To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

happy I don't think that's fair at all. I have made it very clear that I am talking about what works in my own case and I have repeatedly said that it couldn't work or wouldn't be desirable for everybody.

These what if questions are a bit silly. Well, yes, of course you could drop dead tomorrow but since that's unlikely and the likelihood is in today's world that both partners and their kids will live till a ripe old age (possibly spending 20+ years in retirement) then it makes sense to plan for that. There is no way contributing to savings and a pension could be a mistake in that if I don't need it it will be passed on to my dependents and if I do which is likely then it'll be there for me.

that's true..i stay at home..dh works, i would never expect him to come home and do the washing up or clean the bathroom (he wouldn't do it anyway)...but he gives me pretty much all his wages. he has never, in 15 years of marriage asked me what i'm doing with it...as long as the bills are paid and he has decent food he leaves it to me.

No, I agree about M & S. We do rather better in my own family. Dp makes a mean risotto and a fish soup the other day yumm. We each have our own specialities.

fish soup sounds nice! Wish my DH liked fish!

'As long as the man doesn't see what he does as more important just cos its paid then it can be equal. Its just different, not higher status. And the earner appreciates they couldn't earn without the work the partner does.'

Yes, as long as ...

In my own situation, given that we both have jobs that DO combine with childcare, there would be resentment and demands if one of us gave up work.

And certainly while you lot seemed to have got it sussed there are many thousands of women who feel they have to prove themselves and men who restrict what they do with their time and money and men who resent the fact that they have to work longer and harder to compensate for their partners loss of earnings and miss out on family life etc.

not that long ago very few women worked (certainly not while the dc were young)....i wonder were alot of men resentful then?....doubt it.

I see the purpose of equality to allow men and women to have equal rights to be able to choose to do what they want...

My own mother was a SAHM but she was certainly not frazzled and downtrodden and it was her choice. I went to uni, have career etc that is my choice. I think that I would find complete financial dependence difficult to deal with.

It really winds me up when people try to judge others and justify their choices as better - because they aren't, just different.

i'm all for equality..absolutely..if a woman is bored senseless at home with a baby, fair enough...go out to work..you'll both be better off probably...and if you need extra money to pay the essentials..fine..you have to help...but there is no way i'd work just so dh could spend more time in the pub or whatever...no bloody way!....that's not equality.

some men want an easy ride imo...in every sense.

I am just wondering what job FiveCandles does.

It is very satisfied and stimulating job, high power but yet she can drop and pick up from school, or take day off when children are ill, allows her to be home and do potty training herself, one year maternity, part time but yet 'equal' to her DHs full time wages, enough to pay for good lifestyle, pension, and private schools and save for childrens Uni....

Please someone tell me. I need to change job

Looking back towhen I ahd ds3 I found it incredibly hard to give upindependence, and I was deeply amazed how big a part of my identity my job had become: I think I had to forcibly stop myself starting every conversation @When I was employed by...' for a year . It was a big part of how I defined myself.

But life changes you; I chose not to go back after ds3 and went to college when he was about 14months, but now I wouldn't have a choice anyhow. I'm a carer and there aren't any jobs atm that would fit around the school bus run, and Dh will be at Uni so not able to do that himself (if and when he is here it will be 50 /50, always has been and was when I was a child; my expectations of Dh match my dad's involvement, DH's Mum ahd martyr syndrome and did everything, Dh wuld hate that. He's reading to ds4 atm whilst DS3 stimsa round him; reading a Maplin catalogue admittedly )

YOu have to be able to drop the titles / etc and being a SAHM has helped me develop that. Of course, I'd maybe feel less comfortable about the dependence if I ahdn't supported Dh in turn for a while. That does help. But I budget firmly with my carers Allowance anything I need and school costs 9trips etc); dh covrs the rest but I have to be mortifyingly broke to ask him for cash, I hate that.

I have just spent a while catching up on what happened after dh and I spent a pleasant evening together with dd, discussing our achievements and our goals for the following week.

I have been alternately outraged and amused by the various outpourings on both sides of the argument.

I had decided not to post again, but I can't resist....

DH and I are clearly blessed to have an equal partnership. For years I was the main breadwinner and during that period we agreed that if babies came along he would give up work and I'd carry on.

When dd finally arrived, I was earning less for the first time in 12 years and we discussed the logistics again. We decided I'd go back to work.

