To be sick of reading on MN that you are a "good role model" to your dd if you go back to work??

[ssd]

have read this over various posts on MN over the years

usually posters give various reasons to return to work, all viable and good, but then the poster throws in the "good role model" shite

why always harp back to this?

if you love your kids, teach them to respect and care for others, learn manners and discipline THEN you are a good role model

most of us eventually will return to work at some stage and if we don't we will still be good role models unless we are lying about the house taking drugs and leaving the kids to go feral, which I;m sure not too many of us do!

I know I'll get slated on here as the going back to work to be a good role model line seems to be very poplular round here and I'm not trying to wind up posters who use it, it just seems to me people work out of necessity, not to be a role model

And BTW where's all the role models for ds's??? or is just loving them enough?

you're very right laquitar, one of the saddest thing ever is seeing little children in tears at our school sports day because their nanny isn't there!

And my favourite nanny (who had me from 4-9 years) was invited to my wedding and in fact I spent about an hour at the reception catching up with her!

I also know that I found it very upsetting when my different nannies moved on because they were my sole carer and I'd bonded with them to such a degree.

Who would assume that?
I think many women would love a job where they could pick up and drop off at school time.
You have worked things so that your children are at home with you when not in school. Obviously that is important to you.
Lots of people can't find jobs that make that possible.

Yes I don't understand why you are saying that people would assume you are missing out on anything fc.

Most people would say you have the holy grail of work life balance.

(Although Xenia of course would say you have the worst of all worlds )

Yes, I've never suggested otherwise. But, you know, lots can and do and it's important to acknowledge that.

"Bring up our children in love, security and joy. It's not a 'job', it's just what we do. And we do it in different ways." Oh the voice of reason! You have put that so well!

Everyone WORRIES so much about stuff these days. When I was a pre-schooler, my mum was dying of cancer in hospital, my sister and I, and my dad I think, were living with my grandparents (on a council estate). One of my aunties had an "out of wedlock" baby and was still living at home with my baby cousin, and my other aunt was still a teenager. My grandparents, and my dad all worked.

I can't even remember WHO looked after me. Or how they all managed in such a difficult time. But they managed, and my sister and I both went on to the grammar school/University. I felt deprived of my mum, but only as a much older child, and because she wasn't there AT ALL.

depends on your job, i don't know anyone in a senior private sector job who hasn't felt pressurised into coming back after 6-9 months.

but anyway, didn't really mean to emphasise the breast-feeding thing, was just an example.

Loads of the parents at my dcs school either have the mum working a job around school hours or the mum and dad share drop offs and collections or they make use of grandma or friends or before and after school club or a combination. What I'm saying is that working doesn't mean that you or your kids necessarily miss out on the things a WOHM does.

I think some working mums do miss out but for lots of us that is just something we have to deal with. I dont get to do sports days, school plays unless they are in an evening and missed the last parents evening as it clashed with one in my school. I rarely get to do the bedtime story but in return I get the holidays which most working mothers do not have and I have a job that I get a lot of satisfaction from. Most of us cannot have it all.

But lizzid that sort of pressure needs to change. And it shouldn't be just the woman who takes time off. As always the Scandinavians have it right. There is much more equality when it comes to working and parenting and better childcare.

Well I could never get a drop of milk out with those breastpumps..there is no way I would have been able to express and work. (please don't anyone give me any tips - those days are long gone!)

Good for those that can express though!

LaQuitar - yes, I know I will have missed out but that's OK, I can live with that. I don't feel the need to tick the boxes of all the firsts I did with my children. I'm not that posessive. My son's first steps were on a Sunday when I was out with my DH. That's the way it is. His granny saw him instead. Or it might have been when we weren't watching despite being at home. Who knows? His first drawing didn't come out ready-made, I think I was there at first scribbles. His first word, again, how do you qualify that? When he said mamamamama but not directed at me or when he said it directed at me? Does it count when he said something that sounded like a word but wasn't one yet? As I've said, I can live with that. And thank God his carers weren't into country & western music. That would have scarred him for life.

DaftPunk - genuine quesion; where did you get the figure "95% of women who work only work for the money...fact."

??

And even if that is coroborated how do you follow a statistical fact with an opinion that, "so i guess that is a good role model isn't it?...better than sitting around being poor."

It's not that I disagree with you at all - most women around the world must 'work', so I guess that's where the stat comes from..the 5% anomoly is us lot in the west.

I think the issue is the whole picture too. Parenting is so much more than being there when your child takes his or her first steps (which he won't remember anyway). In my own case I really worry about being able to help my kids through university and being able to afford for dp and I to retire on a decent pension without relying on them and being able to afford a good education etc, etc I worry irrationally about what would happen to my kids if something happened to me and so on...

so you think that by not PROVIDIING for my dcs fututre i am being err selfish Fivecandles?

I dont think 5candles called anyone selfish.

i agree, hence my suggestion that there should be an option of funding for nursery or for extended maternity leave or tax breaks to benefit SAHM.

And I agree it shouldn't be just women who take this option, just that someone made the point earlier, quite well that it would be more likely to be women because more women choose to. There shouldn't be the stigma attached to being a SAHD that there is but I personally don't believe thats the only reason that there are so many more SAHM than SAHDs.

And personally, if I had been able to choose one parent to stay at home with me I'd have picked my dad because he was far more 'caring' in the traditional sense than my mum, gentler, more patient, easier to talk to, etc.

I think I felt more resentment towards my mum for going out to work than I did towards my dad because he never suggested he found looking after us boring and he never seemed to enjoy the foreign travel (and thus in my mind at the time the opportunity to be away from us) the way my mum did.

having said all this, I love my mum very much and have a good relationship with her now as I can accept that she made the what she thought were the right choices at the time, she was breaking the glass ceiling, doing what made her happy and ensuring we had enough money for a good education, etc but it still f*cked me up at the time.

TBH I am a bit cynical about people opting out of making a financial provision for their children. Equality cuts both ways. If I expect DH to take his turn with the housework and childcare, I should equally accept a share of financial responsibility.

sorry, as most women who 'work' still are poor. in global stats that is. In globa; terms, working is tilling fields. growei9ng food, sewing, prostetution - anything that will keep your kids alive. We really have a skewed idea about what life is like for most people in the world. It's comparable to watching Life on Earth or other natural history stuff..most mothers struggle just like the marsh pride lions or cheetahs or leopards - ther analogy is very thin actually. It pisses me off that there is an illusion of differnce vbetween the African wild animans and many (especiually the women and kids) of the African 'domesticated' human.. There isn't. What you are watching is the struggle of life that we have been freed from for a time. It can't last.

I work becasue I have to and might even if I didn't have to (not been allowed the luxury of that choice so don;t spent much time mulling on it)

I don't think I'm a role model to anyone, I don't know many working mothers who think they are (they are generally to tired to care).

I spend more time with my DS than any other single person in his life.

I'm so glad I don't use a nanny like laquitar. But then I only know one other mother who uses/can afford a nanny so I suspect she is not talking about people like me!

Just a few random statements about my life.

95% of statistics are made up on the spot. Fact.

Can't stand the way people are so defensive NOtAn.

I was talking about my PERSONAL worries. And saying that parenting is for life.
People prioritise different parts of it and people's priorities change.

Some parent think there's nothing more important than being at home for the first 4 years, others think it's important they are there at the school gates every morning and afternoon, others think it's crucial to be able to provide the best private education, others that their children are given the opportunity to be olympic athletes etc etc

twinset not directly

but

'being able to afford for dp and I to retire on a decent pension without relying on them ' seems to infer that a none working parent will 'rely on them'

sorry was agreeing with 5candles earlier point, not saying notanotter is selfish

Oh I wouldn't worry too much about that lots of people don't help their children through university-many working class children have done very well even with parents who are not in position to help them.

my personal choice is to sahm

i INVEST in that

day in day out

educating my children so that they will go out into the world and be able to not only fulfil their potential but also give a great deal to society or to their family

i dont preach about doing things for others though