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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my DH stalking me around MN?

140 replies

SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 14:16

I'm going to try not to drip-feed, but there's a lot of information I need to explain & I'm going to try to keep it as brief as possible. To try & keep it to the point, I'm going to copy / paste a lot of this from what I've already said on my ante-natal thread & will obviously answer any other questions.

"DH has definitely been reading our thread again. Definitely. As in I'd almost bet my life on it. He denies it completely, through all accusations, promising me that he hasn't been on Mumsnet & has had no access to what I've been saying, etc. But he has. This is the second time now that I've been pretty sure - the first time could've just been coincidence, albeit a striking one. This time he's definitely been reading.

What do I do? After the last time I made it really clear that I didn't want him reading & he promised that he wouldn't because it's 'my' thing. So he's broken that promise & is now breaking more as he lies to my face about it repeatedly.

I know it's not that big a deal in itself (although I actually feel like it is, given how openly I talk about everything here & this is my safe-to-be-completely-honest place) but the lying & broken promises are doing my head in.

I don't want to cause a scene because I can't really prove it. Not in any indisputable way. Even though I know, he can just keep saying 'I haven't done anything!' & we're at an impasse.

So do I just let it go? Pretend like I believe him & be really careful what I say here in future? Or keep pursuing the issue?"

That's the crux of it.

I can't use internet history, as we each have our own laptops & his is so important that it's passworded hmm

"We were talking in bed last night about all sorts of things & I was saying that I hoped that he didn't think that I was a rubbish mum, blah blah blah. & he directly referenced what I'd said in my post about alternatives to blackout curtains." (I was having a bit of a moan about MIL's unconventional parenting style, as the conversation at the time was about advice we aren't intending to take.) "BUT HE WASN'T IN THE ROOM WHEN HIS MUM HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH ME. The only way he could know about that conversation is reading what I said yesterday. It wasn't even that he said 'well she did this...' it was '& other stupid advice my mum's given us...'.

It's also a bit that I try really hard to be neutral about her & give her the benefit of the doubt to him, even though she tried her best to ruin our wedding day & stuff. But here I do tend to let rip, thinking that it won't hurt anyone because nobody knows her & it's better that I vent my frustration safely than cause marital rows. But still, it's not nice to think that my uncensored ranting & bitching have been read by someone who does know & love her."

There are a few other things, but it's already getting long, so I'll leave it at that & see what you all have to say - what do I do?!

OP posts:
QuantitativeMeasure · 10/03/2009 14:17

change your name and dont tell him what your new name is.

maddylou · 10/03/2009 14:18

namechange?

laweaselmys · 10/03/2009 14:18

name change?

Password protect your history? Is there a way of letting everyone on your antenatal group know who you are without letting him also know?

flowerybeanbag · 10/03/2009 14:21

What everyone else said. YANBU to mind him reading everything you post on here, but it is a public forum so there's not a lot you can do about it. My DH doesn't read my stuff but I always everyone I know can read everything I put and post accordingly.

If I really feel the need to post something that I don't want the whole world to read, I namechange.

solidgoldbrass · 10/03/2009 14:21

Erm..
ATTENTION! ANY DH's READING THIS! LISTEN UP!!!!

It's NOT your wife on here

All similarities are coincidental.

Your wife is posting on Netmums/Moldies instead.

If it is your wife, what she is posting is her own opinion and none of your business.

Now sod off and either have a game of WOrld of Warcraft or download a bit of safe, ethically-sourced, consenting adult smut and have a nice wank.
Byeee.

Gorionine · 10/03/2009 14:21

If you get mozzilaforefox you have the option at the end of each session to cancel history and cookies.

HTH

Original poster
SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 14:23

I was thinking about namechanging, but it won't do that much good. He still knows where to find our threads - it's pretty obvious that I'll be in the April 2009 group - & I'd be really easy for him to identify no matter how misleading my name was.

It's partly that he's been reading that bothers me. That does bother me a great deal. But it's mostly that he keeps lying about it & breaking promises & trying to make me feel like I'm insane for being so sure of something that he claims is untrue.

