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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsnstripes · 31/03/2009 22:44

I have just been sitting here thinking and one thing I have'nt said through embarrasment at how long I have let this continue , is that I have been posting on here re H for awhile now under different posting names.

Just did a search as found a list of names I have used in the past and it shocked me.
It was nearly a year ago.
Not sure how to do links but I did an advanced search and the name I used was lostmyway.

Whether anyone could link it to this thread for me please?

OP posts:
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 31/03/2009 22:46

Is this the thread you mean?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 31/03/2009 22:50

It's a whole year since you've posted that thread and from the sounds of things have got worse not better.
You are married to a violent, alcoholic, abusive bully.
Do you want to be posting the same thread again this time next year?
If you leave now, by this time next year you could be posting a much happier thread.
I am sitting here feeling so sad for you.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 31/03/2009 22:51

Yes,that's it.
There is probably more if they are still active.
Not sure if I should search or not.
Although would be useful to have them all in one thread for the future.

I don't why i did'nt think of it before.
I guess i had forgotten most of it,it all blurs into one after awhile.
That was upsetting to read again and here I am a year down the line.....

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 31/03/2009 22:52

Oh stars . Please please leave him - he will not change.

mistlethrush · 31/03/2009 22:55

Stars - this does give you more 'evidence' if it is ever needed of what he has done.

Don't believe his threats of taking the children or getting you admitted to hospital - what I worry is that you will end up in hospital because he lashes out in a drunken rage one night....

theDreadPirateRabbit · 31/03/2009 23:02

Stars - get some sleep now . You have a big day tomorrow- you're going to phone Womens Aid and I hope you're going to leave the house as soon as you've packed some essentials, got the kids from school, and explained to the school that no-one else is allowed to collect the children .

When you're out and in a safe place, have a look through your posts and print them off to go through with a. a counsellor, and b. a solicitor. Just look at your nickname history, and run an advanced search for posts under each name.

But for now, start looking after yourself and your DCs in a safe place.

theDreadPirateRabbit · 31/03/2009 23:04

And don't be embarassed that it's gone on for a long time - abusive men are very good at holding on to their victims - it's a big part of what they do.

xx

Original poster
starsnstripes · 31/03/2009 23:06

Just been reading another one from April underthe name of hopefulwishes.

Maybe I should searching now but somehow it is helping to make me realise what I have gone through.

OP posts:
NeedCoffee · 31/03/2009 23:08

Stars, you've had some fab advice, just posting to add more support-you can do this @) it'll be tough but its the best thing you could possibly do for your children at this point in time-just a thought, could you say what area you are in? Maybe someone from here could be on hand for a bit more physical support, i can be if you're near me

theDreadPirateRabbit · 31/03/2009 23:12

birthday thread

To make it easy for you. Give me another nickname and I'll hunt more down

Original poster
starsnstripes · 31/03/2009 23:22

It gets worse.

One from christmas 2007 under puddingandcream.

Can't believe this is me I am reading about.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbit · 31/03/2009 23:23

Rats - I have to go now. But I'll be here between 9 and 10 tomorrow morning if you want to avail yourself of my thread-linking services (while you're packing etc [gentle nag emoticon])

theDreadPirateRabbit · 31/03/2009 23:25

AWOL on New Year's Eve

Original poster
starsnstripes · 31/03/2009 23:28

Now I just feel so stupid .

Have just found yet another one around christmas time under the name allsnowedout.

I did'nt think they would still be available to read and is making hard reading but helping my decision in some strange way.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 31/03/2009 23:32

Tomorrow, when this shitbag has left and gone to work, pack up all the essential stuff in one bag (passports, bank cards, kids favorite toys and clothes) and then in another one pack stuff that matters to you such as baby pictures, family mementoes. You'll be surprised at how little there really is to carry.
Then call Women's Aid and tell them you are leaving and ask for support. By bedtime tomorrow night you will be in a safe place with your DC, surrounded by help and support and with no need to be frightened that tonight's the night he's going to beat you up or kill you.
Yes it will be strange, it might be a little bit grubby and noisy, but there will be no one staring at you with hatred, no need to worry that you might just say or do the wrong thing that leads to you or the DC being attacked.
By the way, FIL's house or not, you could well get to go back to your house and have both the abuser and his family legally prohibited from entering it. Domestic abuse is NOT ACCEPTABLE and the rest of the world around you WILL act to stop this man mistreating you.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 31/03/2009 23:36

Thanks dreadpirate for the links

and to everyone else for taking the time to post and support me.

