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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want a little cheering up? Please tell me a joke.

114 replies

chegirl · 13/03/2009 20:56

Someone please tell me something funny. It hasnt been the worst week in my life but it has been a tad unsettling.

Last weekend my DS1 bought his girlfriend home and I met her mother. They were lovely. But my DD never got to have a boyfriend and I still find being around teenage girls a bit difficult. I am glad my DS has a lovely girlfriend but now feel guilty for feeling like this.
Tuesday had to go into school to fill in this long ol form to help DS2 get his statement started. After going through the whole sad saga of his early life and how it affects him (always stirs up difficult feelings) it has now been suggested that he could have Aspergers - again I am not distraught but, well, y'know.
Then I was discussing a few things with someone and then the subject of my DDDDD came up and her response was 'well we all have our crosses to bear chegirl' she went on to tell me all about herself and her (alive, healthy child).
Found out a wonderful young mum died this week (stupid bloody cancer again) leaving her equally wonderful OH and two kids.
I went to a meeting of some bereaved parents and we were joined by a new couple (to the group). I was distressed to see them there because I had no idea their child had died.
Got a birthday card from my DS2's birth grandmother (who is a close relation to my OH). It had 'to my dear grand dad' on the front of it - couldnt be arsed to find him a proper card (she is not old she is my age).
DS3 has a cold (yes I know its only a cold) but the kids being ill freaks me out (though I hide it so well
Anyway today is Friday and I know that I am lucky to have my beautiful boys and my wonderful OH and my home and I am starting my first job sice DDDDD was diagnosed. SO I know all is not crap but a couple of rude jokes would be fab.

Oh and btw Cancer is fecking crap (big sticking out tongue, rasberry blowing smilie)

Stop me feeling so sorry for myself and bive me a laff please. Ta.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 21:06

36 DD breasts,
covered in warm belgium chocolate...1 inch erect nipples pierced with gold nipple rings topped with devonshire clotted cream....clean shaven minge framed by an open crotched leather thong...moist salty clit smothered in handmade blackberry jam...

Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 21:08

This is not ordinary porn...........this is M & S Porn!

Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 21:09
chegirl · 13/03/2009 21:20

You headcase Mumcenterplus! Thank you for that

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 21:28

Your Welcome hun

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 21:41

DS1 favourite joke:
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs/

A wonky donkey

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 21:41

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey

chegirl · 13/03/2009 21:43

The calibre of these jokes are astounding.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 21:44

What do you call a farting donkey with 3 legs and one eye?

A stinky, winky, wonky donkey

slowreadingprogress · 13/03/2009 21:44

There's this head. No body, just a head.

It's his birthday. Mum and Dad wish Head a happy birthday and tell him "Darling, we have the most fantastic present for you!"

Head - "aw It's not another fucking hat, is it?"

or how about

Why didn't Worzel Gummidge have sex with Aunt Sally?

Because he didn't have his Fucking Head on

Shitemum · 13/03/2009 21:45

Had to have a look at your profile as I don't know your story - your daughter was beautiful, really lovely. So sorry for your loss.

P.S. I found the 'Crap tips' thread funny...

BitOfFun · 13/03/2009 21:46

A blonde takes her car to get fixed at the garage, and the mechanic tells her "It's nothing serious love, just shit in the air filter". "Brilliant", she says, "How often do I have to do that then?"

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 21:47

What do you call a piano-playing,farting, 3 legged one-eyed donkey?

A plinky- plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

I could go on...

(Apologies to any disabled asses out there )

Tidey · 13/03/2009 21:49

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!"

nannyogg · 13/03/2009 21:49

I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal - a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu

(sorry you've had such a crappy week)

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 21:49

DS1 is 45 (nah, not really)

chegirl · 13/03/2009 21:52

I AM laughing (that could be the valium though)

More donkey madness please.

I will check out the crap tips thread.
I am so glad I have given Slow and Bitof a chance to be crude tonight.

More please.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 13/03/2009 21:53

You know us well ...racks brain for more...

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 21:54

I am shite at remembering jokes.

This is DS2s favourite joke (he is 43 ...nah, not really)

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling very well

Tidey · 13/03/2009 21:55

There's been a new addition to the Karma Sutra.
It's called the gas board position - you stay
in all day and nobody comes.

georgiemum · 13/03/2009 21:56

DSs fave...
what do cats eat for breakfast?

Meoooow seli

he doesn't really 'get it' but he does laugh!

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 21:57

You asked for it !

What do you call a tall, piano-playing, farting,one-eyed, 3-legged donkey?

A lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

womblingfree · 13/03/2009 21:58

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

brimfull · 13/03/2009 21:59

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books
of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice
you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free
box
of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do
with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and
about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 22:00

What do you call a cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3 -legged donkey?

A funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey