To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

I pottered for five years and it was fun, I had a lovely time with dd, made lots of friends, did some voluntary work, almost completed another degree, decorated a house. studied photography and read lots of books. At the end of each long summer holiday I do yearn for it again but I know I would miss work.

Milly & Twinset, I find your posts refreshingly honest.

i loved millys!

I suspect you find them refreshingly honest because they are what you want to hear but I am not claiming to be representative of WOHMs. I would not feel the guilt if I worked a normal 40hour week, or I think I woudnt.

Ok ok ok, you win twinset. Pick pick pick at what everyone says. You go ahead and post again, have the last word and be right.

odd marie - i am approaching this debate from possibly the opposite standpoint of twinset and have not found her picky in the least

Well on the previous page, she was picking because I said "most women" instead of "most parents".

Was she picking? Or was she asking why you only included half of all parents in your generalisation?

I did not mean to pick I just think it is an important distinction. Childcare and worklife balance issues are not soley the womans domain and we will never real equality while we speak of it as our sole concern.

A year ago dp and I had no worklife balance and a few years previously I had a breakdown from trying to have it all. When dp and I sat down to plan who was going to be the mainly at home person and who was going to be the main working person gender never came into out.

lol that I went from refreshingly honest to picky in 6 minutes.

I think it's a lovely happy medium to have about 2 hours a day with your children and I certainly didn't want months of maternity leave either. People just differ. Some men want to be home all day too. It's not just gender specific.

2 hours a day wouldn't be enough for me

but then again sometimes 2 hours when they are fighting seems like a bloody lifetime!

2 hours sound fine to me

I also can't see what is "picking" about Twinset's posts. In fact, I find them very inspiring, because although I'm currently three years into a SAHM, it would seem I can come back and be a career woman again further down the line when I'm ready (am not yet, am just about to have another baby). This is what I choose to take away from what has become a largely unedifying slanging match again.

I am sure stay at home mothers won't agree but it is a decision which affects other women, employers and the future prospects of your daughters and expectations of your sons if you give up work. In most worthwhiel careers the bottom line is if you take 5 or 7 years off you never ever get back on the same track. Of course some women do something different and very successfully. I remember in the early 80s working with a woman who had children at 19 and 20 having married at 18 and she when in her 40s was training again and I am sure she did very well but it is much much harder to do it that way round.

Anyway the idea of living off male earnings and havnig a man to keep you is just abosluteyl repulsive and worrying for many women. And you risk so much - so very many men lose their jobs or they die or they disappear abroad with their secretary and never pay a penny of maintenance

Well, to a certain extent, Xenia, you have a point. But I don't see why I should stop doing what I want to do because of the narrow, rigid expectations of the workplace. We would consider it outrageously sexist to discourage a girl or woman from making a "typically male" career choice for whatever reason. I can't see that it is any less sexist to say a woman can't make a "typically female" career choice for fear of being judged or somehow bringing shame on the sisterhood.

Xenia - some very valid points there. There is no getting away from the fact that taking a few years out will permanently affect your career. In some fields, you will never get back to the same position again.

That does not bother some people as they do not particularly enjoy their jobs nayway. However, if you enjoy your career and have put years of hard work into getting where you are, it is not something you will want to just throw away.

Personally, I went part time so I could keep a foothold in my field and not lose my career completely, but i will never now reach the position i might have if i had stayed in my full time, long hours job. With some careers, even part time is not an option.

As i said earlier, I am also uncomfortable with being financially dependent on a man. Even if nothing goes wrong and you stay together, it can subtly change the power balance between you in a way you may not like.

Mrsgboring - as a long term aim for society, you are right. But dealing with the reality as it is now, then sorry the hard truth is we have to choose.

Yep, and this is what I chose. Now I'm pretty clever and ambitious when I put my mind to it, so I may well buck the trend when I do re-enter the workplace. That's a gamble I'm prepared to take. Also that my husband won't run off with a waitress from Billericay.

I still don't get this notion that it is better to have a career than stay at home. Why is it better than bothering to care for you own children?

I'm sure kids of career woman just love to hear these sentiments "Darling sorry I didn't want to spend much time with you at all. I found you boring and time consuming. So I chose to have someone else bring you up. Staying at home to bring up kids is not nearly as worthwhile as working for mr x
Having kids seemed like a good idea but actually I preferred working and getting a great promotion and job satisfaction a to actually being around you. I'm sure this has really screwed up your self esteem but hey, I bet you have your horizons broadened now don't you?"

Yep, Mrsgboring, you chose that, I chose this. And there's a lot of clever, ambitious women out there, some may buck the trend some may not. Or are you better than the rest of us??

I hope your husband doesn't run off with anyone form any town in Essex, but if you think it couldn't EVER happen to you then you are not as bright as you think.

"I am sure stay at home mothers won't agree but it is a decision which affects other women, employers and the future prospects of your daughters and expectations of your sons if you give up work."

That cuts both ways. Who is to say that one is 'better' than the other? You are just asking others to justify your decisions further, becasue you feel that they are better.

Women are individuals and make choices based on their indovidual circumstances. It would be suicide to make choices based on others peoples circumstamces. Utterly illogical.

"Yep, Mrsgboring, you chose that, I chose this"

And that's fair enough, isn't it? Both fortunate to be in a position that you have a choice. Isn't that what should be the aim? Lots of people don't have a choice to do what they want to do.

"some may buck the trend some may not."

Which trend is that, then?

The point I was making (and which Xenia mad first), Juuule, is that the choice is between being a SAHM and having a permanetly impaired career, and being a WOHM and perhaps not spending as much time with you DCs as you would like. It is rarely possible to get the career and the stay at home time with the kids.

Thats the trend I guess mrsboring was referring to. You would have to ask her as she is the one who came up with the phrase. She apparently can ignore the above choices as she is so much brighter than the rest of us.

jack99 you said "the hard truth is we have to choose" and I'm saying yes that is what I chose, and I also detailed the calculated risks I have personally taken in my decision. I don't get why that bothers you.