To want a little cheering up? Please tell me a joke.

[chegirl]

Someone please tell me something funny. It hasnt been the worst week in my life but it has been a tad unsettling.

Last weekend my DS1 bought his girlfriend home and I met her mother. They were lovely. But my DD never got to have a boyfriend and I still find being around teenage girls a bit difficult. I am glad my DS has a lovely girlfriend but now feel guilty for feeling like this.
Tuesday had to go into school to fill in this long ol form to help DS2 get his statement started. After going through the whole sad saga of his early life and how it affects him (always stirs up difficult feelings) it has now been suggested that he could have Aspergers - again I am not distraught but, well, y'know.
Then I was discussing a few things with someone and then the subject of my DDDDD came up and her response was 'well we all have our crosses to bear chegirl' she went on to tell me all about herself and her (alive, healthy child).
Found out a wonderful young mum died this week (stupid bloody cancer again) leaving her equally wonderful OH and two kids.
I went to a meeting of some bereaved parents and we were joined by a new couple (to the group). I was distressed to see them there because I had no idea their child had died.
Got a birthday card from my DS2's birth grandmother (who is a close relation to my OH). It had 'to my dear grand dad' on the front of it - couldnt be arsed to find him a proper card (she is not old she is my age).
DS3 has a cold (yes I know its only a cold) but the kids being ill freaks me out (though I hide it so well
Anyway today is Friday and I know that I am lucky to have my beautiful boys and my wonderful OH and my home and I am starting my first job sice DDDDD was diagnosed. SO I know all is not crap but a couple of rude jokes would be fab.

Oh and btw Cancer is fecking crap (big sticking out tongue, rasberry blowing smilie)

Stop me feeling so sorry for myself and bive me a laff please. Ta.

A man goes into a sweet shop and asks for a Boost, a Twirl and a Topic.

The shop assistant says: "Nice eyes," spins around, and then says: "Gordon Brown: hero or villain?"

what goes ha ha bonk?

a man laughing his head off

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was a bit rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

We are on fire, people !!!!

An air hostess found a blonde woman sitting in the first class section of the plane when she should have been in economy.

After trying several times to get her to shift, a man came up and said, 'Let me try'. The hostess agreed and watched as he went over, whispered in the blonde's ear and she smiled, thanked him and moved to the ecomony section of the plane.

Astonished - the hostess asked him what he had said, and he replied "Oh I just told her this part of the plane wasn't going to New York!"

What do you ca11 a teacher with no arms, 1egs, or body?

The Head.

A postman is on the last day of his round before retirement when a beautiful housewife invites him in, gives him the most amazing shag of his life and then cooks him a delicious full english...

He is astonished and truly grateful..."why have you done this for me though?" he asks. "Well," she replies, "I told my husband it was your last day and asked him what kind of a tip we should give you. He said 'Fuck him!'...but breakfast was my idea!"

Did you hear about the man who got his viagra and his sleeping tablets mixed up?

He ended up going for 40 wanks.

I'm just hauling out all the old Tommy Cooperisms.

'Doctor Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home"

'Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me'

'Oh, is that a common disease?'

'It's not unusual.'

What's blue and white and can't climb trees?
A fridge wearing a denim jacket

Why were men invented?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn...

why do dogs like trees?

they have a lot of bark

What do you call a black and white, cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3-legged donkey?

A skunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

(I'm just making them up now really .......)

A coup1e of hunters are out in the woods when one fa11s to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have ro11ed back in his head.

The other b1oke pu11s out his mobi1e and dia1s 999. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

The operator, in a ca1m, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can he1p. First, 1et's make sure he's dead.'

There is a si1ence, then a shot is heard. The b1oke's voice comes back on the 1ine. He says: 'Okay, now what?'

chegirl-sorry you're feeling so blue at the moment.

Couldn't resist joining in...

What do you call a well-built, black and white, cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3-legged donkey?

A hunky, skunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

Over to you screaming...!

You still there che ?

*wombling, you are a saviour! Is this going to turn into some kind of donkey-off joke competition?

whats brown and sticky?....

A stick! ...that was truly terrible..lol

What do you call a dirty, well-built, black and white, cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3 legged donkey?

A skanky, hunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky, donkey

Ok - it's no good I've got another one:

What do you call a well-built, black and white, cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3-legged donkey with a pink mohican?

A punky, hunky, skunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

Over and out!!!

mumcentre get your coat! That makes my joke look like Eddie Izzard

how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

wi' jammin

What do you call a dirty, well-built, black and white, cool, tall, jazz piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3-legged donkey with a pink mohican?

A skanky, punky, hunky, skunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky honky-tonky donkey

wombling You giving up?

(they are a bugger to type aren't they?)

ROFL at Squonk!