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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want a little cheering up? Please tell me a joke.

114 replies

chegirl · 13/03/2009 20:56

Someone please tell me something funny. It hasnt been the worst week in my life but it has been a tad unsettling.

Last weekend my DS1 bought his girlfriend home and I met her mother. They were lovely. But my DD never got to have a boyfriend and I still find being around teenage girls a bit difficult. I am glad my DS has a lovely girlfriend but now feel guilty for feeling like this.
Tuesday had to go into school to fill in this long ol form to help DS2 get his statement started. After going through the whole sad saga of his early life and how it affects him (always stirs up difficult feelings) it has now been suggested that he could have Aspergers - again I am not distraught but, well, y'know.
Then I was discussing a few things with someone and then the subject of my DDDDD came up and her response was 'well we all have our crosses to bear chegirl' she went on to tell me all about herself and her (alive, healthy child).
Found out a wonderful young mum died this week (stupid bloody cancer again) leaving her equally wonderful OH and two kids.
I went to a meeting of some bereaved parents and we were joined by a new couple (to the group). I was distressed to see them there because I had no idea their child had died.
Got a birthday card from my DS2's birth grandmother (who is a close relation to my OH). It had 'to my dear grand dad' on the front of it - couldnt be arsed to find him a proper card (she is not old she is my age).
DS3 has a cold (yes I know its only a cold) but the kids being ill freaks me out (though I hide it so well
Anyway today is Friday and I know that I am lucky to have my beautiful boys and my wonderful OH and my home and I am starting my first job sice DDDDD was diagnosed. SO I know all is not crap but a couple of rude jokes would be fab.

Oh and btw Cancer is fecking crap (big sticking out tongue, rasberry blowing smilie)

Stop me feeling so sorry for myself and bive me a laff please. Ta.

OP posts:
echt · 14/03/2009 00:02

What's green and hangs from trees?

Gorilla snot.

What's brown and steamy and comes backwards out of cows?

The Isle of Wight Ferry

solidgoldbrass · 14/03/2009 01:09

DS' favourite joke (he is 4 and hasn't quite got his comedy skilz on yet)
DS: Knock knock..
Audience ie whoever is bravely trying to join in the joke: Who's there?
DS (after some thought) A banana! (DS collapsing in fits of laughter, audience mildly bewildered)

Granny22 · 14/03/2009 01:10

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

kickassangel · 14/03/2009 01:42

ok ...
what do you call a grumpy, swish, theatre-going, tiny, skinny, overtly sexual, sex-mad, dirty, well-built, poorly constructed,black and white, cool, tall, piano-playing, farting, one-eyed, 3-legged donkey with a pink mohican, a copy of Playboy and a big nose?

A konky, cranky, Swanky, twanky (as in widow), dinky, slinky, honky, hanky-panky, wanky, skanky, shonky, punky, hunky, skunky, funky, lanky, plinky-plonky, stinky, winky, wonky donkey

mamakoukla · 14/03/2009 01:47

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they AAARRRGGHHHH...

mamakoukla · 14/03/2009 01:48

What kind of socks do pirates wear?

ARRRGGGHHH-gyles

solidgoldbrass · 14/03/2009 02:24

Oh and this should cheer anyone up...

Sidge · 14/03/2009 15:55
KnitterInTheNW · 14/03/2009 16:09

DH came home from work with this one ages ago, and it's so wrong, but makes me chuckle every time.

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

Piece o' cake.

BitOfFun · 14/03/2009 16:22

SGB, I only just watched that- what a classic! I always thought that video was the most sexist bilge ever

screamingabdab · 14/03/2009 20:26

kickassangel You have quite literally kicked Ass (ass-donkey..geddit ?)

NannyDonna · 14/03/2009 22:23

Walkers are to add a new flavour crisps to their range... 'Semen' flavour...
They will be labelled 'fat free' as 97.8% of
women will spit them back out!

kickassangel · 15/03/2009 03:08

so ...
what do you call ...
slightly mouldy = manky
failed his exams = flunky

feel free to cut & paste to complete the 'joke'

i just love jokes that run & run & build like this, even if they're not ass-related

womblingfree · 16/03/2009 08:17

Given up on donkeys - don't think that last one can be beaten - well done kickass!

Just had this on my email though....

This is so silly, but funny.....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
Beside her,? Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course m,y child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's
Birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
They?ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
For me?, Under your robes, perhaps?'

?I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked,? Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,? And what do you have to
Declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
Is to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

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