To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Listen to ILoveTIFFANY. She speaks sense, hon. Money is nothing compared to peace of mind, trust me. So, you'll be skint for a while.. doesn't matter. The very thought of being in your own place and being able to relax without having to tread on eggshells - it's worth so much more than a few quid.

The arrogance of the man astounds me. How dare he turn off the radio you were listening to and then tell you to F* off when you object?
But then, that appears to be the least of it. I suppose he tried to pin the parents' evening thing on you as well...

Does he go away for business overnight at all?

Could you get your things together and move out when he has gone?

None of us can tell you what to do so it must come from you that you do want to leave him.

It is such a long thread now that I cannot remember if you said if you owned or rented the property you are in. The Council will rehouse you if you contact them and tell them the situation.

Gossipmonger.....with the greatest will in the world, do you honestly think if she rings the council to say she's not getting on with her husband and that he swears at her, drinks alot and didn't turn up for parents evening, that they will then just rehouse her? Just like that?

Stars - have you got basics to your sister yet? How's the list making coming along?

You know you can do this, we're supporting you as much as we can (for an online bunch of strangers) - and you've got RL support from your family. Don't lose heart now please!

Stars, I always get worried about you when we haven't heard from you for a little while. hope everything is OK.

Stars please remember that no one has the right to treat you badly. Whether he brings the money in or not. The time you take in raising your children and looking after your house is just as important and valid as him going to work, only in a different area.

I know nothing of what you are experiencing personally, but I know that you have the right to feel loved and appreciated.

theDreadPirate is right, please don't lose heart, this online stranger wants you to feel happy when you wake up each morning.

Hi everyone.
Sorry have not replied before now.

He came home at 7.45 last night in a taxi but had not had that much to drink and was being quite pleasant.
Probably feeling guity re the parents evening.
I came up to bed early rather than sit with him watching TV.
I just could'nt face it,did'nt know what to say to him.

I have started sorting through clothes.
Not taken any out of the house yet but just putting some side for charity shop etc and having a general clearout.

I have an appointment with the council in a couple of weeks.
Spoke to a lovely lady from there and she said because of the situation with the house-(as my FIL bought it and is in trust for my son)that if he were to say I had to leave,which I am sure he would,then I would be classed as homeless.
Also because I have 2 dependants they would look to re house me.

Am a bit up and down at the moment.
Have so much going on in my head wonder if I will get through it?

I have such a mixed lot of feelings from anger,guilt,betrayal,selfishness,hurt,scared,sad,confused happy, etc

I'm glad you're OK Stars. What you're feeling in terms of all the emotions isn't surprising - you've been keeping them bottled up, but now there is some potential for something else they're all bubbling up.

The information from the Council sounds very positive - do you know if they have a waiting list or would you get priority and found a house almost immediately? Different areas are so different in terms of their stock and waiting lists etc.

She said they have 4,000 people on the waiting list but I would br priority if I was forced from the house and the fact I have 2 children.
She did mention temporary accomodation but said they would try and avoid that.
She sounded quite positive but said wait and see what the solicitor says about my rights.
She also said as FIL is our landlord any landlord would have to give notice to a tennant.

So you'd need to get the fil to evict you officially so you can apply as homeless? This is why you'd be priority, because you are 'homeless' with dependents. It's worth doing. Temporary accomadation would be bed and breakfast. If you were in a refuge, at least you'd know you'd only have other women to share amenities with, as opposed to who knows what in b and b!

Keep going stars. Hope this weekend isn't too bad!

Having a really bad day today.

He has just sat around doing nothing today and expecting me to do all the tidying up but for once I just left the kitchen in a mess.
I refuse to be the one at weekends who does everything,he only criticisings me anyway.

So at 4.30 he announces he is going out to get some pizza for dinner to save me cooking.
Great I think ,he is being considerate.

Does'nt get back until 6.45 so the children have already eaten as were hungry and he had turned his phone off.

