To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

ssd, mea culpa. I am by no means whiter than white. But by that post I meant people ought to chill a bit and not cry over silly things because then they would be more content. I just put it very rudely and stroppily.

Oh this is such an old debate.

I'm quite liking the blw bun fight over in chat actually, at least it makes a change from the usual old crap on here.

OP - YABU.

I think the arguments on this come out much more on mumsnet than in real life. In my real life the WOHMs and SAHMs are good friends, mothers are broadly supportive of others' choices and understand that we have different experiences. I've always been a very keen WOHM but lots of my close friends are SAHMs. it doesn't cause arguments. And many of us have moved between the two positions over time too, keen SAHMs have got enthusiastic about new careers, careeer-oriented WOHMs have got fed up. It's just on mumsnet and in the media these things get hyped up.

crikey..enjoying a thread about baby led weaning....you really live life on the edge..

I think when I was a SAHM I did a lot of work running the home and family BUT most of it was invisible iyswim...plus the kids were little and I'm not sure they processed the idea that my 'work' was valuable. I told them ( ad nauseam )but...
Now I work ( from home) and there is plenty of concrete eveidence - me on the laptop, a book, an article, so they seem to get it more that hard, hard, work brings results, not just financial but creative.
It may be just that they are older now and thus more aware but they do seem to appreciate that getting what you want will entail graft.
Howver you can do this by setting yourselves hard goals and achieving them, doesn't have to be paid work.
I live in an affluent place and am surrounded by by women who don't do very much with their time. They shop a lot, have lunch, choose cushions in John Lewis. I wonder how they have the cheek to tell their kids to go practice their violins/do their homework etc.

Agree with Fennel.

Isn't it interesting how perceptions are so different... my impression is that SAHM's get a lot of shit on MN, and that the "dominating force" are the WOHM's... so I guess it just depends on what you are yourself which negative posts you notice

I have seen the good role model many times on here, and YANBU. Fwiw, I think I am a very good role model to my dd's, but fully expect them to tell me otherwise in their teens.

YANBU I've seen that phrase a few times on mumsnet always thought it was rather odd.

I think some women take this comment the wrong way, as Hecate says there are many things that make you a good role model, being hard working is one of them, whether it is work in the home or out of the home, its is not a dig against SAHMs, however some sahms are seeing it that way

I'm not convinced about the work ethic thing, I've always found my paid job less like hard work than being at home with my little darlings. Who are getting easier but it's still pretty intensive at home. Work is a gentle pleasant alternative. An oasis of calm. Perhaps I'm teaching my dds to avoid hard work and conflict by my addiction to the workplace?

Daftpunk - irony bypass anyone?

But Most women end up doing both no? The work and dealing wiht the explosive poos.
Perhaps because I work in the home and don't use childcare ( though my DCs are at school ) I feel like I do everything.

IMO it is important for DCs to see someone working to support the family, be it mum or dad, rather than being supported on benefits. If only mum is around, it would fall to her to set this example of working to get the family out of poverty rather than subsisting on bebefits.

I work part time, not because of any high minded principles about "role models", but because if I work we can afford to pay for things for the DCs that we consider important. We could not afford these if I stay at home full time.

Also I feel the need personally to keep a hold on the job market in case I one day need to support the whole family for whatever reason. I just don't feel comfortable being totally financially dependent on DH. Nothing against him, and I don't have any reason to think he is planning to do a runner, it is more down to the fierce independence I was born with.

I will also remeber a story told me by a SAHM friend. Her DD was having an interview for a school place and was asked the usual question 'what do you want to be when you grow up?' She replied 'I want to be a SAHM because my mum has a pretty cushy life (!)'

Not saying i agree with her sentiment about i being a cushy life, you know what kids are like, but it makes you think about what messages we send to our DCs by our own life choices.

I never dealt with poos. That was DPs job. But that's probably another thread.

now I sound as though I do very little good role modelling behaviour at home OR work

Ref ssd's original post - I always think that the best maternal role model for a child (boy or girl) is a happy and fulfilled one.

Personally I opted for not giving them the role model of a snarling spitting claustrophobic witch so I went back to work. Now though I sometimes feel that my home would be a nicer place to work than the streets I currently pound...

Nor did I Riven, if I'm honest. It's only now I am working again that I can see my children are much more appreciative of what I do - bioth my work, of which they are embarassingly proud, but also the work within the home because they know it's hard for me to fit it in.
Now I get the 'I don't mind if you can't come to the choir concert/footie match/art festival'. But if I can make it I get huge smiles and brownie points because they know effort was made and proorities jiggled.
Does that make sense?

I can assure you I do not do the most housework. I work longer hours so dp does 95% of the housework usually before I get home. I have no intention of my dd thinking that a women is to be equated with a "muggins".

litchik it certainly rings bells with me. One parent at school commented on how long it had been since I left. Puzzled, left? I just start work way too early for the school run so the girls walk from their gran's (lives just round corner from school - thank heavens). So I got a pat on the back for making to the playground at all!

I like it that my DCs see everyone doing their bit...both paid work and within the home.
My DH works horrible hours so does little homemaking really but I make him do some chores very visibly at the weekend. And the taxi service nach.
My biggest bug bear is that he doesn't/can't cook...but that's whole other ishoo.

I do both, work is an escape (also a nessessity) from the poo (like the one i had to clean up before i left the house this morning ) i am both mother and father, worker and carer, money maker and shit shoveller, being a good role model is not just about me going to work

I like Hectates post and agree about the crock. She's right! None of our employment choices dictate what kind of parents or role models we are. That's just one element of who we are.

You can work full time, hate it, moan about work constantly and that can affect your interaction with your kids. That can make you a really bad role model for your kids...giving them the message that work is vile and makes you a grumpy old git. Of course, if work doesn't make you a grumpy old git, the kids probably won't even notice.

We act as a role model by providing good clear guidelines for our kids, by giving them great values. We teach them that if they work hard at something, they'll get better at it. That they respect others. That they can achieve things if they combine belief and graft.

Work choices are something that we make as parents. We make lots of choices, which all combine to make us the role models we are, good or bad. We put way too much credence on what women choose to do work-wise when perhaps what we should do is look at the things we teach our kids in the whole...work, life and love, happiness...how to squeeze the joy out of life and make the most of each day. How to deal with the disappointments, the people who we don't get on with, the situations we don't want to face, but have to. Showing our kids how to deal with these things, THAT'S what makes us good role models.

I think someone in the family should be working. That is what sets the good role model - to provide financially and support the family. This could be mum or dad imo.

There are of course lots of other ways to be a good role model but the financial support aspect is vital.