To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

LOL Mrs Mattie.

My DD says to me "I don't want a Nanny - just a Mummy!"

She also asks me who I am having lunch with and checks up on my movements during the day! As long as I am available for her outside school hours, we manage.

Juule, I have acknowledged that many times. But, as I say, my position was not a happy accident. DP and I planned and worked for the lifestyle that we now have. And while I don't complain we don't earn mega bucks. The likes of Xenia would be horrified.

And I've also said that this sort of lifestyle is not exclusive to teachers. I know all sorts of people on all sorts of incomes who combine paid work and looking after their kids. Driving instructors, GPs (lots of them at the dcs school), cleaners, dinner ladies, nurses, couples with their own business etc etc

BA.....how do you feel when your dd says that to you?...do you feel guilty?

Guilty??????? Why would I feel guilty?

But people have different priorities LaQ. I know one couple where money and high status jobs is hugely important and they had the sort of lifestyle you describe. Brilliant nannies, the best education for their kids but often tired or absent themselves. It doesn't have to be that way. Money and materialism is not important for us except in so far as we have security now and for our future and anything else everything else goes on our kids' education.

I don't see why me and DH should both work and juggle everything/get a 3rd party to look after kids just in the name of 'equality' or 'independence' when I am happy to stay home and he wants to work.

I also know many mums who would LOVE to stay home but can't as their DP is unwilling to cut back spending on material items/new phones etc, ie they got used to living a certain lifestyle. Why work (in these cases)just so your DP can throw more money away on tat?

'men who resent the fact that they have to work longer and harder to compensate for their partners loss of earnings and miss out on family life etc'

I read alot of men resent gender role confusion and many want to be the breadwinner. And I would dispute that they 'work harder' just because it's paid. Work was alot easier for me than looking after toddlers, refluxing babies all day etc etc.

well..if my dc said to me they didn't want a nanny just mummy...i'd feel a tiny bit guilty...possibly..maybe....who knows????

5c of course people can combine paid work with having children. Lots of people do it. However, some of those people are run ragged and don't see as much of their children as they would like to due to having to work long hours.
So in those cases it is sometimes better for one parent to stay at home while the other goes out to work. The whole family unit works better that way for them. So it gets irritating when people start to say derogatory things about the parent who stayed home. As riven has said it's a joint effort and both sides work as much as the other only in different ways and the income that that is earned by the woh is for the family.
And not everyone would be happy working as a teacher. You are fortunate in that you have found a job that you like that pays well and gives you the hours that suit you.

But she doesn't have a nanny! She is just trying to ensure she never gets one (of her own)!

'I don't see why me and DH should both work and juggle everything/get a 3rd party to look after kids just in the name of 'equality' or 'independence' when I am happy to stay home and he wants to work.'

Who does? Surely it's your choice - that's what equality is.

Lol B.A

Actually fivecandles, it always makes me give a wry smile when people assume that teaching is a job that 'fits around the children', because as a teacher, I certainly start earlier, and often finish later, than many of my non teaching friends. When my kids were younger, at nursery, it was only the handful of us who were teachers who had to pay double time for the nursery to open half an hour earlier (7.45 am) than the official start time, because there was no way we could drop our kids at 8.15 and get into work on time. There are many jobs where you don't need to start til 8.30 or even 9, but teaching isn't one of them!!

Haven't read whole thread, but I can't see any problem in saying that having working parents is a good role model for children ( I don't buy this gender thing - it's important for mums and dads, girls and boys). Of course there are plenty of other aspects of being a good role model, but I think if you want equality of the sexes, and you aspire to your children growing up and earning a living preferably in an interesting job, then I can't see why you wouldn't want to lead by example.

lol..BA..she's been watching nanny McPhee a bit too often...i get it now.

No, we are just surrounded by families with nannies (her brothers, schoolfriends etc). And she is sometimes looked after by other people's nannies. She is very sure that nannies are poor substitutes for Mummies. Grannies are OK, though!

Exactly violet - when I taught I was whacked at the end of the day. My 9-5 job now is really cushy in comparison, I even have the energy to do things in the evening!

jellybeans nobody is telling anybody else how to live their lives. I read a lot about SAHMs being defensive because they feel so attacked. Maybe so but not here.

Also I didn't mean men (or women) work harder because they go out to work but very often if one partner gives up a salary the other has to work harder to compensate for the loss of income which very often means that they are less able to participate in family life which means there is more pressure on the SAHM partner.

If dp gave up his job, I would have to work very much harder. I would have to be full tiem and more and therefore I owuld be at home less. In our case we can both combine both paid work and childcare but if either one of us started working more or less the balance would change.

She should join the debate BA

i'd love a nanny tbh....would love some time off sometimes.

juule, I have no argument there. I am not and never have said that WOHM or SAHM is better. WOHM works better for ME. There are cases where one or the other would clearly work better for someone else. And cases where couples decide the advantages of one or the other outweight the disadvantages but still acknowledge the disadvantages.

Some people are trying to turn this into a taking sides thing. But actually I don't think anyone is doing that.

Yes, daftpunk - Mummies are generally keener on nannies than children are!

5c I can see your point. I actually gave up my job (was f/t then p/t) so that DH could get a new job which he always dreamed of doing. It involved working shifts/away for long periods. He only works 39hrs usually though. If anything I could be resentful for having to give up work and never being able to fit round his hours. However I love SAH and it has enabled me to study and other things which I wouldn't have time for otherwise. I'd say even though he earns and I don't, I save us a bomb in childcare and enable him to do his job. So overall I feel equal.

It depends violethill. I would certainly struggle to do as much with my kids or to be at the school gates if I was full-time. Dp, as I say has a fairly unique job in teaching in that he has lots of responsibity but almost no marking. But all teachers do get 13 weeks off a year and can usually be home in the evenings and weekends. Even though you bring work home you can fit this around family life more than for example a surgeon or firefighter IYSWIM. I recognize that one of the hardest things for most WOHM is school holidays and as teachers we don't have that problem.

lol..BA..i guess so

It's swings and roundabouts isn't it fivecandles? - yes, the holidays are helpful (though mine don't always coincide with kids and DH!) but in terms of the working day, a teacher can't possibly drop their kids at school or pick them up unless they work in their own child's school for the entire time they attend - which wouldn't suit me or my kids!!

Aah, but I work a condensed day to fit around school hours and I picked the dcs' school because it is a 5 minute drive from my work. I can be dropping them off at 8.45 and teaching at 9 a.m!