When I said you have been over 2 hours we were waiting he just said "so,I went for a drink"

He is now loading the dishwasher an dnot to happy about it.

I went into the kitchen and he said sarcastically I have been out 2 hours you would have thought you had plenty of time to get this kitchen tidy,you must have had other things to do.

He brought home some gin as well and is now on the gin and tonics.
I have just left him to it and come upstairs although he stood at the bottom of the stairs and when I looked back he was giving me one of those hateful stares that I always get when he is angry.

The children are playing upstairs and I am reading in my room so will keep out of his way.

Stars, you said earlier he's good with the children at weekends - doesn't sound it from your most recent post!

Did he actually bring home any pizza?

He expected you to have the kitchen tidy despite you having to cook for your dcs because he decided to abscond to the pub instead of bringing you home the pizza at a decent time.

And those hateful stares he gives you - how dare he treat you like a piece of dirt!
You know you're worth much much more than that.

Is it worth living the rest of your life like that just for the sake of bricks and mortar, and a few pounds?

He did actually bring the pizza home an dthe children did eat some.
But it was late by then.

It is not worth living like this.
He has gone to bed and find myself tip toeing round the house so as not to wake him.
I can't relax.

missed post tiffany-the only way is to tell H I want a divorce an dthen he would tell his father and I would imagine things would go from there.
As I said before they would'nt let me get my hands on anything so suspose he would have to sell then I would be homeless.

H has noticed there is a change in me and has said today I seem as though I have given up on everything.

He was referring to the house of course.
What a mess it is so said he could help out too.

He also reckons that apples to the children.

I asked if he was trying to make out I am unfit mother as the evidence will prove differently,he replied
"you reckon"

I can't stand this for much longer,it's unbearable.

You're doing ok stars. Maybe the time has come to just go?

Sorry stars - didn't get on-line at the weekend. I'm sorry you've had such a bad weekend.

Just so you know what a 'normal' household does - we run it so that whoever is putting ds to bed comes down to find supper ready (whichever way round it is) or, if we've eaten as a family, all the kitchen is tidy and sorted during the same time. I was helping at the NCT sale yesterday - so left at 11.30 and was back at 5.30 - dh had amused ds, drawn with him, walked to the shop and bought some bits and pieces, sorted his food etc. Parenting needs to be a team effort.

I think that you need to decide what you want to do, what timescale you are prepared to wait for and how far you are prepared to go to get what you want.

From what you have posted, I am certain that your -d-h will subject you to more mental abuse if you ask him for a divorce. The question is, are you prepared to still be living in the same house when you say this to him. Will FiL serve you with eviction - or will the family turn against you out of spite?

A critical question is whether you think that your -d-h would also resort to physical violence as well, particularly if he has been drinking.

In the meantime, please do start putting just a few emergency things elsewhere. It can't hurt, and might help.

Hello stars,

I haven't posted on your thread before but I have been following it wishing you well.

I am posting now as I find myself sitting here willing you to get out sooner rather than later. I can almost hear those egg shells you must be walking around on. Your H must be sensing it too and I wouldn't be surprised if he just flips one day. I definitely agree that you should be making as many arrangements as you can - post the passports to your sister if you have to.

Don't worry too much about his threats about exposing you as a bad mother and a bad wife. How would he prove it? Once you are gone your houskeeping skills are irrelevant. You obviously are a great mother - who was there for parent's evening, who has been to all your DS's appointments, who looks after them? Schools and hospitals make a note of these things, it is all recorded. Don't make excuses for him or cover up his drinking. If anybody asks why he isn't at a meeting with you tell them the truth. Stick to the facts, don't get into name calling but let them know he is the one not meeting his responsibilities.

The doctor will also be able to tell that you current state of mind is a result of the tension you are living under not the cause of it. They aren't stupid. Tell the doctors everything. Tell H nothing.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Keep a small diary of his drinking habits and behaviours, You may need it for divorce proceedings. Try to remember approx dates/times when previous abusive situations have occurred and note these down too. Someone may have already given this advice, apologies if this is the case. Good Luck.