OP posts:
100yearsofsolitude · 10/03/2009 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nametaken · 10/03/2009 14:24

change your name

Original poster
SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 14:25

& we each have our own laptops, so it's not a question of history / cookies (& I already use Firefox ). It's just that it is a public forum, obviously - there's no way of keeping it away from anyone who wants to look. But I've trusted him not to.

SGB

OP posts:
shootfromthehip · 10/03/2009 14:25

I think you have to leave it with him as you can't proove anything. You need to change your name and forget about it or start to write REALLY mean things about how your husband is a crap shag in your current name

nametaken · 10/03/2009 14:26

Oh, you've still got the same name!

You trusted him not to look but he did look.

So now you need to change your name. What exactly are you waiting for?

StercusAccidit · 10/03/2009 14:26

Poke his eyes out so he can't read your posts

mondaymonday · 10/03/2009 14:27

I namechange when I'm saying things I don't want him to read - i.e. about MIL etc!

shootfromthehip · 10/03/2009 14:27

Arse, 'prove'. Sorry

mondaymonday · 10/03/2009 14:27

Stercus are you having a bad day

flowerybeanbag · 10/03/2009 14:28

You are absolutely right to be cross with him, it sounds as though there are trust issues which need resolving and it's not on for him to read your stuff deliberately when he's said he isn't.

But I would also steer clear more generally of posting things that you would mind people reading, including your MIL. My MIL is lovely, but if I ever wanted to have a little rant about something she did or said, I would namechange and do it in a AIBU or something so it couldn't be linked to me and she couldn't be identified.

Original poster
SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 14:30

The point is though that he's reading my antenatal thread - so it's different to if I was starting new threads (in which case I would namechange if it was something I didn't want him, or anyone else in RL, to read). Even if I namechanged within the thread it'd be really obvious it was me (or cause confusion amongst the other women!).

My main issue is that this is the second time I've caught him out & I still have no proof. Yet he's repeatedly promised that he's not been reading & promised that he won't. He's lying to me & I have no way of proving it, I don't think. Do I just accept that & tone down what I say from now on, or do I keep pushing & insisting that he's lying?

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/03/2009 14:31

If he has nothing to hide and hasn't read your MN posts then he can show you his laptop's history, can't he? The fact that he won't or hasn't offered to speaks volumes.

I don't know what you can do about it - in your shoes I would be livid, a) re the gross invasion of privacy and b) re the subsequent lies. It's pretty outrageous. Persist with the laptop history thing - although it's almost certainly cleared by now.

dangfando · 10/03/2009 14:31

It's a public forum! Anyone can read it that's the point. If you want to talk privately about stuff then you need a private forum or email. That doesn't resolve the trust issues with your DH but you need to be very careful what you post on the assumption that it's private or that someone in particular won't find it one day.

raisingrrrl · 10/03/2009 14:32

YANBU. It's incredibly irritating - I was stalked by a family member on here (not my dh) and even though I've namechanged, I've a feeling she's gone on my PN thread and figured out what my new name is. It's not difficult, at the end of the day!

No idea what to suggest, to be honest. It's hard, because even if you delete your history then he can still go onto his laptop and find you on your PN thread. And why should you stop going on your thread just because you don't want him reading your posts? It's bang out of order!

Does he post on any forums, that you know of? Could you do the same back to him, and see how he likes it?

helsbels4 · 10/03/2009 14:32

Why does he want to read what you post on ante-natal threads? My dh would find that a bit dull tbh. Has he shown signs before of not trusting you? It sounds a bit odd to me. I might occasionly look at my dh's facebook page to see what he's been doing and saying but I'd tell him if he asked me if I'd looked as I don't know why anyone would lie about it really.

nametaken · 10/03/2009 14:33

start opening his letters when they come through the post in the morning.

iggypiggy · 10/03/2009 14:34

Maybe he'll read this and get the hint?

paisleyleaf · 10/03/2009 14:35

Sounds like he's curious and insecure about what you might be saying.
Maybe he's feeling left out in that you're not talking so openly with him.

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