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbit · 31/03/2009 23:38

drunken abuse at Christmas

If the end result is you leaving now, it's a good thing you're doing

I really must go now

xx

dittany · 31/03/2009 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 31/03/2009 23:44

Come on stars, what sgb said!!! Post on here quickly to let us all know you're going tho!!

Practical advice...... Have been in refuge myself........maybe take kids duvet co era end pillowcases(familiararity) a favourite coffee/tea mug for you. Not too much clothing. Laptop. You asked about an Internet connection? From my experience, no. But my friend got a broadband mobile dongle (£40) and went pay as you go. It worked in her hostel then. Schools.......you'll prob have to change them. He would just follow you back to hostel and that's not allowed. They have other residents to consider too. They may even moveyou out of the area, they did me. He'll know which shops etc you use and could find you. You'll need full birthcerts for registering. Staff will assist you with benefit claims. They know everything and will sort doctor/solicitor etc for you. Just go and let them do what needsdoing!!

As for feeling embarassed about threads.......don't....... I stayed with my violent ex for TEN years!

theQuibbler · 31/03/2009 23:49

Starnstripes, I haven't posted on your thread before, but I have followed it and I do hope you are able to take some of the excellent advice that it on it.

It must be terrifying to think of changing your life so drastically, and in the back of your mind, you might think that it is not so bad, or that it is bearable, or that it is a case of better the devil you know. None of that is true.

Once you get away from the abuse, it does get easier. It's not all plain sailing, by any means, but once you have become used to not living in fear, the freedom and relief is unbelievable. It will be so good for your children to be away from the poisonous atmosphere.

He's just a sad, inadequate bully and you owe him nothing. He is full of empty threats and bluster, of sound and fury signifying nothing.

You can leave with your head high, knowing that you tried - just look at all your previous threads and what you have tried to do. You deserve better and I really hope you achieve it. Best of luck and phone Woman's Aid!

solidgoldbrass · 31/03/2009 23:56

While I have never been in a refuge myself a friend of mine went to one for a while: she said it was a bit basic BUT sooo much better than living in a nice house with an unpredictably violent alcoholic. I had put her up for a few nights on a few occasions when her XP blew up, and was always unhappy about her going back (but it had to be her choice to leave, all I could do was support and advise): my (then) home was a very untidy and cramped one-bedroom flat and I did offer to let her stay indefinitely.
Stars, there is help and an escape route available. My friend is now very happy in her own home and has been for years.

Flibbertyjibbet · 01/04/2009 00:02

I just want to say that his behaviour is getting worse because he has realised that recently his behaviour is not having the effect it used to .

thats because your mind has already left him. Now 'all' you need to do is get your body to follow it.

Don't laugh but I was sorting out stuff today from our recent house move and have a nice quilt cover and some saucepans that I intend to keep ready for when you need them.

My heart started racing when I was reading this last page of posts since I came on at lunchtime to see how you are. Thats how much it all comes back to me about my past when I see threads like this.

No one came and packed for me, no one came and whisked me to a place of safety but somehow I got through it. The number of times I thought it would just be easier to go back but something kept me plodding on getting away from him.

Btw the refuges are totally secret locations, I collect stuff to donate to the one near me and have to hand stuff to a local priest who can't tell me where it is. So no chance of your dp finding you or the kids until at least you have got your head together.

I was also going to suggest that the school holidays are the perfect time to go. That way you at least have a couple of weeks to sort schools out - and from my recent experience of applying for schools I know that children in a situation like a refuge or temporary housing are found school places pronto.

Good luck and, remember a lot of us have been through it. We all know its hard but I think all of us would say afterwards that the only regret we have is that we didn't do it sooner.

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2009 00:03

my friend from Birmingham came to visit me in bedfordshire, decided she couldn't face going back . She had her 2 DC with her. So I took her to housing advice, and she was then immediately given a place in a hostel here, run by Christian care......and it was nice! It was good enough for them to have space whilst on housing list. After 3 months she got a flat here in my village!!

Camp out on my doorstep if you like stars!! I'd do the same for you!

ScottishThistle · 01/04/2009 00:06

Hi StarsnStripes, I've read a lot of posts on this thread and really just want to show my support.

My Father was a clever verbal abuser, ran my Mum to the ground and eventually left. Wasn't a nice thing to witness as a 10yr old child but helped create the person I am today I guess.

My best friends Mother took her and her brother out of school in the middle of the day and took them 200miles away on the words of a psychic ~ turned out my friends stepfather was sexually abusing her (I get goosebumps whenever I think of that day)

It takes a very strong woman to make that step for herself and her children, I know you can do it. He is not worthy of you in his life. Wishing you and your children a very happy life! x

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