Hi Stars, I'm also worried about you and the fact that your H is noticing a change in you. Please do consider moving out before you tell him you want out/a divorce. Do post the DC's passports to your sister as a priority. Do it today. Wishing you the best of luck and much strength.

I dream of living in a normal household.
I watch the other fathers around were we live come home on time every night and think how nice that must be.

I don't know what FIL would do I would hope he would think of his grandchildren.

Not sure about the physical violence but could imagine maybe pushing ,grabbing me which he has done before or locking me out of the house which he has done in the past before the children.

I have lots of incidents in my head over the years that are ingrained.

Well tonight the children were playing upstairs and he started on the usual the house is a mess.
You have no control over the children.
They had been making a den under the dining room table.

He kept saying I needed to get a grip.
I am so far gone I can't see it.
I mentioned the fact he should divorce me and get a housekeeper.

He said it's not about that and if you has any respect for the children you would'nt even be talking about it.

He reckons I am sick and need to go into hospital to recouperate (sp).
He said I am mentally and also physically ill looking at the state of me.

Apparently I am fucking up his and the childrens lives.
I told him even if I did do that (which I don't plan to )his drinking would still be a problem when I got home.
He said it is not about him it is about me and my problems and not to blame him for how I am acting.

Meant to say he said all this ironically pouring himself a gin and tonic!!

I think you need to get out now via the womens aid route.
I was giving you some thought over the weekend.
Firstly, thinking that fil will co-operate in you splitting up with his son and evicting you. My ex's own brother told me he didn't know why I was still with 'that loser' (his own brother) and told me to leave. When I did, his family closed ranks against me and made things very difficult re the house and his brother drove him round till he found the car which I had taken (thought an old car was a fair swap for a house with equity in it), he realised I must be staying with a friend so he got his brother to drive him round all my friends. Next think I knew there was a copper at the door saying he'd had a report of a stolen car and trying to arrest my friend's husband because it was on their drive!
Word got round quick and no-one would help me with accom etc, and I had no dependents so right at the bottom of any waiting lists.

do you think that your H will agree to a divorce, let you stay in the house until your fil has issued you (or both of you) with eviction notice, then stand by while you pack your bags and take the children Do you really think that after all this you will just leave the marital home and go to some new place all set up by the council?

Your husband likes to control you and make you feel incapable of doing anything for yourself. There is no way he will let you get away from his control.

I'm going to be harsh now but I'm only speaking as one who has been in your situation. I honestly think you will HAVE to have some upheaval and it might be horrible at times. If you go through womens aid and have a brief stop at a refuge or safe house, you will get somewhere from the council sooner and you will be among women who've been having similar experiences.

I told my ex that I wanted to go, at that time I wasn't sure how exactly I would go about it or where I would go. At first he was nice and said he'd change, so I thought OK I have some time to save up. Then he started again but it was worse than before. As if he knew that I would leave if his behaviour got bad again, so he really concentrated on making me feel like I'd bottle it so I'd have to put up or shut up.

In the end because I dithered, I ended up literally running out one sunday afternoon with just the clothes I stood in and my car keys.

Don't dither. make all the plans you have to, take documents and clothes to your sisters, and don't hang about waiting for that solicitors appointment because a) you have no house to have any claim to and b) she will think you want to arrange a divorce while I think you need to get out first and then divorce him when your self esteem is better.

Sorry to be harsh. But you've got a difficult time coming up whichever way you do it and I think you should go for the short sharp shock approach and then you can get on with your new life all the sooner.

Stars - I worry about you when we don't hear from you for a while.

I am frightened for you when you tell us that he suggests that you should be in hospital.

You are ill - you are stressed from having to walk on eggshells all of the time, from not knowing how you'll be treated, from being told the things that he says to you and about you. That stress is very likely making you physically ill too.

I do hope that you are managing to do some preparatory stuff so that, if things get worse, you can just leave without having to worry too much (more than could be expected given the tremendous changes)