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Original poster

To not want my DH stalking me around MN?

140 replies

SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 14:16

I'm going to try not to drip-feed, but there's a lot of information I need to explain & I'm going to try to keep it as brief as possible. To try & keep it to the point, I'm going to copy / paste a lot of this from what I've already said on my ante-natal thread & will obviously answer any other questions.

"DH has definitely been reading our thread again. Definitely. As in I'd almost bet my life on it. He denies it completely, through all accusations, promising me that he hasn't been on Mumsnet & has had no access to what I've been saying, etc. But he has. This is the second time now that I've been pretty sure - the first time could've just been coincidence, albeit a striking one. This time he's definitely been reading.

What do I do? After the last time I made it really clear that I didn't want him reading & he promised that he wouldn't because it's 'my' thing. So he's broken that promise & is now breaking more as he lies to my face about it repeatedly.

I know it's not that big a deal in itself (although I actually feel like it is, given how openly I talk about everything here & this is my safe-to-be-completely-honest place) but the lying & broken promises are doing my head in.

I don't want to cause a scene because I can't really prove it. Not in any indisputable way. Even though I know, he can just keep saying 'I haven't done anything!' & we're at an impasse.

So do I just let it go? Pretend like I believe him & be really careful what I say here in future? Or keep pursuing the issue?"

That's the crux of it.

I can't use internet history, as we each have our own laptops & his is so important that it's passworded hmm

"We were talking in bed last night about all sorts of things & I was saying that I hoped that he didn't think that I was a rubbish mum, blah blah blah. & he directly referenced what I'd said in my post about alternatives to blackout curtains." (I was having a bit of a moan about MIL's unconventional parenting style, as the conversation at the time was about advice we aren't intending to take.) "BUT HE WASN'T IN THE ROOM WHEN HIS MUM HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH ME. The only way he could know about that conversation is reading what I said yesterday. It wasn't even that he said 'well she did this...' it was '& other stupid advice my mum's given us...'.

It's also a bit that I try really hard to be neutral about her & give her the benefit of the doubt to him, even though she tried her best to ruin our wedding day & stuff. But here I do tend to let rip, thinking that it won't hurt anyone because nobody knows her & it's better that I vent my frustration safely than cause marital rows. But still, it's not nice to think that my uncensored ranting & bitching have been read by someone who does know & love her."

There are a few other things, but it's already getting long, so I'll leave it at that & see what you all have to say - what do I do?!

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 10/03/2009 18:11

boffinmum,i ruined everything?what were you planning to say before my new best friend name changed and stuck her oar in.

maybe someone will rock up and call you a scurrilous name,so you don't feel left out hun

Original poster
SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 18:12

I don't know why he's doing it, DTA. Perhaps he feels that I don't talk to him openly, but I would be surprised - I am very honest with him about things that bother me (even when I have to admit that I might be being sensitive because I'm hormonal ) & don't hide anything from him. I do, as I've said, sometimes not mention the extent to which things are bugging me - but only so far as I'd like to have a rant about it & there's no point in upsetting the apple cart. He knows the basics of everything, at least, & I would always talk to him about anything in further detail if he asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 18:14

ToiletRollCover, I only spend time on MN when he's on his own laptop, or when he's not around. I'm always happy to put it down & have a chat or a cuddle & watch tv together or whatever. In fact it's usually me suggesting that, & I've started trying to enforce the habit of sitting at the dinner table to eat our meals otherwise he's straight back on his laptop with his plate balanced on the arm of the sofa, ignoring me

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 10/03/2009 18:18

perhaps he would ask if you weren't always on MN gassing?why don't you both have pc free night and talk stuff over

that is of course based on premise that this is really about reading MN posts,and not other issyues?

yes i did query your language.this is your husband.you shate a home.a bed.you are expecting a baby.

your description of him and his alleged behaviour is hardly complimentary.it is pretty evocative language.worth commenting upon

SmuttyNuttyTaff · 10/03/2009 18:19

springy can you make him use the laptop more please

your prescence is required on our AN thread by me for smuttyness etc

Northernlurker · 10/03/2009 18:20

I think it's just curiousity on his part tbh. He knows damn well he can't own up either as you will quite understandably throw the book at him! He shouldn't be looking at your posts but it's not a perfect world and people make mistakes.

Tbh - I think the best thing to do is try and forget about it. If you want to post about his warts or whatnot then name change and otherwise if he mentions anything you connect with here then it's time to put on the quizzical face and let him sweat!

It's probably an idea to talk a LOT about menstrual blood, treatment for piles, Sex and The City, small pink iced buns, diets, diets of small pink iced buns, the economic situation of Sweden, Gordon Brown's weekly diary - basically anything he will find dull and/or revolting. He'll soon get bored

I always think that about anybody trying to stalk me - it would be gut wrenchingly dull for them!

