To want a little cheering up? Please tell me a joke.

[chegirl]

Someone please tell me something funny. It hasnt been the worst week in my life but it has been a tad unsettling.

Last weekend my DS1 bought his girlfriend home and I met her mother. They were lovely. But my DD never got to have a boyfriend and I still find being around teenage girls a bit difficult. I am glad my DS has a lovely girlfriend but now feel guilty for feeling like this.
Tuesday had to go into school to fill in this long ol form to help DS2 get his statement started. After going through the whole sad saga of his early life and how it affects him (always stirs up difficult feelings) it has now been suggested that he could have Aspergers - again I am not distraught but, well, y'know.
Then I was discussing a few things with someone and then the subject of my DDDDD came up and her response was 'well we all have our crosses to bear chegirl' she went on to tell me all about herself and her (alive, healthy child).
Found out a wonderful young mum died this week (stupid bloody cancer again) leaving her equally wonderful OH and two kids.
I went to a meeting of some bereaved parents and we were joined by a new couple (to the group). I was distressed to see them there because I had no idea their child had died.
Got a birthday card from my DS2's birth grandmother (who is a close relation to my OH). It had 'to my dear grand dad' on the front of it - couldnt be arsed to find him a proper card (she is not old she is my age).
DS3 has a cold (yes I know its only a cold) but the kids being ill freaks me out (though I hide it so well
Anyway today is Friday and I know that I am lucky to have my beautiful boys and my wonderful OH and my home and I am starting my first job sice DDDDD was diagnosed. SO I know all is not crap but a couple of rude jokes would be fab.

Oh and btw Cancer is fecking crap (big sticking out tongue, rasberry blowing smilie)

Stop me feeling so sorry for myself and bive me a laff please. Ta.

screaming - am cut and pasting not typing!

What do you call a dirty, well-built, black and white, cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3-legged donkey with a pink mohican and a copy of Playboy?

A wanky, skanky, punky, hunky, skunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

Ok, lowering the tone a bit now I must admit...

I am not sure I can take much more of this! Its exhausting me.

I did see the sketch screaming I thought it was funny but as I am the only 40 something woman on the planet who hasnt seen the film I may not have got the most out of it.

Outnumbered was funny (despite my usual hatred of middleoftheroadmiddleclasssitcoms) Its very funny.

I am listening to R7 and that usually makes me laugh.

Thank you all for your sterling efforts. How kind .

rof1 mumcentrep1us

lol BofF

This is turning out to be one hell of a donkey!

Bloke who runs a deli speaking to his mate:

"Caught Fred sticking his cock in the bacon slicer again"

"what did you do?"

"sacked him"

"what about the bacon slicer?"

"sacked her as well"

gibberish

We both missed out lanky !

Message withdrawn

Dont forget Swanky, twanky (as in widow), dinky, slinky and honky'
Go on, I dare yah!

Aww I had just typed out a really funny joke and my browser crashed grrrr.

It had chickens and frogs in it. You'd probably have heard it anyway.

That's prob because I copied and pasted from you

I feel at this point that I should point out I am VERY blonde.

Sigh - as if my week wasnt hard enough

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of dry leaves?

Russel!!

wombling Yes, this has gone far beyond what my 8 year old started.

che Can't say you've missed much not seeing Mamma Mia - lots of squealing women (I always squeal when I see my friends, I find....)

A man goes hunting and kills a deer. He takes it home to cook for tea, but doesnt tell the kids what it is.
"I'll give you a hint, its what mum calls me sometimes."
Little girl screams, "Dont eat it, its a fucking arsehole!!"

Alfie Patten, the 13 yo father, has joined the 'fathers for justice' group.
In an interview, he said "It made sense, as I already have a spiderman outfit".

I'm so blonde (actually dark brown) that I didn't realise you could cut and paste.

I am officially retiring from this jokeathon, or I won't get to sleep for thinking about donkeys (oo-er missus).

che, glad to be of help (keep away from that Jeremy Kyle, he'll do your head in) xxx

Ok here goes...

What do you call a grumpy, swish, theatre-going, tiny, skinny, overtly sexual, sex-mad, dirty, well-built, poorly constructed,black and white, cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3-legged donkey with a pink mohican and a copy of Playboy?

A cranky, Swanky, twanky (as in widow), dinky, slinky, honky, hanky-panky, wanky, skanky, shonky, punky, hunky, skunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

A blonde is driving her car, and sees another blonde in a cornfield, sitting in a rowing boat, paddling the oars like mad.
She gets out of her car and shouts over, "People like you are a fucking disgrace, its no wonder blondes have a bad name, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse"

Gibberish, Do you need a lie down now? Well done

I can go to bed now, all warm and feeling uplifted.

Thank you so much.

Please carry on in my absence. I will be checking tommorow.

Ta x

Strange1y enough.. yes

So g1ad you are fee1ing happier. Sweet dreams.

gibberish I doff (sp.) my cap to you. Night all!

hehe night!

OK here is a muso joke...
A drummer gets so fed up of everyone taking the piss out of him because everyone knows that drummers are stupid.. so he decides he's going to be a guitarist instead.
He goes into a shop and tells the bloke behind the counter that he wants to buy a guitar, some strings, a plectrum.
And the blokie behind the counter says, 'You're a drummer, aren't you?';
And the drummer says, 'No. I'm a guitarist, that's why I want all this guitar shit.'
And the bloke behind the counter says, 'You#'re definitely a drummer.'
This continues for a while, until the drummer says, 'How did you know I was a drummer when I asked for a guitar and guitar strings and a plectrum?'
The bloke says: 'Because this is a fish and chip shop.'

(Me and my mates got hours of fun out of adapting this joke to any manner of professions...)

a couple go to a chinease restaurent,
the waiter brings over a large pop.
the wife lifts up the lid to see two beady eyes looking at her,
she shrieks.
husband lifts up lid, sees same two beady eyes,

waiter waiter what is this in our meal?

oh, it must be the peeking duck!