to think that men should not expect their wives/partners to remain the 'sex kittens' they once were after having children

[Toppy]

I read this article Where did my sex kitten go? today in the Sunday Times on the tube whilst having a rare toddler free 'me day' courtesy of my DH. (Weirdly it is listed under Women online but was in the Men's Special Style section today)

My jaw just dropped open and hung there for the duration of the article then I sat in shock as I took his opinions in.
AIBU in my utter disgust at this man or have I become so like the woman he wrote about that I am unable to appreciate his point of view?
My gut instinct a year on from having my first child (and putting my career on serious pause) is to think he is an utter t**t but a tiny part of me wondered if all DHs secretly wonder where their 'sex kitten' has gone (not that I ever was one) even if they were up for having kids in the first place.

Since having my DS I have let myself get fat, don't have the libido I once had and am indeed pretty wrapped up in my 1 year old but I would like to pray that this would not force DH to go out and have an affair !
Is Simon Jones' article food for thought or is the author a prize ** ?

(sorry for the asterisks - I am so wound up by this article though)

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I think saying briskly 'o what have you got to worry about' is not, really, particularly pleasant or supportive.

Some of us just find the whole shift to parenthood pretty awful, for quite a long time. I did. I find it easier now. But I still miss my Real Life.

coppertop, I hope I had made it clear that I am not cracking the whip about people who have had real difficulties - babies who never sleep must be near the top of the list of hard things to cope with.

I'm concerned about a more general point that a baby per se does not and should not mean 'chaos' in your life, particularly not if you have the love and support of the other parent.

I think the assumption that babies are so hard and so difficult is infantalising women and making a lot of first time parents unnecessarily scared.

Pruners, I wish I was lacking in imagination. Perhaps I have become quite hardened and callous after what I have seen. My default position remains, for a lot of people; get a grip.

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sorry for misreading your post. But you still posed the interesting question - why do those who do, let it happen? particularly when they've got all the tools to stop it - intelligence, money, support etc.

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I think you sound a bit bitter that other women have a partner actually. As I said, I don't but actually I have realised that sometimes that's a bit of a blessing, especially in the first year. I didn't have anyone telling me to pull myself together

Pruners, I sense you are still irked.

Sadly do not have the time to embark on long thread reading, shouldn't even be doing this but have got sucked in again.

spicemonster, i believe the phrase is 'no shit sherlock'

Of course I'm incredibly bitter. This isn't what I signed up for at all. I am bitter and furious that her father can conceive a child and then sod off, leaving me to pick up the pieces and try to explain to her.

I know a unsupportive knobend of a partner is worse than no partner at all, but sometimes I read threads here about people moaning about their other halves, who sound quite nice really and it makes me cross and sad. If you are lucky enough to have a kind loving supportive partner, bloody well appreciate it.

Must have missed the memo that stated that due to the fact I am a woman I must cope with every little bit of shit that comes my way or I will be letting the side down.

I'm sorry, that hasn't been my experience so I'm not surprised you're angry. I find it pretty interesting that you don't seem to consider the bloke who wrote this article to be an unsupportive knobend because that's exactly how he comes across to me!

I can't actually think of any women I know who haven't been really together after they've had children. I don't know a single one who's put on pounds or sat around in dressing gowns. Most of them seem very glamorous to me. I struggle to make it out of the door without food smeared on me personally

Sorry I meant to say - after a reasonable amount of time. I reckon you have 6 months after the birth of a child to legitimately sit around and think 'WTF??!'. It was a bloody big shock to my Blackberry-organised lifestyle to have this mewling thing around that didn't stick to any kind of timetable and it took me 6 months to figure out how to be both people - loving mum and on the ball professional. Doesn't it for most of us?

Oh FFS, Elizabeth Barrett Browning almost certainly had asthma or similar in the days before it was treatable. She wasn't just having a lie down for the hell of it.

Sounds like you are doing a fair bit of derogation of rivals, Spero - why, is your business.

...my friend's husband would not let her pick the baby up after he came home because "she should now pay attention to him".

!!!!!

Baby was crying...she picked him up...he tried to drag the baby out of her arms...cut to 8 months later to divorce on ground of unreasonable behaviour...

Some men really do think their wives exist only for them and the kids are an incidental happening.

If the man in the atricle was that unhappy he should have paid for: a nanny, a cleaner, a gardener, a laundry maid and a cook. Then his wife would have had loads of time to go to the gym and put on makeup.
Mind you, sounds like a 1 year old would make a better companion than he would!!!! No wonder the wife prefers the kids.

I am tempted to post "perhaps your wife thinks you are no longer attractive as you are intrinsically revolting" at the bottom of the article.

Do it Miggsie!

Actually can you comment? Often when the author of an article is that revolting they suspend comments.

I might put "you are a bell end" just to see whether the moderator allows it.

Actually, I think that the whole "women used to cope very well and we've all gone soft" is completely wrong. My grandmother was "ill" after having both of her children (PND? birth trauma?) and told me that she had to take to her bed while her mother looked after the babies. My Mum had a lot of support from her neighbours who all had children the same age. We used to play together while the Mums had a chance to chat or catch up on things.

And my Dad and FIL (in their 60s) have both told me that they don't know how I've coped with two non-sleepers and are really impressed.

Miggsie - am deeply at your friend's exH - what a knob. Presumably she wasn't aware of his innate knobbiness when she married him?

I agree with Spero also and come at it from a different angle of having twins and no family around for support. My DH is helpful and hands on but does work full time so i take on the majority of the childcare and household managment.

With two babies to care for you simply cannot drop everything and jump at the first peep (as I see many parents do) it doesnt harm them to have to wait for things. In fact i think it may be beneficial. We had a routine and stuck with it. I was back to pre preg size 10 after about 6 months. For me though not for anyone else. I enforced lots of naps and trained them to sleep through the night by 14 weeks - for my sanity. I guess my parenting style would probably be deemed more oldfashioned now, but it worked perfectly for me and my DTS's.

All the interfearence (sp?) from 'childcare experts', the media and the government have turned childrearing into a circus of guilt. Women are brow beaten into thinking that putting your child first and not putting them down are the same thing. They are NOT.

We somehow have got to the point where if you are not entertaining or responding to every whim of a baby 24 hours a day you are not a good mother. This is insane.

I have to bite my tongue when i visit my friend who has one 7 month old and cant leave him alone to take a shower! Get a grip.

I read the article by Simon at the weekend. Is he even a real person? What an arse. I believe it is obviously your right as a mother to become completely absorbed by your baby but I dont believe your life should have to unravel. After all, babies grow up.

Mine are now 5. A year ago i started a MSC with the OU and am also project managing a self build. I love my kids but I have the right to my own life too.

This article is GODAWFUL and the author deserves to be reborn as a dung beetle, endlessly rolling shit. YANBU

I have a

But you too are making the mistake of thinking "I did XYZ and it worked for me. Therefore those who had a different experience just aren't trying hard enough."

No amount of sleep training would have had any effect on my two boys. The only thing that got ds2 to sleep for longer than 4 hours out of every 24 (not all in one go either) was a prescription from a Paediatrician, and even that doesn't keep them asleep.

If dd had been my first and only child then I might well have found it all relatively easy to manage everything. I sincerely hope though that if I'd gone round telling others who were less fortunate to "get a grip" that they would have either given me a swift kick up the arse to help me out the door or told me just how ridiculous I was being.

X-posted with JJsandcat.