I went back when dd was 14 weeks old, because I'd started my job when I was pregnant and I felt responsible to my employer to go back as quickly as possible. I worked for 3 days a week from then til DD started school. I also ran a part time business in my spare time, usually when dd was in bed.

I never felt that I did either job well from that point. I wasn't such a good employee because I'd lost my rottweiller approach to work. I could no longer do whatever it took to get the job done and I felt like I was shortchanging my employer.

I wasn't being a good parent because I was tired, stressed and brought home negative feelings.

Logically we had choices. We were quite well off, comparatively, because I'd always worked and we'd never been overly materialistic. So I decided to do what I wanted to don. Not what my husband wanted me to do. Not what we had to do as a family. What I wanted to do.

What a fantastic way to be a good role model. To show my child that a woman can, if she works hard enough, have choices when she has her children. To show my dd that she can have a career. She can keep that career if she wants to. But if she wants to pack it in for a few years, because of kids or just because she wants to, she can.

It's also highlighting the qualities that are best in a DH. My DH has always been supportive, encouraging, understanding and a true partner, in every sense of the word.

I believe we all do the best we can as parents. I don't feel the urge to tell WOHMs they are wrong. They're not. They do the best they can for their children. If they do it joyfully, they are great role models for their kids. I don't feel the urge to highlight that they'll miss out on things. We all miss out on things. As has been clearly pointed out, we miss out on fall that money...all those pension payments...all that security. I think, however, that SAHMs do not miss out on intellectual stimulation. We don't miss out on challenges in our life and we don't screw up our whole lives by giving up work.

I don't feel the urge to insult the intelligence of the WOHM, their warmth, their compassion or their parenting skills. How nice it would be if some of them didn't feel the need to insult mine.

I am perfectly happy with my choice and though I find the views on here frustrating, annoying, amusing and enlightened in turn, none of them have changed my mind. Now I'm off to get ready for my weekend at home, just as many of you will be ENJOY!

She is a teacher LaQuitar the same job I have that means I hardly have any time with my child. But she is only part time though

Gosh

I didnt know part time teachers earn so much

Very good post Squilly

So why does it always have to be the mother who takes a day off when a child is sick etc

All employees are entitled to parental leave, whether male or female.

squilly..enjoy your weekend

Part-time around school hours. Dp is full-time, earns considerably more actually but works less. Wouldn't swap. He's a senior teacher in a school for severe EBD so the work is more demanding in different ways while he's there but what he brings home is limited. Being a teacher means we both have 13 weeks holiday a year paid. I DO bring work home but do it when the kids are in bed or they're at dance lessons this morning and I'm supposed to be marking now. Because dp and I both work but both have lots of time not at work we can take turns taking the kids places without them missing out at all. We do have to take time off when they're ill but we take turns at that too. In emergencies I like when their school closed for snow I can take the dcs into work with me. They sit at the back of the classroom drawing pics etc. They love that. It is tricky for me as you can imagine.

Yes, I know, I know, I'm lucky BUT I work hard. Dp works hard and we CHOSE this lifestyle and worked to get here. We didn't have children until we had this sort of stability and flexibility.

LaQ, I have never said I earned a lot.

But equally I've never complaiend about my earnings. Don't make assumptions.

Very good post, Squilly, and good posts from Riven.

And getting into teaching is not the hardest thing in the world if you want to. A degree then a PGCE. I did an MA and a couple of Diplomas too and worked a couple of years in a tough inner city secondary which nearly killed me before getting the job I have now and really love.

5c your dp works full-time but still finishes at 4pm. That isn't how it is for most people(well most people that I know). So I think that your family is in quite a unique position.
You have found a job that you can do during school hours, that pays well and that you enjoy.

I dont make assumptions.
You talk about private schools, earning equal , saving for childrens Uni etc yet you can do drop and pick up from school so i was just wondering if the rest of us have missed something.

will be harder now i think...alot of people who worked in banking/sales etc..will turn to teaching.

With respect you are lucky to find a nice teaching job fivecandles. I did 7 years and that was enough for me! Politics, control freaks, bitching was my experience of it.

When my 4 yr old said to me '...but mummy's don't work!' I knew it was time to start thinking about getting a job

As i said earlier i ve worked as nanny for high earners and they had a very good lifestyle but came with a prize.
They never came home before 7 pm, and always very tired, they never picked up kids from school or been there for sports day. Everything comes with a prize.
Thats why i was a bit surprised with your posts.