To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Fantastic progress Stars - but don't let the wait stop you starting to nibble away at the things that you can get ready for - papers, clothes etc....

I agree at mistlethrush. While you are waiting, get photocopies of all the bills you might need, and get those passports, birth certificates out of the house, somewhere safe. Sort some 'charity' clothes and toys round a friend's or your sister's so you have things in place. Once you have seen the solicitor, things could start moving quickly.

Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly x

Am feeling rather down tonight and confused.

He came home on time tonight although he said it was because he had an important day at work tomorrow.
He had'nt been drinking.
So I am thinking it was'nt for our benefit.

He is being really nice and I am now feeling really guilty that I am betraying him.

I know it is just one night though.

Yeah, but when he turns again, you'll feel differently.
There's nothing to be lost by making enquiries and preparations for the worst-case scenario.
Then, when you discuss things, he'll realise that you've had enough and are serious. Then, I guess, you'll see whether that's enough to shock him into cleaning up his act. It may be that you decide you want to give him another chance. Or, if not, you're all ready to go.

Don't feel guilty as this could be part of his manipulation.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation and she agrees that the best thing she ever did was to leave, but she didn't until things turned truly ugly.

Please believe that we are all supporting you, and planning on its own can help you feel stronger, as previous posts say, keep up the momentum by doing small things.

Keep strong stars.

There is no could about it, it is part of his manipulation/control. This is one of the things that keeps an abused women hanging in there and makes her question if she is in an abusive relationship or not. I did mention in an earlier post that you should be aware that he will turn on the charm. If he senses he is losing control he will switch, he will be nice but it won't be long before he is back to his old self.

Don't waste your energy feeling guilty. You need to keep strong and focussed. You are not betraying him, you are protecting yourself and your DC.

I'm pretty sure he's worried about what you'll tell the doctor. The minute I saw the email he sent you:

"Thanks for letting me know."
Have been thinking about you this morning,love you"

I thought - yeah right - you've been wondering what she'll say. And all your worries about the doctor thinking you can't cope, that your children will be taken away - I can guess who's feeding those fears.

The way these people work is to try to close off your doors out of the relationship. And the reason he's veering between being nice and super-nasty is he's scared he'll be "outed" as an abuser. Your GP will expect you to be finding an abusive relationship traumatic, because it is. She won't think there's anything weird about that, or that there's anything wrong with you. In fact, you won't be the first person she's seen in this position.

I remember the night I left my XP the police were called and the policewoman took me into another room and was talking to me and I was thinking "why's she talking to me like I'm a domestic abuse victim?" Then the penny dropped. When it's you, you never feel like it can be as cut and dried as it is for other people. Because they're so good at making you feel like it's all your fault.

I'm wondering if he'll go as far as my ex did!! When he discovered I was seriously leaving (army welfare removed him from our married quarters back to barracks til I'd left)he tried suicide threats, didn't work so he made a few feeble suicide attempts, this only resulted in psychiatric treatment in hospital. By the time I'd gone he'd resorted to another suicide threat (he thought this might be more effective because he'd now shown that he was capable of actually following through) and then finally I got the ' I've got cancer' phonecall!!!! He hadn't, but boy was I glad I was away from him!! Five years on and the relief can still be felt. Just stick to your guns stars.....

Well looks like he has reached a new low.

I have been feeling unwell today so DS's 1:1 kindly offered to bring the children home from school for me.

I rang H and told him as it is parents evening tonight and he should have been taking them.
The school said I could see the work after school another time.

He rings up 30 mins before the appointments and said he had a couple of beers and was giving parents evening a miss and it did'nt really matter.

I rang and said DS was upset and he said he can't get home in time now and to stop it and not to ring him again.

Stars - he's not a parent - he was a donor, but that's as far as his parenting goes now. Have you let the school know that he can't be bothered and decided to go to the pub instead?

Please give your ds a hug from me.

I have just told the school that H was delayed at work.

DS was distraught and he lashed out at me saying I had to make daddy come home and kept asking me to ring him.
But H turned the phone off in the end.

