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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it really annoying when people are openly smug about how quickly they fell pregnant:

144 replies

freddysteddy · 11/03/2009 16:20

e.g. at toddler group this AM three women who feel pregnant first months of trying (or accidentally in one case) discussing their amazement that it took a mutual friend 8 months to get pregnant.

FFS.

I thank you.

OP posts:

hazeyjane · 14/03/2009 20:49

I became pregnant 4 months after having dd1! I don't think it is smug to have got pregnant quickly, or to talk about getting pregnant quickly!

But it is smug, and insensitive to speculate in a gossipy way about why someone is taking 8 months to conceive (ie the situation th op refers to).

xap · 14/03/2009 20:51

yanbu.

took me ages to conceive. I remember how I felt when a friend told me that it wasn't rocket science, I just needed to sleep with my husband.

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2009 20:56

it took me a year first time around..and if I heard a bunch of women talking about someone so long as it wasn't me I wouldn't care...thats just ultra sensitive imo...

lilacpink · 14/03/2009 22:55

My DD was very much wanted, but not planned. I had wanted her for years, we 'relaxed' a few months - as financially we were able to start to consider a family - and I fell pregnant straight away. I moaned during that pregnancy about sickness/migrainne etc. Even said that pregnancy was like 'a conveyor belt that you never got off until you reached the top'.
I've regreted how I took things for granted and was smug I was, as now I've had a molar pregnancy and realise how awful loss is: I'm still having regular tests now after 5 months to ensure no cancerous cells in my body. I often hear cruel comments about conception/pregnancy (even by those who know what has happened to me), but the truth is unless you have that nightmare of feeling the failure to conceive/hold onto pregnancy, you cannot empathise with those who have. Women who are smug aren't normally stupid, they are happily ignorant of the pain. I wish I still had that.
In this case I would say that the comment referring to 8 months as a long time to get pregnant is stupid. I would expect most people know that up to a year is normal, or at least understand that it can take some people longer than others.
Alternatively, perhaps members of the group tend to favour 'one-up-man-ship', thus trying to point out a negative example as '8 months', was the next conversation "well my daughter smiled at 3 weeks", "well son was running at 8 monthes"..? My dd didn't walk until 14mths by the way, if I get pulled towards 'competitive pregnancy/parenting' conversations I tend to say that to make the point I'm not joining in (my dd didn't have any particular reason to walk 'late' by the way, she just decided to follow her own milestones in her own order).

OracleInaCoracle · 15/03/2009 10:57

chainstitch. im sorry, but noone is suggesting that you are "forcibly" sterilised. what they are merely suggesting is that if a series of unplanned pregnancies and contraceptive failures are causing you that much stress then maybe it is something that you and your dh can discuss. in much the same way that people have suggested to me in the past that if repeated mc is affecting dh and i so badly, maybe we should stop ttc.

you have been crass and insensitive on what is a very delicate matter for a lot of women and aggressive to those who disagree with you. surely using the coil and condoms would decrease the risk of failure. which coil do you use? which condoms? because i suggest you get to your gp and discuss alternatives.

im sorry if you think i am being harsh, but there are measures that you can take to stop unwanted pg. at least you are in a position to change your situation.

pointydog · 15/03/2009 11:05

how can contraception fail repeatedly?

pointydog · 15/03/2009 11:07

terrified of having sex with contraception for fear of gettin gpreganant? That does sound odd.

ladylush · 15/03/2009 11:09

I don't see anything wrong with chatting about how they conceived straight away. I do think perhaps it was insensitive (as well as ignorant) to express shock at a mother taking 8 months to conceive. I got pg with ds straight away when I was 32. Ever since then I have (mostly) conceived straight away but unfortunately gone on to lose them so I now realise how very fortunate I was with ds (but didn't realise it at the time iyswim). Now pg again in 2nd trimester. Conceived straight after ERPC (after 4th m/c)but at last this ones seems to be sticking. I'd have gladly waited 8 months or longer to conceive if it was going to be a sticky one.
Fertility goes beyond how quickly a woman can conceive.

ladylush · 15/03/2009 11:14

chainstitch there is a good book on fertility awareness by Toni Weschler called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It is good from an avoiding pregnancy pov as well as conception iyswim. Maybe you could look into it.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/03/2009 11:15

oh, and ive googled the stats, it seems that repeated contraceptive failure is only a real risk if it is not used correctly. eg, pill not taken on time (use the implant) condoms not used properly/splitting (MAP, coil) copper coil not effective (mirena coil) all of the above not suitable and dont want anymore children, sex stressing you out because you dont want to get pg, send dh off to the docs.

dh has offered to go to the docs for the snip, because he has seen how ftc has affected me. we are giving up at the end of this year (or another mc) and he will go to the docs because of the pain that rmc is causing me. i dont see why that is terrible or akin to sterilising the jews.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/03/2009 11:16

hijack: ladylush, not seen you in ages m'love!! sorry about 4th mc, but thrilled about new bean. how are you?

ladylush · 15/03/2009 11:16

Hi Lissie Sorry you are facing this decision later this year

ladylush · 15/03/2009 11:17

Ooh we cross posted. I didn't see you post!

pointydog · 15/03/2009 11:17

yes, I can undertand that lissie. Not used correctly.

ladylush · 15/03/2009 11:20

I meant your post - doh! How is ds and dh? Hope you can all do something nice this year to shift the focus a bit from the awful dilemma you have facing you later in the year.
Thanks for the congrats Am now almost 14 weeks pg. Still in disbelief tbh. I have dopplers and use them once a week for reassurance. Dh and I nearly split up last year. I think the m/c took their toll.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/03/2009 11:20

i know, tis pants. after last mc gp suggested that we give up now. they have got progressively more drawn out, painful etc and the after effects have been pretty shite. but not quite ready to stop. unfortunately giving up means actually going to the gp and stopping. so we cant just cross our fingers and hope for the best.

sorry am rambling...

ladylush · 15/03/2009 11:23

Yes, that's the awful thing about m/c.....it's not over at the point of m/c. Your body takes a battering - as do your emotions.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/03/2009 11:24

it takes it toll doesnt it

pointy, exactly. you would have to be shockingly unlucky (or lucky depending on which side of the fence you are) to use contraceptive correctly all the time and still get pg repeatedly.

ladylush · 15/03/2009 11:29

One could double up (use condoms and pill/coil etc). I'd have thought conception very unlikely then.

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