SmuttyNuttyTaff · 10/03/2009 18:21

SM - springy really isnt on MN often enough!!!!!!

ScottishMummy · 10/03/2009 18:23

lordy,is this all the chums from the other thread piling in.like school brawl

she never said nuffink
oi you fat-scottish-hoor you cant say that about my mate

Original poster
SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 18:25

SM, I think I've made it fairly clear on many occasions now that it's not really about reading the posts but about the lying & broken promises that that entails. So you're right, yes - it is about other issues. The reading the posts is just the context for that (& mildly annoying in itself).

As for you knowing that we share a bed - how do you know? Are you out there in the bushes too? I'm surprised you've got a WiFi connection from there

OP posts:
Original poster
SpringySunshine · 10/03/2009 18:27

NL, all I can think about now is pink iced buns, I hope you're happy

(I think you're right, by the way - I'm just going to keep schtum about it, I reckon. I'd hope that he'd own up, but it's not looking likely. He knows he's been caught & there's not been an argument about it. I suppose that's the best outcome possible from this point - I'll just have to bear in mind that his promises don't necessarily hold water & not be an idiot about things in the future if they arise.)

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 10/03/2009 18:29

Springy - how fortunate you are to have Scottishmummy posting so eloquently on your thread - as ever she's adding a lot to the debate.

SmuttyNuttyTaff · 10/03/2009 18:29

SM - my posts were in jest no brawling going on here

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2009 18:33

what did SMisaBigFatWhore post?

what are you going to do springysunshine?

leave it or set some kind of trap to see if dh does read mn and your threads?

BoffinMum · 10/03/2009 18:39

Or maybe it's that SpringySunshine actually talks more sense than you do, is more reflective, and is less opinionated, SM. Not always out for a rant and a rumble, hijacking arguments to make a point and to create a bit of MN excitement.

CKelpie · 10/03/2009 19:15

I think you should let him stalk away but start a few red herrings like 'starting to think baby might not be dh's!' Or 'I think I have a gambling problem to the tune of six figures' or even...'my secret drinking is getting out of hand'

SmuttyNuttyTaff · 10/03/2009 19:19

CKelpie - good idea maybe even a thread entitles "i have broken my anal barrier" springy what do you think?? lol

CKelpie · 10/03/2009 19:26

'I think DH is lying to me so I used his toothbrush to clean the toilet...' wait to see if he buys a new one

yama · 10/03/2009 19:37

Springy - I think dp does the odd search for my posts. We joke about it.

I'm from a big family, lots of siblings so privacy very important and protected. He's an only child and (I reckon) doesn't get my placing a high importance on privacy.

I reconcile our difference of values with the fact that we are (of course) different.

Hope that made sense.

NeedCoffee · 10/03/2009 19:40

SS-My dp did the exact same thing-i had to change names from one i've used for years-He also lied about it, wouldn't admit it, and i had no reason to suspect him like you do, just a feeling, eventually he admitted he'd looked at a few of my posts on my post-natal thread(obviously he found out things he didn't know, like i'm having an affair with a billionaire..etc) and was extremly ashamed of himself(or he acted like he was anyway) so maybe thats why your dh won't admit it. Even though i've name changed he could quite easily work out which one was me, it bothers me but tbh their isn't a lot that can be done-you could set a little trap, and mention things that are a bit extreme to see if it crops up in your conversations-but not sure what you'd do when you have 'proof'.

mankymummy · 10/03/2009 19:41

how do you know his mum didnt tell him about the blackout conversation?

NeedCoffee · 10/03/2009 19:44

oh i see it already been suggested, took me ages to write that post!

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 10/03/2009 19:49

lol - occasionally dh hovers about whilst I am on MN (which he calls my 'women's nagging group' the sobriguet which was previously applied to the NCT coffeee mornings.) I occasionally hover whilst he is on some chatroom of his. But we can each have a secret online life, surely?

SerendipitousHarlot · 10/03/2009 19:56

Fooking hell SM, I don't care for your tone

OP, I would hate it as well, if it's any consolation. Not because I say anything on the interwebz that I wouldn't say to his face, but because it's snooping.

paisleyleaf · 10/03/2009 22:28

Does seem a bit rotten though
that this is a public forum
open to anyone

except Mr Sunshine

(I can't help but feel a bit sorry for the bloke tbh)

catinthehat1 · 10/03/2009 23:02

A plea.

Can you all please avoid (forever)the use of words and phrases such as

"sheesh!"

""

and

""

on any threads that I am lurking on.

Thanks in advance.