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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 25/03/2009 08:09

Yes, I agree with Peasoup with regard to the arguing. He is relying on you pulling him up on things so that he can feel victimised and in turn take his anger at this out on you. Don't give him the satisfaction!

I would suggest that you withdraw from him as much as possible, be around him as little as possible. Even being in the same room as a person such as your H can drain your energy. You will feel much stronger from having less to do with him.

It sounds daft but try to imagine yourself in a bubble, a protective bubble, when he starts on at you just concentrate on keeping that bubble intact, on not letting him burst it. Don't let him in!

TimeForMe · 25/03/2009 08:11

Also remember, you can't change his behaviour but you can change your own. You can change the way you react and respond which in a round about way could bring about a change in him. Be prepared though because as he feels you getting stronger and getting away from him he will turn on the charm and try to reel you in again. That's when you have to be really strong.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/03/2009 08:25

Nothing to add, but wanted to offer my support.

Keep talking, and keep strong xx

bamboobutton · 25/03/2009 08:27

Have you sent the childrens passports to your mother or other trusted person yet?

im really concerned that his veiled threats and your "wake up call" could mean he is planning to take the children, especially as his mother is in another country.

TimeForMe · 25/03/2009 08:28

Me again!

Also, just keep reminding yourself that abusers are bullies, quite often weak, insecure men who get their feeling of power from controlling and abusing women, using threats and mind games. He uses your children against you as a weapon because he knows it will hurt you. Try to see him for what he really is and hopefully you will begin to feel less threatened by him.

rosieposey · 25/03/2009 09:11

Hi Stars and Stripes, am sorry to read that things are not getting any better for you but glad that you are considering doing something about it. With regards to feeling tired and down and unable to cope well thats exactly how he wants you to feel and is the stick he uses (verbally) to beat you with. Please do not worry that the doctor will think that you are depressed or 'unhinged' she will be a good judge of what is making you loose weight and feeling the way that you do.

You cannot be expected to feel any other way given what you are subjected to on a daily basis. That email sounds like a bit of a mind f**k to me as he came home and started on his usual pattern of rude and destructive behaviour. I think he has sociopathic tendencies as he appears to swing between charming you and bullying you (like all abusers) You sound by the tone of your recent posts like you want to do something about all of this and i am glad. I understand that it will take a mammoth effort but you will find the strength in there somewhere - you at least know that you need to get out of this destructive pattern one way or another.

I know that you know what happened to me in my previous marriage by my last post but i should mention a friend i have where i used to live (we arent friends anymore as she isnt allowed to have anything to do with me because i left my ex H) Her H treats her and speaks to her like shit, i mean it is really bad, they hardly have any friends because he doesnt care who hears him speak to her like it, she knows what he is doing but is reluctant to leave because of her lifestyle (the big house, car and private school). He hits her too and she has 4 children all of whom have seen their mother treated like this. The terrible thing about this situation is that her children dont appear to be particularly sorry for her and speak to her in the way that their father does too - its because its all they have ever known and they perpitrate the same crappy behaviour displayed by their father towards their mother. I suppose what i am trying to say is that i dont want your children to think the same thing.

You have the power here in all reality, you are their mum and you know that this situation is wrong, you can walk away or you can seek help but you must do something as its not getting better is is?

I have been thinking about you the last couple of days and hoping that you are finding some strength from this thread

BalloonSlayer · 25/03/2009 09:33

The GP will probably ask: how are things at home? how are you coping?

This is your opportunity to say something like:

  • well I don't know...
  • the house is clean
  • the children are happy and well-fed and looked after
  • I am working well with the school about DS's needs
  • but my husband is always saying that I am useless
  • if I ask him to do anything he shouts at me for not doing it myself
  • he throws the dinner I cook in the bin (although the DCs and I eat ours) but shouts if I don't cook him anything
  • he goes to the pub every night and says he drinks because of me
  • he says that DS does not have SN, that his symptoms are down to me (THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT, DOCTORS HATE IT WHEN LAY PEOPLE RUBBISH THEIR DIAGNOSIS)
  • so I don't know whether I am coping or not...

(I have taken all that from your previous post, apologies if I have anything wrong)

By this time you will almost certainly be in tears, which is no bad thing.

She will no doubt ask about physical abuse.

I know this sounds manipulative, but if you can manage it I think it is a good way to put across all that you are going through without it sounding like you are the one causing the problems.

