To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

dreadpirate-have found these 2 so far
,thanks.

WONDERER
ALONEANDSAD

Am still planning ahead,have not changed my mind.
This searching of old threads is a life saver and a real wake up call for me.
(H said I needed a wake up call,this is it)

Only not in the way he had hoped for.

stars it could be that just maybe getting out now will save your DCs releationship with thier father.

By the time my Mum finally kicked my abusive, violent, often drunk, slob of a father out when we were all teenagers, none of us wanted anything to do with him anymore and I now haven't seen him for 10 years.

If you get out now before they learn to hate him too then they may have a chance of having a relationship with him when they are older

Just wanted to let you know that if you are worried about internet access if you leave, you can always join the local library and use the computers for free.

Some libraries even have free wi-fi for your laptop.

Close to Breaking Point

H drinking again

What your leaving may prompt your H into doing is addressing his longstanding drink problem, so that he can be safe when he does get to see his kids again?

Of course the children will be able to see their father.
Going via the womens aid route does not in anyway make him lose access to his children. When people here say that the addresses are secret its so that he can't find you and drag you home or intimidate you in any way. Its to give you a place of refuge while you get your life together. He can still see the children and I am sure there will be procedures in place for that to happen in a way that he can't remove them
I also used to think that I 'couldn't do it to him'. and worry what he might think. I realised later that the only reason I worried about what he might have to say about it all is that I'd been used to giving way to him on everything and worrying about what he might think, for years.
Its time you worried about yourself for once.
I will put money on it (if I had any!) that WHEN you go, he will go beserk. When the initial demands for you to return don't work he may turn to weeping and grovelling and promising to change. All of his behaviour towards you is to control you - he won't be wanting you back because he loves you desperately, he'll want you back because a) you are out of his control and he isn't used to that, and b) you and the children not living with him anymore is the biggest public announcement there could be that he has been REJECTED and no man I've ever come across can process rejection when it happens to them.
You can sort out access and visits after you've gone. The last thing he will respond well to is 'I'd like a divorce, and we need to discuss access to the children' because he will go mental.
Far better that when divorce and you taking the children first come to his attention, you have already gone and can have any such discussions with the support of professionals who've helped lots of other women to do it too.

I hope that the children don't end up hateing me.

The library is a good idea although plan to take my laptop if I can get internet access.

thanks dreadpirate,really appreiciate this.
Am feeling rather embarrassed,have found some more.

DOWNHEARTED
HOLLYBUSH
ISHOULDHAVEKNOWNBETTER
ALLTHELEAVESAREBROWN
ISHEFORREAL

x posts flibbertyjibbert-makes sense what you are saying,I know it does deep down.
Just can't shake this sick feeling I have ,am so scared.

Stars, your children won't hate you for doing what's best for your family!

Be strong and keep talking!

H drinking June 07

Drunk after office party 06

ishouldhaveknownbetter - no results, maybe you posted in chat?

drink driving while DS ill

more drinking july 06

Hope this is helping you get your steam up to leave

stars your kids won't end up hating you!!

Kids are more perceptive that we think sometimes and they are probably sad that you are sad. When you are out of there and happy, they will be happier too

I promise you - as a grown up that was once one of those kids - your children love you and want you to be happy.

The only thing I ever wished when my Dad went - was that he had gone sooner because it was soooo much better! It was calmer, happier, more relaxed. In fact one of my happiest memories is each of us (I am 1 of 4) sat on the bus with Mum, each carrying a shopping bag from the supermarket cause Dad had taken the car and it was the only way to get there and back. I felt so helpful and responsible - the fact that it was a lot more difficult that going in the car didn't mean it was any less of an adventure for us.

I'm sure your kids will feel the same about the hostel - just look at it from the right point of view and it could be a wonderful new start to a happy life - think about how you make a table into a magical den and you're half way there

And the sick and scared feelings are a perfectly rational response to living with this vile man. Once you and the DCs are in a safe place, you will start to feel better again.

If it helps, I suffer from panic attacks too - they're always worse when you're trying to do something you want/need, aren't they? Your mind and body just want to shut down and stay still and quiet. So don't. Put on some loud music, jump up and down, shout - literally get yourself moving - and then see if you can channel that energy where you need it. I know, it's tough, things feel worse before they feel better. But one thing I've learned is that panic and anxiety are just fear of being afraid, and you can learn to stop that fear.

Oh, and you're not useless/stupid/whatever else you think you are. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself one nice thing you'd like to hear. Doesn't matter if you believe it's true or not, look yourself in the eyes and say it. Sounds like a cheap trick, maybe it is, but it can work wonders for your self-esteem.

Keep posting here though, we're all here if you need us!

