To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

I agree aquilly I am quite possibly the worst role model for my dd as I am now n bedrest due to the fact I collapsed this morning due to working stupid hours for the past few weeks.

But don't you think Squilly that there is no point telling children things - you have to show them.
So no point telling them to eat healthily while subsisting on wine and fags yourself.
No point telling kids to read if you barely pick up the telly section in the mail.
Thus if you want them to equate hard graft =results you have to live by that code yourself.
Not saying everyone needs to run off to an office but children do need to see action and graft above and beyond the drudgery of housework and taxi service no?

But we can't always dictate what we show our kids. We show them lots of things...we show them love and hate, anger and happiness, work and laziness. We are never just one thing, so we show our kids many things.

SAHM's are not one dimensional. They don't just show their kids domestic drudgery. In fact, I really resent that implication. I'm a crap domestic worker, so that's the last thing I show my child!

A SAHM will always get pissed off if they are accused of showing their kids nothing but domestic drudgery. Most of that, DD doesn't see in our house. What she sees is a mum who has chosen to stay at home.

I volunteer at the school and help kids with reading difficulties. I tell my dd that I chose to be home for the next few years with her so that she could settle into primary school.

She knows that I have worked. She knows that when she goes to secondary school I'll work again.

Right now I also trade on Ebay, so she sees me posting items, bringing in money, filling in my tax return (and stressing about it). I do feel that's important, but to be honest, even if I didn't do this, I would find my role as a SAHM valuable all on it's own.

It's denegrating that people assume a SAHM can show a child nothing. It's insulting and unnecessary. I don't bitch about people who work 9 day fortnights and spend their 10th day at the gym rather than with their 4 year old. Their choice...wrong imo, but hey...I don't pay their bills, don't do their job, don't get their view. I therefore don't like it when people feel it necessary to judge me for not working !

Litchick are you saying that it is better for young children to be looked after by someone else so their parents can demonstrate they both work in paid employment?

If one parents income is sufficient for a family to live without claiming benefits I don't think both parents need to work in paid employmenet in the early years.

It is also nice to have one parent around when you get back from school to take you to clubs/ help with homework, listen to your day.

I would not criticise anyone who choses to be a working mum but its a bit rude of you to imply sahms are a lazy bad role model.

Squilly - I am just like you..off to do some Ebaying now in fact!!

Hi Happywomble. I should be wrapping parcels now and listing. Thank Gawd my dd can't see me now. Sipping hot coffee, watching Bones on Sky Plus and generally living down to my SAHM status

By the way, hear hear Happywomble!

I think it's important as well to realise that some mums really don't have a choice. They have to work to pay the bills.

I do feel very lucky to have this choice and I tell DD often that I'm lucky to have had this choice. But I worked very hard to get here, being the main breadwinner for a number of years in my relationship and having the burden of working/earning on my shoulders.

I'm now in my 40's, working hard to pay off our mortgage with the help of my darling husband and I have a gorgeous 8 year old.

Squilly Junior is the only child I had...I lost the other 4. And dd knows, that's why I'm home... To make the very most of my parenting days. To me, that's my idea of being a great role model.

Squilly - so sorry to hear of your losses. I'm glad you are able to enjoy every day with Squilly Junior!!

Thanks Happy. It was a long time ago and I tend to live in the moment. I think it's made me a much more joyful person, ironic though that may be!

IMO enjoyment is the aim of each day...when things go wrong, you deal with them. And when they go right, which seems to be most of the time in this house, we are thankful and joyful!

I think I'm a darned fine role model for my child, which is why the whole SAHM/WOHM debate makes me cross. It's not that I think one way is better than the other, it's just that I really resent the people who do. The ones that imply SAHMs are lazy or WOHMs are thoughtless or careless.

Life's short. Role models come in all sizes and shapes. FGS we have most of our kids looking up to Paris Hilton, Jordan, WAGs and other non-entities. Working or non-working parents are the least of my concerns for my girl's role model wishlist.

Happywomble that's not what I'm saying at all - I'm just saying that we can only be role models in what we actually do ourselves.
So even though I think it's very desirable to be fit and healthy I cannot possibly profess to be good role model in that regard because I do so little exercise emyself.
Ditto, I am not a good role model in showing patience because I have very little.
In fact there are lots of things I am not a good role model for.
Thus we are all good role models for some things and not others...
What I am saying is that when I was a SAHM i was a good role model in all sorts of different ways but most definitely not in showing that women are as capable of men at earning money ( because I wasn't doing it), that hard graft brings results, that creative work in particular is not magic but requires hours and hours of hard work.

happywomble the problem is for many people that having one parent working excludes them from receiving most benefits. So, you earn too much to get any help, which would enable one person to stay at home, but too little to actually pay for everything if only one person works.

