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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 00:27

Thanks everyone for all your kind wishes and support.
Lots of good advice and tips to get me started.
I have so many questions going round in my head,will write them all down tomorrow when I can think a bit clearer.

On dreadpirates recommendation I just found my nickname history and found so many threads I had forgotten about,am almost scared to read them.
One from jan 07.

Will list the nicknames here if some kind person could do links that would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
CottageChicken · 01/04/2009 00:34

stars you can see for yourself that you need to leave. It's not a difficult decision hun - think of your children and if you want them turning out like him or subjected to his abuse when they're older and more stroppy.

Then is it really a question?

solidgoldbrass · 01/04/2009 00:41

Good luck stars. It may well help you to remember that there are, actually, a whole lot of online sprites wishing you strength and happiness and willing you to take those baby steps out of hell.

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 01/04/2009 08:25

How's that phone call coming on? Got your questions ready? If you've got too much going through your mind, just check back on here to remember what it was you wanted to ask.

mistlethrush · 01/04/2009 08:32

Stars, all these threads might make hard reading - but they are evidence that you should show to your solicitor and potentially doctor. Although its really sad that this has been going on for so long, at least you have some proof - consider it to be almost like a diary.

Lots of people are all sending positive thoughts to you today.

Babieseverywhere · 01/04/2009 08:56

I donated some stuff to my local womens refuge. It has self contained flats enough for 20 families. I nearly cried when I saw how much support there was for the ladies who need it.

It was just around christmas when I went and the staff were talking to me about all the plans for presents for children and how to best help the mums, what a wonderful place.

The one I visited was a new build, very discrete and had an electric gate to a private carpark and good double door security to a reception with staff/security 24 hours a day... No way a husband/partner could get in to hurt anyone. Without ringing ahead you can't even get into the car park plus there is no sign so noone locally would even know what it was it.

All the best Star and I hope you are able to take the advice of the other ladies on the thread, to keep yourself and your children safe

theDreadPirateRabbit · 01/04/2009 09:15

Hey Stars - hope you're feeling more positive this morning. Give me the nickname list and I'll start posting links for you. How's the phone call going?

amidaiwish · 01/04/2009 09:35

right come on stars.
i hope you are packing and getting ready.
tough talking now - no more thinking about it, time to take action.
every time i log on i'm checking this thread to see how you are. please make the move. anything you need when you get out of there just post on this thread and we'll get it to you. my house is full of great stuff i need to shift and would be more than happy to send... have been meaning to do an NCT sale or e-bay for years now.
Please let us all help, don't get delayed by ssorting stuff. just the essentials, few photos, paperwork and duvet cover/pillow for kids and coffee mug for you. that is all you need, everything else is just stuff and replaceable.

chickenmama · 01/04/2009 09:39

yes stars, I keep checking on here too and willing you to make the move. If you need help just post on here. I'm in Essex and would be so happy to come and help you move out if you're near here.

Peeingmyselflaughing · 01/04/2009 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

girlandboy · 01/04/2009 10:04

Stars - I'm weeping for you here.

TheQuibbler wrote that getting away from H "It's not all plain sailing, by any means" but I have to say that what you are going through with your H is not plain sailing either.

You deserve way more than this. H is a stupid, foul mouthed, dangerous bully. Please, get yourself and those lovely children to a safe place today, so you can sleep well tonight. Probably for the first time in years according to all those other threads of yours.

I am so worried for you. If I lived nearer I would come and get you myself.

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 01/04/2009 10:33

Stars so many people here will rally with household things once you are newly settled. I wish I was near you so I could help you.

roulade · 01/04/2009 10:48

Thinking of you today Stars

theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 11:05

OK Stars - where are you? Am hoping that you're too busy packing to update us on things, but am also starting to worry about you... Please check in quickly?

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2009 11:08

Ladies, stars has said already in the thread somewhere that's she's in Anglia area. Will help too if at all possible.

Maybe a brand new start in a new town stars? This is your one chance now to re-locate should you want to,as I know you've said there is no family support near you.

theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 11:13

Stars - I'm in EA too - given that you've said elsewhere you're 3.5 hours from London I don't think we're that close (I'm 2.5 hours) but will be happy to do what I can. My (shiny new) email is thedreadpirateofmn at googlemail dot co dot uk if you want to get in touch?

Flibbertyjibbet · 01/04/2009 11:49

Stars, if you do go in a hurry take down these email addresses so that if you are not around for a while cos of no internet access, at least you can maybe get someone to send an email to one of these addresses to let us know how you are getting on.
I'll add mine to the list.
legoates @ aol.com I know I'm at the other end of the country but I'll be willing you on.

There was a mum in a similar situation last year, after lots of threads like yours she suddenly disappeared from mumset then a couple of weeks later got in touch with another mnetter to say she'd got out and was ok.

Just go. You don't owe him anything.

Stayingsunnygirl · 01/04/2009 12:00

I've read the whole thread, and my heart is breaking for you, stars. I'm not going to offer any advice, as the others who have posted here are clearly so knowledgeable and supportive that I couldn't improve on what they've said.

But I'd like you to know two things. Firstly, like everyone else here, I am thinking of you, sending you lots of good thoughts and love, and will be following your story as you step forward into the happy life you so richly deserve.

And secondly, you are a good mother. I'll repeat that - YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER! Look at your children - look at all the good things that you do for them - you allow them freedom to play and you encourage imaginative play, you read to them, you dealt with your son's SN problems and got him the help he needs. Even now, you are putting them ahead of yourself by worrying about the effects a breakup might have on them. And I'm pretty sure, from what you've said, that the school, doctor etc will know who it is that it's you that gives the children the vast majority (well, pretty much all, actually) of their care - and that will count in your favour in the future.

I'll be thinking of you and will check back in here later to see how things are for you.

amidaiwish · 01/04/2009 12:07

stars i have just linked on the thread ladyglencora posted to above and i am now seriously worried. please let us know you are ok, i am hoping you are just too busy getting the hell out of there.

ForeverOptimistic · 01/04/2009 12:23

These threads may well be useful evidence. Make sure that you make a note of your usernames in case you need them.

I am really concerned about the threat made in one of the threads. Living with domestic abuse is damaging for children. You and your children need to leave now.

Wishing you love and courage.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 01/04/2009 12:28

Stars

In the years you have been posting about your situation on Mumsnet, I myself realised I was in an abusive relationship, got out of it and after a period of being single, am now with a DP who is everything my XP isn't.

It is possible for you and your DCs to leave this hatred and hurt for the care and love you deserve so please - don't let this poor excuse for a DH waste any more of your precious time

Original poster
starsnstripes · 01/04/2009 12:28

So sorry everyone I managed to get an appointment with the CAB re financial issues and have just got back.
I just needed to know that we would be ok money wise and seems there are lots of options open to us.

Thank you for all your messages of support and help it is overwhelming.

PLEASE don't be annoyed with me.
Am still here and plan to work out my questions for womans aid.
I know you are going to think me mad when I say I just worry what it would do to H going down that route.
Would he still be able to see the children?
Thet adore him and he is a good father to them in their eyes,they are just too young to realise about the drinking aspect.
The children may grow up hating me for doing it that way if they can't see him for a while.
I would'nt want to stop him seeing them.

Reading through those old posts has spurred me on even more and I have not given up ,please don't think that.

I am going to search to see if there is anymore as having them on this thread would as others have said be useful in the future.
Lots of it I had put to the back of my mind.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 12:40

i'm not going to be annoyed for you - just worried for you. Please let us help you out of this... Posting on phone for now but back at puter later so can search and link for you - leave the names now and i'll be quick as i can :-)

ScottishThistle · 01/04/2009 12:40

Stars, I am sure that your children are already forming an opinion of their father (as a husband).

I am speaking as a child who lived through her Mother being verbally abused for a couple of years which eventually got nastier.

The children will still be able to see their father and when they're older you can explain exactly why you did what you did.

mistlethrush · 01/04/2009 12:42

Stars, please don't worry about H - he is certainly not troubling his little mind about you - apart from the fact that you are not doing his every wish and therefore need to be made to suffer further.

And it is not a 'good father' that demonstrates to his son that his wife/mother can be treated like a servant.

I realise that you need time to make such a big change. I still hope that you are putting things together so that you can leave soon.

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