To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

HAS HE BROUGHT THE SHOPPING YET?

Making a den under the dining room table is a lovely thing to have let them do! It's constructive play, which develops their imagination. Not the same thing at all as just trashing. DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH RUBBISHING YOUR PARENTING!

Just how does he think his drinking and treatment of you is showing respect for the children? He's got a bloody cheek.

You are NOT fing up your children's lives; you are keeping things together for them in spite of his vile behaviour. If you're fing his life up, then he can bugger off and leave, if he doesn't like it.

Stars

I have also been a lurker on your thread. I'm really sorry you had a bad weekend, but I honestly think as you write you don't believe things are going to get any better and If that's the case what are you witing for.

I agree that for you to heal and feel strong out sooner rather than later has to be the way to go. He is a mean manipulative and deeply unpleasant person who does not appear to engage with or parent his children.

The eggshells you walk on daily do not need to be there, speak to womens aid again and see what they can do for you and how soon you could leave.

We're all routing for you, and want you to be safe and happy, sooner rather than later. Once you've taken the first step everything else will fall into place.

Stars, I have been following this thread for a while now but have not posted because I don't have any experience you could benefit from but I feel compelled to post now to add my support for what must be the hardest thing you've ever had to face.

You've had some brilliant advice from some fabulous people on this thread and I can feel you becoming stronger as I read each new post. However I do really urge you not to delay much longer, take your children and the essentials like passports and paperwork and get away from that horrid, nasty man.

Material things can be replaced easily enough, your self esteem, confidence and right to a happy life are far more precious. Incidentally, I think the person who is displaying signs of being ill is not you, it's HIM. Normal, heathly minded people do not behave like that to someone they are supposed to love. The 'cure' for your 'condition' is to get away from him. His issues will be much harder to resolve, but that does not have to be your problem, you are not responsible for him.

I hope and pray you are ok, there are lots of people on here who are rooting for you, we might be annonomous but we really do care.

x

I've been lurking too, worried about you and hoping that you get out sooner rather than later. I've never been in this position myself but have seen a friend go through something similar with a shit of a husband who made her feel like it was all her fault and that she was worthless. Hopefully, reading all these replies will let you know that it is not you, it is him, and will give you the courage to tell him to go fuck himself next time he criticises you. Get out as soon as possible, get clothes for you and the DCs and all important paperwork together and go. Deal with solicitors and all that after. All those who've been telling you that material stuff isn't so important are right. Your health and the minds of your little ones are.

Thanks for your support everyone,it's really helping.

I know what you are all saying but it is so hard to know what to do for the best.

I am sat here typing with the lounge door open so I can hear if he comes downstairs again.

He has been down 3 times now to have another go at me.

He said I am really pushing the boundaries tonight and I deserve everything he says to me when he is drunk.

He kept saying he provides a roof over our head and the childrens and that it entitles him to come home when he wants.
He said he definetly does'nt want a divorce and it is not about me and him but the children.
He said do I want him to lose his job as he may have to take control of the children as I am not doing it.
And to sort my fucking self out and keep the house tidy,he said I have no pride in the house or myself.
I admit I have let things slide but have no motivation at the moment .

He threatned to take my laptop from me as said I was probably on it all day when I should be tidying the house.

He does'nt have concern in his voice for me re my health it is all about the house and what he feels I am lacking in doing.

Please leave him, you shouldn't have to put up with that. You will be so much happier when you no longer have him belittling you like that. I'm praying you find the strength to do the right thing for you and your children and get out of there.

Stars - you can do it. How's the escape list coming on? And when are you seeing the doctor again?

Stars - I think that your resolve is showing through and he's trying to exert more control as he is feeling that he is losing it.

I don't know whether the best thing is to pretend things are 'normal' and try to do a bit more to the house etc (although I can understand why you really can't face it at the moment) until you can get more advice - or take the other route and leave before he causes you any more hurt.

I have appointments planned with the CAB this week and solicitor in 2 weeks time.
Doctors is after half term as is the council appointment.

I did think I would make more of an effort as far as the house is concerned to throw him off the scent as such.

Otherwise that would give him more ammunision(sp) againest me.
It is worrying what he said about me needing to go to hospital,he would love that to show on record I am not coping.
He said if my sister could see me know she would see how bad it is.
But then he does'nt know I have confided in my sister.

i have just read all 15 pages of the thread (procrastinating when i should be doing VAT return...)
you really have to go.
why can't you go now, do you have to wait for solicitor?
did the women's aid person give you an address of a local refuge where you could just turn up. what are you waiting for?
have you got the paperwork/things you need together? honestly, do it now, tonight, just get them in one place so you are ready to go. This has to end, you are on the path of turning your life around and you just have to take that first massive terrifying step.

I don't see the point in hanging around any longer stars. Cab and solicitors can't help with practical things. All they can do is advise of your rights, which can be done as easily once you've left. Same with doctor and council. It's not benefitting you or the children at all by staying.
all those appointments will set you back weeks...... And there's 2 bank holidays approaching, will he be home then? More time for things to get uglier. And more time to chip away at your confidence.

Please don't think I'm saying this just for dramatic effect but it seems to me that your H has really stepped up a gear nastiness and is growing more and more intent on breaking you. He seems to be feeling very threatened by your new found intollerance of his behaviour, you are not responding in the way he is used to (which takes courage, don't underestimate yourself) and it's freaking him out.

He is losing control, of you and of his comfortable little world where he is king and the world orbits around him. Please get out now before he flips completely, from what you've told us, I don't think this moment is very far away now.

