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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it really annoying when people are openly smug about how quickly they fell pregnant:

144 replies

freddysteddy · 11/03/2009 16:20

e.g. at toddler group this AM three women who feel pregnant first months of trying (or accidentally in one case) discussing their amazement that it took a mutual friend 8 months to get pregnant.

FFS.

I thank you.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 11/03/2009 16:33

?

beanieb · 11/03/2009 16:33

Ah! I see.

do carry on.

compo · 11/03/2009 16:33

ha ha, you shouldn't have posted in this topic if you expected everyone to agree with you

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 11/03/2009 16:33

sorry that should be "like they're"

memoo · 11/03/2009 16:34

Lissielou, can't believe how insensitive your cousin was!!! I have had an ectopic too and know how hard it is.

MorrisZapp · 11/03/2009 16:34

Is it a troll?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/03/2009 16:35
Hmm
traceybath · 11/03/2009 16:36

I've been on both sides of this one. Took forever to get pregnant with number 2 (well nearly 2 year) and am currently pregnant with surprise number 3.

However as i did struggle with number 2 i'm always very careful what i say about getting pregnant.

georgimama · 11/03/2009 16:37

You're going to get 2 types of responses to this:

  1. The ones from people who either conceived very quickly, or within a "normal" time frame who never really stressed about it much, and therefore can't see what the fuss is about.

  2. Ones from people like me who took 18 months to conceive and had to put up with comments from their own brother like "huh, me and SIL conceived first month we tried, we must be super fertile" which whilst not actually unkindly meant make you want to stab them in the neck.

YANBU to feel anything - people can be crashingly tactless but it is not usually meant unkindly. But if you think it is meant unkindly let em have it.

georgimama · 11/03/2009 16:39

Oh, that was the OP being randomly aggressive there. I didn't realise.

So glad I bothered to share a painful part of my history.

MrsMattie · 11/03/2009 16:40

I was amazed and delighted each time I feel pregnant quickly. Don't know about smug? I was pleased, though, and couldn't hide it, really. Anyone actively ttc would be, wouldn't they? No need to rub it in with people who are struggling, though. That is weird.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 11/03/2009 16:44

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lockets · 11/03/2009 16:50

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MorrisZapp · 11/03/2009 16:51

Op was a joker but let's have the convo anyway...

It seems to me that for most people who have kids/ get jobs/ buy houses/ whatever in life, they mostly don't think about it too much in terms of how lucky they are. It's just what happened.

So in general terms, most people saying 'god, I got pg so quickly!', or 'well, thank god the recession doesn't seem to have hit us yet' are just making everyday conversation and are probably quite unlikely to be thinking 'Oooh, lots of people aren't as lucky as me. I'll brag about my life then, to make them feel shit'.

I'm not even sure that tact is a major factor. I just can't see how it can be tactless to say you got pg quickly, unless you know that the person you're saying it to is struggling in that department.

And even then, why feel you have to apologise for biology? Be tactful, but there's no need to feel ashamed or awkward.

Mercy · 11/03/2009 16:55

Agree Morris.

I got pg in one night with ds as I was approaching my 40th. I was stunned rather than smug about it - and I always offer it as an example to older women who would like a first or subsequent child.

wasabipeanut · 11/03/2009 16:56

Would you be happier if they were smug in secret rather than "openly"?

Lizzylou · 11/03/2009 16:57

Totally agree MorrisZapp.
I was first one out of my group of friends to have a baby and since then my friends experiences have been very different to my own and very recently a family member had a m/c (her second).
I certainly don't feel smug because we have been fortunate to escape the trauma that my friends/family have been through, I count my blessings and try and be supportive.

MorrisZapp · 11/03/2009 16:58

Nice one Mercy!

(signed: 38 and worried )

jesuswhatnext · 11/03/2009 17:03

i became pg so quickly i was totally stunned, actually quite apprehensive, scared etc. i honestly assumed that as i had been on the pill for so many years that it would take some time to conceive, smug did not come into it.

agree with morris too.

peachyfox · 11/03/2009 17:03

I recently had a conversation with a friend who has sadly suffered miscarriages who went on about how she hoped I knew how lucky i was to be pg. And all I had to do was go through IVF at 41 stuffing myself full of hormones and use donor sperm because of my DP's hereditary disease and all that brings with it. Bloody cheek.

I do feel lucky it worked but I don't want to be told to be grateful.

Not quite sure how that fits in to this threat but there you go.

bamboostalks · 11/03/2009 17:03

I took a long time to concieve dd and find it difficult when I hear my friends talk about how quickly they are all falling pregnant again with their number 2s. It may never happen for me.But I keep it to myself, really hoping that one day they will realise that it hasn't happened for me and they will realise that it is probably painful to hear. I think it is a bit smug really, you don't hear people normally boasting about any other part of their general health or well being, you would think that someone was a right idiot if they suddenly announced," I am so lucky that I have never had a cancer scare" or "We are toatlly debt free now."

I also find it intensely annoying when people talk about the burden of being sooo fertile, like it is something that they have no control over. The tyranny of unwanted pregnancy scares. You use reliable contraception, end of.

Mercy · 11/03/2009 17:05

I got pg at 37.7 with my first

Good Luck Morris

Morloth · 11/03/2009 17:06

georgimama there is another option, people like me who took a couple of years to get knocked up and who can't see what the fuss is about if someone else gets pregnant first try and is happy about it.

I don't begrudge other people their happiness and ease of pregnancy, I am a bit jealous maybe but realise it isn't about me!

charitygirl · 11/03/2009 17:10

Good point about perhaps they were sying how sad it was it had taken a friend longer than they had - that sounds quite likely.

However, it is so ignorant to be surprised that someone could take 8 months to conceive - as if that was even a long time.

It is this total level of thickwittery that leads people to say really tactless things to those struggling to conceive.

MorrisZapp · 11/03/2009 17:14

bamboo, isn't it the case though that they can't very well disguise their easily conceived number 2's, which will very soon be bumps and babies?

They probably don't think that it is boasting, they're just saying what happened, as you must have done yourself when your LO arrived.

I hope I don't sound unsympathetic - I've never been in your position and I can't know how it feels.