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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a little cheering up? Please tell me a joke.

114 replies

chegirl · 13/03/2009 20:56

Someone please tell me something funny. It hasnt been the worst week in my life but it has been a tad unsettling.

Last weekend my DS1 bought his girlfriend home and I met her mother. They were lovely. But my DD never got to have a boyfriend and I still find being around teenage girls a bit difficult. I am glad my DS has a lovely girlfriend but now feel guilty for feeling like this.
Tuesday had to go into school to fill in this long ol form to help DS2 get his statement started. After going through the whole sad saga of his early life and how it affects him (always stirs up difficult feelings) it has now been suggested that he could have Aspergers - again I am not distraught but, well, y'know.
Then I was discussing a few things with someone and then the subject of my DDDDD came up and her response was 'well we all have our crosses to bear chegirl' she went on to tell me all about herself and her (alive, healthy child).
Found out a wonderful young mum died this week (stupid bloody cancer again) leaving her equally wonderful OH and two kids.
I went to a meeting of some bereaved parents and we were joined by a new couple (to the group). I was distressed to see them there because I had no idea their child had died.
Got a birthday card from my DS2's birth grandmother (who is a close relation to my OH). It had 'to my dear grand dad' on the front of it - couldnt be arsed to find him a proper card (she is not old she is my age).
DS3 has a cold (yes I know its only a cold) but the kids being ill freaks me out (though I hide it so well
Anyway today is Friday and I know that I am lucky to have my beautiful boys and my wonderful OH and my home and I am starting my first job sice DDDDD was diagnosed. SO I know all is not crap but a couple of rude jokes would be fab.

Oh and btw Cancer is fecking crap (big sticking out tongue, rasberry blowing smilie)

Stop me feeling so sorry for myself and bive me a laff please. Ta.

OP posts:
Original poster
chegirl · 13/03/2009 22:20

Yep I am still here. Who the feck needs Comic Relief hey?

I love the genteel little jokes mixed in with the filth.

The whold donkey motif is spinning out of control

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 22:20

Clearly not giving up

Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 22:20

hahaha ...what do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?.....BOB!

SlartyBartFast · 13/03/2009 22:20

i heard this earlier

they have taken the word gullible out of the dictionary

sausagetits · 13/03/2009 22:22

A man takes his dog to the vet as he has a squint.

"Oh dear, I'm going to have to put him down," said the vet.

"Because he's crosseyed?" asks the man?

" No, beacuse he's heavy"

Boom boom.

Hope your weekend is better than your week.

Oh one more....
A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a Double Entendre. So the barman gives her one.

Boom boom

fryalot · 13/03/2009 22:22

what do you call a blind deer?

no idea

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 22:22

chegirl Did you see the Mamma Mia sketch on Comic Relief? v.v. funny

fryalot · 13/03/2009 22:22

what do you call a blind, lame deer?

still no idea

nannyogg · 13/03/2009 22:22

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

(see what I did there?)

fryalot · 13/03/2009 22:23

what do you call a blind, lame deer that happens to be on top of another deer?

still no fucking idea

subtlemouse · 13/03/2009 22:23

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No Idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still No Idea

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh

subtlemouse · 13/03/2009 22:24

sorry xpost!

SlartyBartFast · 13/03/2009 22:24

the winner takes it all was really funny

Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 22:25

what do you call a man whith a sea-gull on his head?...............Cliff

gibbberish · 13/03/2009 22:25

S1arty, my dd1 be1ieved that... dd2 shrieked with 1aughter for hours afterwards

fryalot · 13/03/2009 22:25

oooh, subtlemouse, you'll have to add my last one to your repertoire

What do you call a bear without any ears?

B

fryalot · 13/03/2009 22:26

What do you call a man with a plank on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with three planks on his head?

Edward Woodward

gibbberish · 13/03/2009 22:26

Che, hoping you are fee1ing a bit better...

Did you hear what happened to the paper boy?

He b1ew away...

Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 22:26

What do you call a man with a car on his head...............Jack!

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 22:28

Right

What do you call a poorly constructed, dirty well-built, black and white, cool, tall,jazz piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3 legged donkey

A shonky, skanky, hunky, punky, skunky, funky, honky-tonky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donky

Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 22:28

ok....blondes beware..do not be insulted I love you all!....what do you call 3 blondes unders a Christmas Tree?...

subtlemouse · 13/03/2009 22:28

Try again...

This one is my son's favourite.

How do you stop moles from digging up your garden?

Hide the shovel.

gibbberish · 13/03/2009 22:29

What do you call a sex-mad, poorly constructed, dirty well-built, black and white, cool, tall,jazz piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3 legged donkey

A hanky-panky, shonky, skanky, hunky, punky, skunky, funky, honky-tonky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donky

Mumcentreplus · 13/03/2009 22:30

ahem ...Ho Ho Ho

BitOfFun · 13/03/2009 22:30

A man gets his cock lopped off in machinery at work and it can't be saved, so he goes to the doctor who gives him his options of prosthetic cocks. There's a four inch one on the NHS, a seven inch one which vibrates if he goes private, but its 2 grand, or the super-deluxe 12 incher from BUPA which vibrates and the end twirls round, for twelve thousand quid....he considers it and brings his wife in from the waiting room to consult her. "Darling," she says, "We're not well off, it's going to have to be the NHS one." "Oh look love," he says, "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity- I've got a small pension and a critical illness policy, and an endowment policy I can cash in...what do you reckon?"

The doctor says he will leave the room to let them discuss it and come back in ten minutes. He comes back in and asks if they've made a decision..."Yes!" says the wife, "We're getting a new kitchen!"