To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

Can someone please explain to me what is meant by working mums "juggling work and children".

Surely if you are at work full-time then someone else is looking after the children for you. Cant see any juggling there at all.

Y

Are you trying to be contentious Mariemarie?

No, its a serious question

I would have thought that the juggling came from trying to work and look after DCs by yourself mariemarie.

I can see your point Marie

I dont pretend. When i am at work i am not with my DCs that s why i wouldnt work if i had a bit more money.

But i think i am the only one to admit it and not to live in denial and attack SAHM

I do think that deep down, working mums feel a tad guilty about going out to work and alot of the ones on here who have slated SAHMs would probably secretly love to spend more time with their children.

Likewise, I think that many SAHMs would secretly like to have a job so that they can get dressed up, have a break from the children and earn a few pounds.

It sounds to me that many mothers are not 100% happy with their position but are trying to convince others on here that they are.

I think secretly, we would all like the happy medium. I know I would.

I'm a SAHM and I find that particularly unfunny.

When I was a WOHM I had to sort out my DD BEFORE she went to nursery, make sure everything was prepared for the day for her and for us then drop her at nursery. After that little commute, I did the commute to work. From there it was a case of juggling to do lists and work stuff whilst occasionally wondering how DD was doing.

Picking dd up at 5:45 I'd have to think about her evening meal, DH's evening meal, bathtime and bedtimes. Somewhere between all this I had to fit in housework, shopping, laundry, just like every other mum. Now I was lucky...I had DH who was great, but some families have both mom and dad in 9 - 5 jobs and then have to fit in baby/children as well. It's not even vaguely amusing for them to have to deal with all this then have some smartarse on a forum like this say 'I can't see any juggling anywhere'

Add to this unreaslistic time schedules at work and the never ending domestic chores and it was more than juggling.

If you can't see it, you've clearly never been in that position. Stop being so pompous.

Mariemarie - some working mums juggle,some don't. Often the juggling comes in when kids are at school and you are trying to get the 35 hrs in while leaving in time to pick up. For me that involves a few hours work at computer when kids are in bed. other mums have different arrangements.

It is often simpler for WOHMs when DCs are preschool as they will be in some kind of childcare that is chosen to fit in with your work.It then gets more complicated having to make pick up and drop off arangements for school age kids. For SAHMs I would say the opposite is true - the early years are full on with some respite coming when the kids are a t school for at least part of the day.

I agree Marie
there is a lot of denial on this thread

And going back to the original question i would say that a good role model is to be true to yourself

Yes but Squilly, I could argue that at least your house is empty all day and not being messed up.

Do you seriously think that my children get themselves up and ready for toddler group, prepare their lunch, go to the park on their own and then decide what DH is having for his tea?

And when they've finished doing all that, they bath themeselves, read their own story and do a quick pile of ironing before saying good night.

Squillly
i think Marie meant that you cant work full time and claim to be there for your dc and play with them and not missing anything from their lives. Unfortunetely thats not true, it is denial

I think we're straying back into the land of people making assumptions about other people's lives here.

There are many women perfectly happy to leave their kids in someone else's care whilst they do a rewarding form of employment. They know their kids are well cared for and they love their jobs or don't want to harm their career progress. They do provide good role models.

Not every woman wants 'a happy medium'.

Some SAHMs are perfectly happy to be just that. They have no desire to put on smart clothes and earn a bit more money. I'm certainly in that category. I could go back to work tomorrow on the same banding I left on, but I don't want to. I choose to stay at home even though DD is at school because (a) it is more difficult to arrange work around the school run and (b) it has enabled me to explore other avenues for my future career.

There may well be some denial on here, but who's in it isn't easy to say as we only see the face that people allow us to see. It's therefore safer to say that if someone's getting defensive about their position it's because it bloody hurts to have people judge your lifestyle choices.

And in some cases, mothers have to work to pay the bills. So the last thing they need is sanctamonious folks telling them they're wrong!

Squilly, if you're referring to me being sanctamonious then indeed YOU are the one who is wrong.

Why would any mother feel the need to come on here and do their best to convince "strangers" that their home/work life balance is the best. Who cares? If you were totally happy with your situation then you wouldnt have to try your best to convince people on here.

I think you're both out of order. Stay at home mums don't have the monopoly on good parenting.

Some SAHMs don't interact with their kids. They don't have strong bonds with their kids. Just the same as some WOHMs don't. It's not what they do for a living (or don't do for a living) that dictates how this works. It's what they're like as people.

As a SAHM my house is empty all day, apart from me. But I still have to do laundry, prepare meals, etc. I have done the toddler thing and now I'm in the school age phase.

No one is saying that you don't have to do all that stuff. What I am saying is that mums who work have to do all that stuff as well as working.

God...it drove me nuts...the leg shaving, the ironing of clothes, the meal preparation, the shopping for groceries only when the supermarket was full at the weekend. A complete ball ache!

I love being home because it's so much easier for me. End of story. But I can't forget how hard it was to work. And I don't think I was a worse parent when I did work. I still had time to play and provide all the love my daughter needed.

My dd is now 8. I've been at home with her for nearly 4 years. I was at work for nearly 4 years when she was little. She has grown up to be an incredibly cheerful, confident, loving little girl who is totally secure with her home life and environment.

She has had love, attention, good parenting and lots of affection and discipline since she was born. Made no difference whether I worked or not.

And yes I juggled then, but I don't juggle so much now. Taking work out of the equation doesn't make things completely straightforward, but it does make them easier to manage.

I don't go to work to get dressed up and have a break from my children. I go to work partly for financial reasons - to take the pressure off my previously sole wage earner DH in troubled times for his industry - and partly because I feel passionately about what I do and missed it.

Between leaving for work and picking up from after school club we don't juggle. Then my children are in the care either of DH, school or after school club. After I pick them up is when we juggle. Getting home from work early one day a week to get dd to dancing in time; working every night after the children are in bed for 3 hours or so; fitting my marking and prep into the weekends in a way that minimises disruption to our other activities; making sure DH can get to sports days, plays, assemblies, because I definitely can't. If you really think it's as simple as passing your children over lock, stock and barrel to someone else you are mistaken.

I am happy with my choice BTW. As I was for my 5 years as a SAHM.

And yet you feel the need to come on here and tell working people you can't see any juggling going on.

Very empathetic!

And I've said all along, since my first post, I'm totally happy with my work/life balance, my position in life and my job as a role model.

I don't need to convince strangers, but this is a forum...if a topic takes my fancy, I'll comment...and this one really takes my fancy!

Squilly, if you read my posts again, you will not find anywhere where I have said that SAHMs have the monopoly on good parenting.

I have not taken any sides, WOHMs or SAHMs.

I do think that you are wrong about the happy medium thing though. I am convinced that if everyone had access to good, reliable, affordable child care then most women would have the happy medium of working part-time.

You didn't comment about the monopoly on good parenting Mariemarie. You just said there was no juggling involved in 'handing your kids over'. That is a really negative way of putting things.

And you're wrong about the happy medium scenario. I could go back to work tomorrow, part time, with flexible hours with no detriment to my dd but I don't want to. I'm happy at home.

Similarly, there are people on here who are passionate about their careers. You could provide them with all the cheap childcare in the world and they'd still choose to work. And why not? If they love what they do, that's what will make them happiest and therefore a better parent.

It's too easy to look at other peoples lives using your own yardstick. WE're not all the same and thank God for that! It wouldn't do if everyone ran round berating working mothers or SAHMs. It would be unbearable. The happy medium is that we do what we want. WE make choices based on the resources available. That's what parenting is always about, whether you work or not!

I wouldn't mariemarie. Life is much better with me being sah. But then you did say 'some' so I suppose that wouldn't include me.

Agreed Juuule that Marie Marie said most parents would choose to work part time...but I'm just not convinced it would be most.

Personally, I felt I did a rubbish job as a part time worker because I was so used to working 70 hour weeks and doing whatever it took to get the job done. Add a baby into that equation and suddenly you're restricted to nursery hours, or you're juggling work commitments with DH's commitments with DD's commitments and things get very complex.

I felt like I failed on every level when I tried to work part time. Half my time was taken up managing people and that left only half my time to do the job. BAsed on part time hours, it just didn't seem worth the aggro.

I think cheaper childcare would certainly help those mums who want to work and who choose to work and it should be a reality in any modern society. But we don't seem to make this leap...childcare is expensive and that makes working unfeasible for a portion of the population.

Right...off to bed! DH awaits

Have a nice evening everyone.

Even if I did choose to work part time, I would spend the extra time out with my dogs or reading or going away to visit friends. I have no desire to spend more time with my children or be a good parent; I'm happy being mediocre in all spheres of life.

marie I think the people on the extremes are not feeling guilty, it is probably people like me who are quite moderate in their views who feel the guilt.

I often feel guilty that I often place my work before my own child, I was at home for 5 years and on the whole loved it but I am not that person anymore. I love my work and I think part of that is quite selfish but it is the way I am and I cannot pretend to be someone I am not.

By mariemarie on Mon 23-Mar-09 21:56:07
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. I am convinced that if everyone had access to good, reliable, affordable child care then most women would have the happy medium of working part-time.

Why not most parents? Why is this a about women at all parents have children not just women.

I would not have the happy medium of part time , I need to and want to be at work full time. My dp on the other hand wants the happy medium of part time.

i never want to work again

i intend to procreate and then potter