To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

That's the thing as well. If you are at home looking after kids many other aspects of life become divided too (usually along gender lines since it's usually the women at home). So men go out to work and might go for a drink after work and women are expected to do the housework as well as the childcare and really this sort of dynamic isn't very different from what life was like in the 50s. The thought of it for myself makes me quite anxious.

I completely understand, and agree, that she thinks that it is her job to ensure the household is well-run. But, logically, she out to include in that not being frazzled (or pretending to be frazzled) at the end of the day. Frazzled is for WOHMs, not SAHMs...

No, no, not frazzled. Very busy, very efficient and very organised. Lunches made, dinner in oven, shirts ironed. That sort of thing.

Really, something out of a 50s storybook.

And then her dp puts in requests for such an such item from the shopping or for dinner and so on and might complain about the cooking. Makes me shudder for myself.

fivecandles - but it really doesn't have to be like that. My DP earns a hell of a lot more than I do and does a very full-time job, yet yesterday afternoon I sent him a message to say that I wanted him to come home NOW as DD was ill and I hadn't been able to shop for the weekend - and he immediately cancelled his hairdresser's appointment and came home. And this afternoon I am going to a lecture with a friend/colleague from DD's school parent's association and DP is looking after all the children no questions asked. And on Tuesday I have asked him to make sure he is home by 6.30 pm (normal time is nearer 8 pm) and this is fine too...

Yes, loads Riven. Honestly it's been long, slow revelation to me too because I grew up in a family where the dynamics were like my own. My mum gave up cooking when we were about 5 and pretty much never did it again. My dad did the washing. They both worked.

Lots and lots of women whose lives haven't changed much for generations in terms of what's expected from them. And some who do go out to work and then still come home to all this as you say.

No, no it doesn't have to be like that Anna but if often is. And the power and money structure reinforces that.

The bottom line is that where the man is earning the money and the woman isn't he is likely to be in a position where he has more sway about how it is spent and of course he IS in a position where he can say he's not prepared to fund the SAHMs lifestyle at all.

TBH that's not necessariyl unfair or sexist. I think if I was out earning money I would expect more say in how dp lived his life.

Marks and Spencer did

that's very unfair and sexist fivecandles...and completely wrong...my dh earns the money...i spend it..he has never questioned me.

No, but whoever is earning the money is likely to have more say over how it is spent.

Isn't that legitimate?

And if that person decides that actually they no longer want to work while their partner doesn't unless s/he does x, y and z then there's not much that can be done is there?

If dp and I suddenly felt that we couldn't cope with our lifestyle any more and dp would give up his job and stay at home then I'm sure I would expect him to give up his gym membership and not spend too much on booze and I would expect him to shop and cook so we could be more frugal I suppose.

Not necessarily to do with whehter you're male and female (except that as was said earlier most men wouldn't or don't choose to stay at home) therefore not sexist. It's about the division of responsibilities. If one person's earning then the other person will naturally (have to) take on the lions share of everything else surely?

FC - it sounds as though you have come across bad examples of stay at home parenting and this has conditioned your views.

It is true that in some cases one is worse off financially as a result of a career break but it doesn't have to be the case. E.g when I return to work I am still young enough to retrain in a profession that might pay more than the original one so that in the long term I will be better off from having changed tack..can't prove this as I haven't done it yet but it is theoretically possible.

Money is important but it is not the be all and end all of life. If as a household you have a nice house and the children are getting a good education, and you can have nice holidays and put money aside for retirement what more do you need? You do not have to earn the maximum possible every day from 21 to 65 to have a happy life.

What if both parents work flat out in high powered city jobs for eg, and never take a break from their careers, become very stressed and one dies young..they will never have been able to enjoy all that money they put away for retirement.

I am quite offended by five candles and quattros posts. The message I am getting from you both is that the choice you have made is the correct one and anyone who makes a different choice is in some way inferior. You are also implying that society is worse off if one is a SAHM.

If you are as well educated as you claim to be you should take a more broadminded view of life and not look down others who do things differently.

Unless there's loads of money involved and then they get 'help' and the SAHM actually has the sort of lifestyle of a well to do Victorian lady except with the gym instead of embroidery no?

Oh but I have lots and lots of power in my household! Power and money do not always go hand in hand you know...

Negotiation skills are what women lack most IMVHO.

And as for living on M & S ready meals.....not that healthy is it.. although better than Asda ones I suppose