stunned by the sheer number of incidents. The fact that you are still strong for your children and are able to find joy in your life - your kids and music, it shouts loud and clear - despite all that your H has put you through shows that you are an amazingly strong woman.

I understand your hesitancy to go - but if you can't take the actual step to leave just yet then take the steps with the paperwork, the clothes and toys and bits before the holidays so that things are in place and ready.
Do you keep your summer clothes seperate - if so then you could ship all of those out to your sister without anything being visibly missing.

I'm sensing that you are clinging a little to the material things. I don't intend that as a criticism at all, it's very understandable that you should find your security in the things in your home when your husband has been so deficient in providing it for you emotionally.
Take some things out of the house, see them in a new environment - perhaps it will help you to visualise you and your children leaving too?

Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 23:12

Hopefully the last one

DAYINDAYOUT

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 23:16

would rather be drinking than bring home some shopping

Sounds familiar...

Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 23:20

thanks again dreadpirtae,think that was the last of them.

x posts-sorry alibaba-I am stunned at the number of threads myself.
Also at the dates I posted them and how long this has been going on.
Of course before the children and before I joined mumsnet there is a lot more and worse than this that is ingrained somewhere in my mind.

WHY I allowed it to happen for so long,I don't know.

Maybe the fact I met H shortly after leaving another relationship in which I was due to marry this guy and I cancelled the wedding.
I know realise all these years later what a mistake that was and the biggest regret of my life.

Bereavements probably played a part,not wanting to be alone.
Also that this is what I deserved after badly hurting this other guy and this marriage was my punishment for not marrying before.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 01/04/2009 23:21

stars.........you can get your head round it when you've actually gone! I had an army welfare officer look me in the eye and tell me he had never seen such a bad case of dv, he told me I had to go. They knew the history, but having someone actually stand there and validate it all was a bit of a leveller. So I just took the bull by the horns and went. Think that's what you need........a bit of a push. Is there someone you know who can to e that push, someone who knows you both and can see the damage?

mistlethrush · 01/04/2009 23:22

Stars - I was following one of your earlier threads when you were posting. HOwever, it didn't make me quite so worried as this one. I really thing that you should be listening to recent posts. I know that Friday seems near. However, I am very concened that your H is suggesting that he should have some time off over the holidays - but you also have the Easter Hols anyway - can you really cope with 4 days or more with him at home - or even another weekend?

Please please please ask womens aid about leaving on Friday at the latest. That would give you two weeks to get a bit settled before having to sort schools out.

I really worry about you.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 23:23

dreadpirate-that last one made me smile-shopping seems to be a problem for him!!!

I have gone full circle.

To think this thread just started out being about bread and milk.
Maybe when people ask me in years to come what fianally made you leave I can say "bread and milk"

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 01/04/2009 23:24

And a lot of people wishing you well and willing you onwards and upwards

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 01/04/2009 23:27

Oh stars you mustn't think like that. No matter what you have done that you may regret, no-one deserves to be treated the way that your H is treating you.

You deserve to be happy, and to be able to bring your children up to be happy, stable individuals capable of a loving relationship of their own once they are grown up. I have no doubt that YOU can achieve all that but your H will just sabotage your efforts for as long as you remain with him.

Flibbertyjibbet · 01/04/2009 23:29

Bread and Milk
bread and milk BREAD AND MILK

Its nearly Friday. Once its done you are gone and you can sort everything out. All you have to think is that if Friday is the day, you have only one more evening to wonder what time he is coming home.

Keep focussing on that. On Friday you will not have to wonder what time he is coming home or in what state.

On Saturday you can spend the day how you please with the children and not spend one minute walking on eggshells.

Friday is bread and milk day!

I have been reading some of the other threads about it and you keep saying 'I am not easy to live with'. I used to say that about myself too... but really it was the ex who was impossible to live with and blamed me.

dittany · 01/04/2009 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 23:32

Looking forward to hearing some more positive thoughts from you tomorrow Stars

Off to bed now, but will check in in the morning.

xx

Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 23:32

x posts-there is'nt really anyone who sees us both on regular basis to help.
My sister knows some of this and in fact when I was talking to her the other day and opening up about it I think she was quite stunned by some of it and how long it had been going on.
She kept saying you have been marvellous and she also said you know if dad was still alive he would never have stood for you being treated in this way.
Am now in floods of tears writing that .
My dad was a mild mannered man but he would have gone mad.
She kept saying our mum would be looking down on me and watching over me.

I am not emotionally stable to do this yet.
My problem is I over think everything and like to have plans and know what I am doing ahead of time.
Hence where my anxiety issues come from.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 01/04/2009 23:37

Stars I need to go to bed now, but I'll be looking for your post to say that you've spoken to Woman's Aid tomorrow morning.

Tell them everything, your anxieties, how you worry about the future, your need to plan etc etc and they will help you get the stability you need to leave. Ring them every day until you leave if you think it will help you deal with your anxiety.

ScottishThistle · 01/04/2009 23:38

Sending you more strength Stars!

Sleep well {{{wee cuddle}}}

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2009 23:38

Stars.......you are strong enough,you have to be, for your sanity and your DC!

My brother and sil were horrified when they found out( kept it from everyone in the family for well over ten years) but my parents were livid! My dad still is! They couldn't believe it, still to this day they are horrified. You can do it. You've done enough thinking, time for action now....

theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 23:40

Stars - don't worry about emotional stability - you'll get that when you leave him. Maybe not straight away, but can you just picture snuggling up with your DCs for 2 weeks, confident that he can't find you? That he won't be able to talk to you unless and until you decide that you're willing to talk to him? And where he'll have to stay sober if he wants to spend time with his kids?

Plan is - get free. Have time with DCs, get DS's needs met. Take some deep breaths. Learn to respect yourself again.

Is that enough of a plan?

dittany · 01/04/2009 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 23:42

Really have got to go to bed now, but shall be back to nag encourage you in the morning

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