My DH's salary exactly covers bill - bills only, rent, council tax, tv licence, etc. There would be a small amount for food and literally nothing left over. If neither of us worked, or if I was on my own, many of the bills would be paid, and benefits would give me more available income than would one person working. I completely understand why many of my single mum friends have no interest in getting a job.

It is a ridiculous situation, but one which I'm sure is behind many parents decision to both work.

"IMO it is important for DCs to see someone working to support the family, be it mum or dad, rather than being supported on benefits. If only mum is around, it would fall to her to set this example of working to get the family out of poverty rather than subsisting on bebefits"

I agree with you entirely jack99.

I also think you make a valid point re having financial independence from DH/OH. Should the worse happen, if a mum is already working, at least they would have means to support themselves and their children.

"Perhaps I'm teaching my dds to avoid hard work and conflict by my addiction to the workplace?"

Fennel - on the same theme (but I am not for a moment suggesting that your family functions like this) there is a prevalent family model here in Paris where both parents work full-time and employ a full-time poorly educated and poorly paid nounou to do the chores, errands and childcare.

I have serious issues with that model as it teaches children that chores, errands and childcare are low-grade and unimportant tasks, which too often becomes "home/family/domesticity is boring and worthless and the only worthwhile things happen outside the home."

Jeml - I completely agree.

Everything (the tax system) is stacked against married couples living on one larger salary. If my DHs salary was earned jointly (rather than one person) we wouldn't pay higher rate tax and could probably claim all sorts of childcare etc.

However I looked into returning to work and I don't think we'd have been much better off due to the high childcare costs and commuting cost.

Fortunately we were in a good financial position before having children so have managed to get by for a few years without my working. But I do worry about the hole in my pension etc.

YABU i read other generalisations about dumping children at nursery with reprobate staff all the time.goes largely unchallenged

there are many MN cliches that get trotted out ad infinitum

certain threads always polarise opinions

Martyr Mum give it all up Vs Career avaricious never there mum

children need attachment,love and affirmation

i dont care what the given orthodoxy is on MN i know what works for me

YANBU

I never get those who say :

' I go to work to be a good role model dor my dc'

'I go to work to use my brain'

And those stories in the papers about people who won the Lottery and next day went to work (to keep busy!) WTF??

(BTW i go to work to pay the bloody bills)

Sfendona - I think your attitude is the right one! Work is first and foremost about earning a living.

A very few very lucky people can afford to work for the joy of working.

B.Anna ,

Are they very few lucky people?

Reading some threads here i get the impression that many women can afford not to work but they do .

I swear to God if my husband earnt a bit more i would be so happy to stay home. I could find a million ways to be good role model and million hobbies to keep busy.

I just think it is sad that we see paid work as the (only) way to identify (sp) ourselves or to feel worthy

Lots of people who have to work in order to afford an acceptable (obviously this is subjective) standard of living ie are working for the money rather than out of sheer pleasure but there is an element of choice - they could downgrade their lifestyle significantly but survive on one income. So they tend to talk about working because they want to when there is a greater financial incentive to their work that they care to admit.

Hmm i prefer those who go to work for extra holidays and plasma tv. No problem with that.
I ve got more problem with 'the pleasure of working'

Mind you my DH has some collegues who say they cant wait for Monday to go to work because they miss the office too much and 'love' the office!! Yak

you can be a good role model and not work of course you can!
I just don't want to raise my daughters to think that 'when i grow up i am going to have a wonderful life cooking smiley faces for some children and washing my husband's underpants while he goes off and has an amazing career' so i think by havinga succesfful career of my own, i actualyl AM a good role model for my daugters - I want them to grow up with aspirations of their own, professional aspirations, not humdrum floor cleaning house tidying school run doing aspirations. thats just me though, i know people have different ideas about what will make their kids happy, being the fourth generation of working mums in my family, i kinda know what works for us. And its this.

I agree, there is something endearingly honest about saying that you work to pay for family holidays, school fees or other big luxuries that you would not otherwise be able to afford.