I'm just adding to all the others here when I say I'm getting seriously worried about you. Agree with all who've just said, get out now. Is he at work now? Do you have an address to go to? Where are your children? Do you have bags packed, passports and other important paperwork in your handbag? It's not going to take much for him to snap, if he's saying the sort of stuff you're telling us, and then it's a trip to the hospital, which the kids won't ever forget, or forgive. Can you go today, before he takes your laptop and you lose an important support network?

I am scared of going the womans aid route.
I know H would go mad if I just took the children and went.
He would deny he was abusive and make out I was the one who was unhinged.
I am on record as having anxiety issues in he past he has nothing on record about his behaviour.
Also his family have money so he would get the best solicitors etc and I worry he would try and get the children from me.
Also the children would wonder what on earth was happening.
I am hoping I can just leave with a planned place to go and take some things with me with the help of my family.

Been reading through last nights posts and what he said and it struck me he has'nt once asked how I am feeling.
It seems he just wants me to get better to look after the house and keep it tidy.
He said last night to forget any plans I have and stop playing whatever game it is I am playing and sort myself out.

So he has no understanding that I am like this because of his behaviour and I feel miserable all the time and have had enough.
The evidence is staring him in the face and just tells me to get my shit together.
No concerns for my health,nothing.
Says it all really.

Stars- don't give up! Have you talked to Womens Aid? H going 'mad' after you left wouldn't have to be an issue for you, because you wouldn't be there, and you and your children would be safe... And you say you have nothing on record about his behaviour, but you have this thread. I remember that other MNers who have left abusive husbands have provided threads to their solicitors and the police, where it was necessary to show some history of the abuse.

He's been violent to you before, and it sounds like he's building up to it again. As other people have said, the anxiety is a perfectly rational response to the stressful situation your H is placing you in.

Have you got your passports sorted? And any other paperwork? And have got the toys and clothes to your sister yet?

Can you see the solicitor any more quickly?

And please, give Womens Aid another call - they'll really understand what you're going through, and work with you to get you out safely.

And please please keep posting! We really do worry about you when we don't hear from you

Stars......if he goes mad when you take the children and leave,so what? You won't be there to witness it. The kids WILL adapt. Anxiety? You bet from living with HIM!! As. For money his family have for solicitors, the kids will be with you, you left because of abuse and you argue that point with your own solicitor. Courts aren't stupid! Been through it myself. They see through these men. Womens aid will actually be the best route here because it backs up your reason for leaving, and adds extra credability, rather than you calculating your move and waiting with him still in the picture. You need to give this some thought stars........as well as thinking about how this is affecting your DC seeing him treat you this way!

Stars..I have been reading your posts and it is so upsetting to see you so broken down by this man. I think the other posters are correct he is starting to freak out because he has sensed a new change in you. He is trying to tell you how worthless you are etc.. to put you back in your box.

I can't possibly imagine what you are going through but you really need to put a plan in action now before you lose the physical and mental strength to go.

I am sending you my support please stay strong please call women's aid and please leave now whilst you have the strength

I talked to womans aid last week.
I guess I still keep thinking I am over reacting and are things really that bad for such drastic action.
I know I have not been the easiest person to live with.
Anxiety issues and problems with going out muct have been hard to live with for H.
Am not excusing his behaviour though.
I surspose they must be bad if everyone is here ,womans aid and my sister are telling me they are.

I have paperwork and passports put away and am sorting out clothes.
The solicitor can't see me any early.

As for affecting the children.
Only just today I asked DS to take his school things through to the kitchen as I had tidyed the dining room today.
He said "at last,if you'd have done it last week it would'nt be in such a mess"
He had obviously heard H moaning about the mess last night.

He's the one that's damaging the children.

You really need to get them out of that situation as soon as you can stars.

I'm worried for you. None of you should have to live like this. I did as a child and the sense of relief when my dad left was wonderful.

Stars - you are being abused all the time: you shouldn't have to tiptoe around on eggshells in your own home; your children shouldn't be learning that you are their housemaid/servant that can be ordered around and looked down upon; whilst when dh is at work it is reasonable that you should have full care of the children, when he is not at work he should be sharing the responsibility, not copping out by going to the pub every night; you shouldn't be living in fear of what mood he is going to be in when he comes home; etc etc etc.

What he is doing to you is mental abuse - but its having a physical effect on you due to the stress that its causing.

You need to have a good talk to the Dr. However, it sounds to me as though you'd be so much better if you simply got yourself and the children away from him.

Yet another voice saying that you need to get away sooner rather than later. Abusive woman-hating drunks like your husband become dangerous very quickly.
Please remember that all the things he is telling you about how inadequate you are and how he will take the children away are BULLSHIT. Courts, police, social workers etc are used to this sort of thing from abusive men and they all recognise it even if the man is rich and respectable-looking. Just think: everyone you have asked for help has said the same thing: this man is abusing you, it is not your fault and you do not have to accept i.

At sat here now and can feel my anxiety levels going up wondering how he will be tonight.He said last night he stays out because he alwyas comes home to problems.
Problems being children arguing ,me stressed etc.
I said welcome to my world,they are children.
He keeps saying I have no control over them.If he knows I struggle sometimes why does'nt he come home on time then to help me out with dinner etc.

My doctors appointment is'nt until after half term .
I may ring the surgery and ask if they can bring my appointment forward.
Although if I open up to the GP about everything and tell her how I am feeling it might just confirm what H was saying last night about hospital.
Maybe thats what he wants.

I need to accept what you are all telling me and recognise this is me we are all discussing on this thread.
Once I have done that things may get easier.

stars - I have also lurked on this thread but just wanted to add my voice.

There are some very wise women on Mumsnet. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY ARE TELLING YOU.