To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Stars your H has got you where he wants you - convinced that if you open up to your GP or anyone else that you will be deemed an unfit parent and your kids will be removed.

That is not going to happen, he is sensing a new strength in you and is desperately trying to beat you down again.

As everyone on here has said, doctors, hospitals, police, the courts are all familiar with men like your H who abuse their wives and they will see through him.

Please please please go to Woman's Aid. I have been following your thread from the beginning and I find myself thinking of you as I go about my day, wondering what new misery your H has heaped on you and hoping you've found the strength to go.

You owe it to your DS to give him a chance to grow up a better man than his father has.

I read all your posts and am really gratful but am so scared.
There is no way H would stand for his children being in a womans aid place.
He would say I am making it all up and turning it into a big drama and think I have planned this all along.

I keep thinking I should just tell H I want a divorce and set the ball in motion for that.
Although from last nights conversation he ays he does'nt want and to think of the children.
I can't stay however selfish that seems for the children and live like this.
I seperate bedrooms ,barely talking,only arguing.
I can't stand being in the same room as him sometimes.

I am so lonely.

I worry about you when we don't hear from you in the evening. I worry until we hear from you in the morning. I do hope that it won't come one day to us having to contact Mumsnet to find out if you're still OK, or whether you have become another statistic or newspaper article....

Stars

I have lurked too but I cannot keep silent any longer.

Your children are picking up on what's going on - your son saying about you tidying can only have come from his arse of a father. They will be happier and BETTER OFF away from him.

Please, just get yourself away from him, as for his pathetic threats about hospitalisation etc, he is just grinding away the last vestiges of your self-esteem. You will NOT be hospitalised, you will NOT have your children taken off you if you go to your Doctor and explain exactly what is happening.

Your husband is a bully and a pathetic husk of a man. Please don't let his poison drip in your ear like this.

You have done remarkably well so far to keep your nerve and your cool.

But please just get out!!!!

Do NOT have a conversation about divorce.

Just leave.

Sorry ,meant to say I think I need to tell the doctor everything as am sure she will have heardit many times before.

Maybe I will ring the womans aid again tomorrow.
the lady I spoke to before is on duty again tomorrow I think.
She was really helpful last time.

Silly question,but if I take my laptop would I be able to use it at the womans aid,would there be facilitys for that?

Stars....:.what is it you are hoping that the doctor will actually DO?

Yes, please phone Womens Aid again. Get some clothes together and go. Pick the children up from school and have the Easter hols with them away from their horrible father:

o You have done nothing to cause his behaviour - he is a bully, and would be so whatever you were like.

o There is no point asking for a divorce, or for your FIL to evict you. Once you have told your H you're leaving he will do everything he can to make things difficult for you, and if he has notice that you are planning on leaving then his behaviour may well escalate.

o He has no right to object to you going to a refuge when it is his behaviour which is driving you there. He will also not be allowed to contact you there, or know where it is.

o Once you are at a refuge, you will be able to demonstrate to the council that you need re-housing (without any faff over whether you have an interest in the house FIL bought).

o You could be free by this time tomorrow! You really could!

I know you're anxious and have no confidence - I also know that it's because you've been bullied for years, and that once you take yourself away from the bully you'll rediscover the confident and capable you.

Another long post - sorry - but please get out of there as soon as possible.

xx

Oh Stars, I know you are scared but you MUST listen to the advice you are getting from EVERYONE YOU SPEAK TO, both in RL and on here.

Whatever you do please don't tell him you want a divorce whilst you're still in that house with him, I fear this will tip him over the egde. What lengths would he go to to stop you leaving him? I don't think you can afford to take the chance of finding out.

They will not put you in hospital for having depression or being stressed out, that is not how it works at all, that is just what he wants you to think. His behaviour is classic mental abuse.

Please don't kid yourself that your children are not already affected by what is going on. Children are amazingly perceptive and will know you are not happy, and that their father is angry and cross all the time. I bet thay hate it when your H is being vile to you, they must overhear him all the time. They will not understand what is going on though, not at all. Your son's behaviour says to me that he's testing the boundries with you, he's trying to gauge where he fits in the pecking order, he already sees his dad treats you like shit, so does that mean he can too? He might act like a tough little guy but I bet inside he's just a frightened little boy.

I'm not saying this to give you more sticks to beat yourself with, Your children are going through this because of THIER FATHER'S DISGUSTING, ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR, not yours. But you seem to think that you might be removing them from something good to something a lot worse, and I really don't think that is true. Can you honestly see them growing up to become happy, well adjusted, confident young adults in the atmosphere they live in right now?

You have the power to improve the quality of life for all three of you right now, please do it. Please.

I am in tears now reading all your kind advice.

He came in just as I was taking the children up to bed.
He could barely walk and was holding onto the door frames his eyes were nearly closed up.

I told him I was just taking the children up fot their stories and he said don't even talk to me,you go read the fucking stories,I have had enough and then just stood there giving me one of those stares.