DS has calmed down but it was heart breaking seeing him like that.

I guess I have been kidding myself and feel angry now that I actually felt sorry for H for betraying him.

Stars - just from this I would say that your ds would be better off where he didn't expect your dh to be there for him.

I think the constant way that H lets us all down all the time is reason enough as well.

He came in about 20 mins ago and gave me one of those awful stares.
He turned the radio off I was listening to and I turned it back on so he told me F off.

He is now in the kitchen with a bottle of beer and I just hope it is'nt going to be one of those nights where he keeps on at me.

Oh stars, please hurry things along if you can

He sounds an awful man, and I would do anything not to even be in the same room as him

What exactly does he bring to the relationship? Anything at all?

Do you know, the teachers at my kids school all used to think I was a single parent. The ex never attended parents evening either! It's just pathetic, for me lack of interest in their education is the final nail in the coffin

Thankfully he went up to bed.

He did say could we make it up and was trying to get round me but I said I was'nt prepared to as he had had to much to drink.
He got annoyed and said he was making an effort but if I could'nt bothered then forget it.

I suspose he brings the money into the relationship and he is good with the children at weekends.

Stars, how are you this morning? I agree with serendip you need to hurry things along, but I understand your lack of self-esteem is holding you back.

Going back a few pages where you were worried about your H accessing your doctors files, I am forwarding this link, where a Radiographer received a caution for revealing scan results of a patient and the patient's child to an ex-partner of the patient. So it is not allowed and you can be re-assured your H will never be able to access your files.

Even if your H wasn't being abusive, he's isn't being a husband or a father as he's never there.

x-post with stars. Glad you are okay.

'I suspose he brings the money into the relationship and he is good with the children at weekends. '

that is no reason to behave in the way that he is behaving and no one should put up with this!

This is the way you both arranged things - he would earn the money and you would do the childcare/housework but you are being treated like a doormat and your children are seeing it too.

Imagine how happy you could be without him. Stay strong.

I think in some strange way he thinks because most of the time he is around at weekends and not drinking then he is doing his bit.
Then in the week he sees it as his right because he works to socialise after work.

I am in the frame of mind at the moment to get things orgainised for the future.
I only wish the solicitor could have seen me sooner.
I am just looking after the children as if I was a single parent,which I feel like now anyway.
Music has been a great help.
I have bought myself some new CD's and stay upbeat listening to them and imagining this is all over and me and the children are somewhere else happy.

Keep thinking that way stars! Imagine the future!

What practical things have you been doing? Sorting things to take,money?

Why do you need to see the solicitor before you leave? It's just as easy to do it once you've left. You won't lose out in any way if you're leaving through domestic abuse.

Glad to see you're keeping up your spirits, stars. Sort out the paperwork today, or the clothes and toys.... do something that makes you feel like you are taking a tiny step towards that happier life you're dreaming about for you and your kids.... x

I am undecided as to going down the womans aid route as not sure my case is urgent enough.
So am waiting for someone to call me back from the council to discuss my options to see if they could re house me.

I suspose I am thinking do I need to put clothes etc away as am hoping I would just be able to take them with me anyway when I move out.

Stars, what do you have to lose if you've sorted some out into a different place - If you have time to take the rest/more, you can - if you suddenly, for whatever reason, just need to up sticks and go, you can without worrying.

Stars.....thing is, if you don't think it's serious enough to go through women aid, then it's certainly not serious enough for council to re house you! You won't be a priority. Have been through this, as did several friends I made whilst I was in the refuge. Nobody can jump the council waiting list unless you are PRIORITY. That means homeless with dependents. And that means going women aid route. Yes it's going to take time. But it's so worth it. I really, really wish I could meet you and show you what I have now!! This could be you! But you need to just get on and do it. No looking back.

You're hesitating and obviously thinking this through from every angle, and rightly so. It's just heartbreaking the way he speaks to you. Limit the damage and hhave a good think over the weekend. What's your limit? What would be the straw that breaks the camels back, so to speak, that would make you leave instantly?