SarahL2, sat hear with tears in my eyes at your post. I also have many very happy memories after Dad left even though my mum was skint working two jobs!

Don't get me wrong, I love my Dad. Just wish he'd left sooner, then I wouldn't have so many nasty memories.

{{{{{{{xxxxxxxx}}}}}}}

(I always swore I'd never do that mumsnetty cyber huggy thing but have made an exception today)

I think with me I was unhappy for a long time. then someone made a comment to me at work one day when I said dp had told me not to expect anything for my birthday.
The comment was 'blimey flibberty, is that your life at home?'
I stared at the man and something cracked inside me and I started weeping and couldn't stop for days. Dp hardly even noticed. Then I 'asked him if he wanted me to leave' (cos I was so scared of him I didn't dare say 'I'm leaving you, you twat'. Which is really pathetic isn't it, basically asking his permission to leave).
I didn't go straight away simply because I thought it was 'complicated' or 'what about my stuff'.
Once you've gone none of the stuff matters, because its all becomes part of that place you had to get away from.
When do the school holidays start for you, that would give you say a week to plan and then just do it on the first day. Say nothing to the children then when he's gone to work just run as fast as you can and tell the kids you are going on holiday or something.
What you have at the moment is all habit. You've been in that home for years and its familiar. You've been with dp for years and don't know any different. There is no affection or emotional ties anymore to him or the home.
I'm not trying to bully you into going before you are ready, just trying to give you the counter-arguments for any 'but I can'ts' that are running round your head at the moment.

Peemyselflaughing is spot on, stars - you are not stupid or useless or any of the other negative things that have been said to you. Even now, after everything he's done, you are still thinking about his relationship with his children - that just shows what a good person you are!

I know this mentions Leicester (where I am) but it is relevent to wherever you are too.

Do women have to stay in Leicester?
Not at all. We have links with over 300 refuges all over the country and can usually find you a place in the area you would like to go to.

Can women get support without coming to the refuge?
Certainly. We can arrange for you to meet with one of our outreach workers who will be able to support you in the community.

What happens when women leave the refuge?
We will still be there to help if you need us. You can join a support group, go on family outings and will be introduced to an outreach worker before you leave the refuge.

What do I have to bring with me?
These are a few things we suggest you bring, if you can:

Money
Clothes, for yourself and your children
Benefit books and any other important papers
Passport if you have one
Any medicines you or your children might need.
If, however, you are unable to bring any of these, do not worry. If you arrive with only the clothes on your back, we will be able to help.

I just wanted you to read the bit about the support they give you even if you aren't in the refuge.

Stars, having read a couple of your old threads , is agoraphobia playing the main part in stopping you leaving?

Or is that (hopefully) no longer such a problem?

I notice a lot of posts urging you to get the children and run - and I agree! - but is this advice that is making you more afraid?

If you are still suffering, have you mentioned it to the Women's Aid helper?

I've known women hire a van or get a friend to help with a van and take what they need while their abusive DH is at work. Do you have that option? Could you take stuff to your sister's to store then go on to the refuge with the few things you'll need for the next month or so. That way you wouldn't need to say goodbye to all your stuff, though frankly it would be worth losing it if it meant you got out safely.
Please try and do it all in one fell swoop while he is out at work; don't bother discussing divorce- you KNOW he'll go mad if you ask him for a divorce.
Don't worry what it'll do to him; he hasn't been bothered by what he does to you, has he?
He can have a relationship wioth the children once you're out and living eelsewhere. Do you have joint accounts; will yyou be able to get hold of money to take with you to see you through the next month or so?

As far as 'stuff' is concerned, I found I wanted a clean break, all new stuff!! You get grants to replace everything when you are fleeing dv so cutlery,towels,pans,tv,fridge ......the whole house, was replaced with a community care grant! Bear that in mind stars.

But Stars - I know you find music a support, so maybe put your desert island discs on the laptop?

Just wanted to add my email too as someone else you can contact anytime: chickenmama at hotmail dot co dot uk

Stars I do worry when we don't hear from you - I shall hope it's because you've left and don't have a connection at the moment.

Stars. I just read your thread and it broke my heart. Is there anyway you could set up an email address? If we had more info on your whereabouts etc we may all be able to offer you more help, but of course you wont want to post such details on teh forum.

Sending hugs.

Hi Stars, just read your whole thread and was so sorry to hear about the horrible times you have been having.

Hope you get the impulse to leave and soon. And wishing you lots of luck in your new life.

Just to put your OP in perspective, I just emailed my DH to ask if he could bring a loaf of bread, some butter and some nappies home with him and he replied 'OK, will do. Anything else? Wine? Treats?'

That's what you deserve, too.