He then followed me up and insisted on reading DS's story and I did'nt want to make a fuss so he went to read it.
I went to read DD's.

I listened at the door of DS's bedroom and H could'nt read it properly so I went in and H said to DS I will read 2 chapters tomorrow night Daddy is tired tonight.
I tucked DS in and asked if he was ok and he said he was tired and went to sleep fairly quickly thankfully.

H then just went to bed.

I will go up in a minute and check on the children and I usually listen at H's door to see if he is snoring then I know he is properly asleep.(how sad is that)

So what's the plan now stars?

Stars: He can't stop you and the DC going to a refuge. It's his fault you are leaving him. He has caused this entire situation by his DISGUSTING behaviour. IF he does anything to stop you leaving he can and will go to prison, which is what he richly deserves.
HE IS NOT ENTITLED OR ALLOWED TO MISTREAT YOU LIKE THIS.
YOu have every right to a life free of his abuse.
I really look forward to reading a post from you saying that you and the DC are safely out of there.

Stars - sorry I've lurked a bit on this thread and haven't posted - but please, please, please listen to the advice others have given you and get out of there! Let him go to work, take your stuff and go. Please.

Stars I have been lurking too, but there is so much support out there for you.
I know how frightening making a change must seem when you are so low, feeling so powerless and out of control. It doesn't have to be this way.
If you're not ready to make a change yet, then please keep on speaking to Women's Aid and talk through all your fears and worries. Ask them all the "What if?" questions you like until you feel you know what needs to happen next.

Stars, I agree with everyone. The situation IS serious enough for you to go to a refuge. We're all worried for you. This is what I would do: tomorrow morning I would take the kids to school, ring woman's aid and tell them everything that is in your mind. Everything. How you're worried you'll be sent to hospital, that he'll take the kids away. They will have heard it all before, because they're typical threats. She'll be able to talk you through all your worries and it will all become a lot clearer. I would then pack a suitcase with some clothes, books and toys and your laptop, pick up the kids and go to the refuge. Imagine yourself there, not worrying about what your H's reaction will be, because you won't be there to witness it. Once in the refuge you can sort out the rest - doctor's appointment, council, CAB, solicitor... They can all happen while you're at the refuge. You NEED to be in a refuge.

The plan is to ring womans aid again tomorrow and beforehand right down any questions I have and also updtae them on the situation since my last phone call.

He would say he is'nt an alcoholic just a social drinker.

I just keep thinking what about all the rest of our stuff,we will be able to come and collect it once we are re homed.
And how long would we have to stay n a refuge before getting re housed?
What about school for the children?

Really good idea to write a list of questions, including those last two you've just written. I'm afraid I don't know the answer but I'm sure the person from Woman's Aid will. You're being incredibly strong. Well done.

A social drinker doesn't get home in such a state that he's not able to read a story to his children.

The easter hols are coming up - school isn't as important as getting you all somewhere safe.

'he would say he isn't an alcoholic' - well, from what you've told us I wouldn't trust the man's judgement as to whether I was on fire or not.

The rest of your stuff - if you can get it it can be stored. You can ask the police to accompany you - ask Womens Aid to talk you through this

And how long you would have to stay is (I believe) up to you. Till you feel safe and strong enough to be back out in the world?

Will you please update us once you've talked to Womens Aid? But really quickly so you can get on with your packing [hopeful]

stars - alcohloics are always social drinkers! as far as your stuff goes.... the police can accompany you when you collect it, to help protect you from violence...but you have to prove that its yours....so grab any recepts you can find!. i too have been where you are .... life gets better the minute you leave!. my ex used to say he was the "best deal i was going to get" - you should have seen his face when he met my DH .(he's fab, will do anything for me and dc ). i know some girls who have been in refuge as little as 3 weeks! kids can still go to school, just make sure school knows that only you are to pick the kids up!

Stars, it's just stuff. Make sure you've got clothes and essentials, just like others have suggested, and important paperwork. All the rest can be replaced over time. Your health and sanity, and the kids ability to grow up as reasonably normal human beings can't.

As for the re-housing, if no-one on here can tell you, I'm fairly certain the people at Women's Aid can, they'll have seen it a thousnd times. And they'll also give you advice about school for the kids. If they have to be out a day or two, phone the school and see if they can email work or if you can pick it up. The school will have heard stories like this too, so don't worry about that (I work in a school, so I know this bit for sure).

Stars - he could barely walk and had to stay holding onto things to stay upright - and this was before 9pm on a workday. And it sounds as though he drinks every night, maybe not this heavily - but still a lot. Yes he is an alcoholic.

I can't speak from experience, but lots of people here are. Please listen to them.

I think that it is a really good idea to write down a list of questions to ask Womens Aid. However, if you get a chance, I would still do some preparation before you ring the - get the essentials together. It won't hurt - you don't have to use them, but it will be easier to make the move if that's what they recommend. I am sure that they are used to issues with schools etc. This is a relatively minor issue (I know it must feel really massive) compared to your and your childrens safety and health.