SerendipitousHarlot · 25/03/2009 09:40

If you stay focused and lay plans in place to get out - do you realise that that you will no longer EVER have to worry about what's going through his mind. You can concentrate on you and the dc. Stay strong and keep posting, there is lots of great advice here xx

Flibbertyjibbet · 25/03/2009 10:17

Of course you can do it.
Look at all the women on this thread who have done it and we were once in the same place as you. Yes its hard when its all still in the future, because going will be a massive upheaval.

I don't think what balloon slayer is suggesting is manipulative - it just looks like telling the doctor the truth to me.

What you must remember is that although it will be stressful, there are two types of stress:

  1. Motivational stress where you are doing something for yourself which is hard work and you may feel stressed, but you know that you will benefit from it. Ie, running a business, swotting for exams, moving house etc, and also taking a massive plunge to give yourself a better life. This stress is beneficial because its 'self inflicted' and you have control over it.
  1. Outside stress over which you have no control. This type makes you ill and is caused by things out of your control, ie being bullied at work, illness in the family, living somewhere you don't want to, or basically just living in a place where you feel everything is out of your control.

So whilst it all seems like an awful lot of stress to put yourself through to get out, you will be swapping the ongoing out-of-your-control-stress which is making you ill; for a short term intense bout of the motivational stress which will improve your life.

Now, get off mumsnet and get those papers and stuff to your sisters. When he comes home you can be having that 'sort out' of clothes - tell him you are sorting stuff to sell at the dress agency to help with the family finances.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/03/2009 10:20

Ballon Slayer, that is a great post.

Stars, hope you are ok this morning - stay strong.

GypsyMoth · 25/03/2009 10:27

Stars,hope you're ok today. Your head is probably spinning with all this.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 25/03/2009 11:55

Thanks everyone for your messages and support they are really helping,believe me.

I have just got off the phone to the womans aid.
The lady I spoke to was really helpful and rather forceful in acknowledging what I am going through is abuse.
Although you have all been telling me this on here it came as a bit of a shock all the same.

She gave me some local numbers of solicitors etc to amke enquiries as to my rights.

She said to make the enquiries first and don't tell H until things are clearer in my head and I have a plan.

I know H won't let me take the children but she said he can't stop me.
Also that to open up more about my anxiety issues and no one will blame me as have been through a lot and they shuld understand that is where my anxiety is arising from.

So need to make an appointment with a solicitor now.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 25/03/2009 12:26

Well done sweetheart!!

You are doing really well, keep up the good work. Have you found a solicitor yet

GypsyMoth · 25/03/2009 12:34

Oh well done!! Am pleased for you!

Something in your posts makes me feel more for your story than any other on mn!! And there are enough if them! Think I see alot of myself ( as was) in you and your situation. Keep strong stars,we're all rooting for you!

slug · 25/03/2009 12:41

Congratulations! You've just taken that first step towards a safer and happier life for you and your children.

sparklesandwine · 25/03/2009 12:49

starsnstripes - i have been following your thread and have just seen that you live in east anglia, i am also in that area and you can email me if you like [email protected]

i would gladly offer a place of solace to a fellow mnetter should you need it if things got too much, email me and if i'm close to you, you can take my number if you like

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 25/03/2009 12:59

That's such a great start stars!

Original poster
starsnstripes · 25/03/2009 13:26

I am a bit overwhelmed by all the support from here,close to tears.

I am enquiring about solicitors now.

sparklesandwine-I am not near you as such but will e mail you.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 25/03/2009 13:32

Good on you stars. Keep at it, you're doing really well.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 25/03/2009 14:22

Solicitors booked for mid April-first appointment that was available.

So that's solicitors and CAB next friday.
May be able to get legal aid apparently need to take in some documents to see if I am eligible.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 25/03/2009 14:38

Well done again! I feel ever so proud of you, daft considering I don't really know you! You keep strong now and start planning for your lovely future

puffling · 25/03/2009 14:42

Have followed this thread Starsnstripes.
Very best wishesx

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/03/2009 16:25

Stars that is great news, you are being incredibly strong - your DC's are lucky to have you as their Mum.

fernie3 · 25/03/2009 16:32

god my husband gets a list emailed to him lol. I dont think its being unreasonable its alot eaier for him to nip in on the way home than it is for me to lug three kids on a bus into a shop and home. He has never complained seems odd to me

sophie

rosieposey · 25/03/2009 17:05

Thats great news Stars Well done - this is the first step to a happier life.

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