To not want my DH stalking me around MN?

[SpringySunshine]

I'm going to try not to drip-feed, but there's a lot of information I need to explain & I'm going to try to keep it as brief as possible. To try & keep it to the point, I'm going to copy / paste a lot of this from what I've already said on my ante-natal thread & will obviously answer any other questions.

"DH has definitely been reading our thread again. Definitely. As in I'd almost bet my life on it. He denies it completely, through all accusations, promising me that he hasn't been on Mumsnet & has had no access to what I've been saying, etc. But he has. This is the second time now that I've been pretty sure - the first time could've just been coincidence, albeit a striking one. This time he's definitely been reading.

What do I do? After the last time I made it really clear that I didn't want him reading & he promised that he wouldn't because it's 'my' thing. So he's broken that promise & is now breaking more as he lies to my face about it repeatedly.

I know it's not that big a deal in itself (although I actually feel like it is, given how openly I talk about everything here & this is my safe-to-be-completely-honest place) but the lying & broken promises are doing my head in.

I don't want to cause a scene because I can't really prove it. Not in any indisputable way. Even though I know, he can just keep saying 'I haven't done anything!' & we're at an impasse.

So do I just let it go? Pretend like I believe him & be really careful what I say here in future? Or keep pursuing the issue?"

That's the crux of it.

I can't use internet history, as we each have our own laptops & his is so important that it's passworded hmm

"We were talking in bed last night about all sorts of things & I was saying that I hoped that he didn't think that I was a rubbish mum, blah blah blah. & he directly referenced what I'd said in my post about alternatives to blackout curtains." (I was having a bit of a moan about MIL's unconventional parenting style, as the conversation at the time was about advice we aren't intending to take.) "BUT HE WASN'T IN THE ROOM WHEN HIS MUM HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH ME. The only way he could know about that conversation is reading what I said yesterday. It wasn't even that he said 'well she did this...' it was '& other stupid advice my mum's given us...'.

It's also a bit that I try really hard to be neutral about her & give her the benefit of the doubt to him, even though she tried her best to ruin our wedding day & stuff. But here I do tend to let rip, thinking that it won't hurt anyone because nobody knows her & it's better that I vent my frustration safely than cause marital rows. But still, it's not nice to think that my uncensored ranting & bitching have been read by someone who does know & love her."

There are a few other things, but it's already getting long, so I'll leave it at that & see what you all have to say - what do I do?!

sheesh!what's got your goat.they are perennial MN clichés to be trotted out at whim

what I fail to understand is why you post on a public forum things which is perfectly ok for total strangers to read about you, but too secret for your own husband, whose child you are carrying, to see?

That is just a lot of toss, and I would re-evaluate my relationship if I were you. Why do you have trust issues over this?

If I were to confess having an affair, or being in love with my dhs best friend, or having spent time in prison, then I might be worried about my husband reading it, but idle gossip and and antenatal stuff? What planet are you on?

it is contradictory to want privacy on public forum any raver can read except dh

curious

I think that sometimes sharing somebody with strangers is much easier that sharing with somebody close, especially about womans things, like pregnancy (which is what antinatal threads are about)

Some people just dont feel comfortable sharing that with their significant others

Being someone who XP came on MN and read my posts and even posted about me i can see why the OP wold like her DP/DH to repect her privacy, or at least not lie about it.

That being said i do think that there is an issue in this reletionship which needs working on. trust! what is a relationship without trust?

Sheesh

When you post on a PUBLIC forum you have NO REASONABLE EXPECTATION of privacy. Blimey. Some of you lot are deluded.

My exH knows my posting name, and I know he reads my posts. I couldn't give a rats arse tbh.

He has also posted on here as me, posted about me, started rows about what I've posted etc. I did care when we were together but no more.

I agree the real issue is you think he is lying to you. Surely if you confront him you can tell that he is lying? or do you have other trust issues too?

AFD, its not about her DP/DH being able to come online and read her posts, its about the fact that her DP/DH should respect that she has made it clear that she doesn't like it, he is lying about it and in turn in basically snooping through her thoughts.

Of course you can't STOP somebody reading reading a public forum, as it is public, but he should respect her wishes and not be so gutless as to lie about it to avoid confrontation.

My XP used to come on here and read all my posts(i have no idea if he still does???), i did used to namechange but kept getting 'outed' as who i am (damn my writing style ) so i have now made it very clear who i am but i have a different name so i am not searchable, then if i need to ask advice about something personal i will namechange or speak to friends/MNers off board about my problems/ask for advice.

I agree that what you post on a public forum is essentially public. However, I asked DP not to go on MN. He doesn't. He has forums he goes on to, I don't look at those either. We don't read each other's mail or texts either.

If I asked him not to do it, and he kept on doing so I would be really upset because it showed he didn't care enough about me to respect my wishes.

If this is how you are feeling OP you really need to talk to him about it and find out what is going on. Maybe it is because he feels out of the loop and thinks this is the only way to be sure of what is going on with you, in which case some kind of compromise needs to be reached.

AFD, its not about her DP/DH being able to come online and read her posts, its about the fact that her DP/DH should respect that she has made it clear that she doesn't like it, he is lying about it and in turn in basically snooping through her thoughts.

Exactamundo.

Then she shouldn't put her private thoughts in a public forum. This isn't like reading a diary, where there is a reasonable expectation of privacy. I don't like my DP visiting some of the messageboards I post on, but I recognise that to be my problem, because they are public forums and it is not reasonable of me to complain.

Turn the situation round: a man complains that his wife wants to know what he's up to on the internet, even though he's told her it's none of her business and he doesn't want her snooping around. You would all, rightly, slaughter him. This is no different at all.

Oh, and if you lot think there is anything normal or reasonable about saying things in public that you do not want your DPs to know about, then you are all madder than a plantation of rhododendrons.

"Please be aware this is a public forum and your postings are open for all to see."

That's what it says.

So ...
a/ YABU to ask your DP not to look at what you write on MN, since it is a public forum.
therefore
b/ YABU to feel he is betraying your trust by not accepting your unreasonable demands

"I think if I asked my DP not to read my posts on MN, he would be really hmm about it simply because it is public, if everyone can read it why shouldn't he?"

Because 'everyone' hasn't been told 'that username there, that's me'.

If he is lying about it then that is wrong.

it is curious to inhabit a physical space,be expecting a baby together but demand privacy about what you tell strangers

maybe the indignation is the fact that dh refused to comply with expressed preference eg dont read my MN.perhaps indicative of a deeper need to take control or assert one's independence?

i imagine when baby arrives OP will use MN on increased basis for support etc.will DH be asked again to refrain from reading

this isnt private,as has been reiterated it is public

most unlike reading a diary or bureau.these have significance and identification as private items.MN doesnt

when the mouldie stuff kicked off,the press were all over MN like a rash cutting and pasting posts and attributing quotes.reproducing MN in the national print media

so i suppose now i wonder why OP is so vexed at her DH and used such emotive language.this has significance to call one's DH stalker and discuss snooping.undoutedly OP will say no no just a figurative term, BUT none the less indicative of some cognition/emotion she has about her DH.whether consciouss or not

YANBU.

It's snooping. Yes, technically he can read what you've said because it's a public forum but it doesn't mean he should. It's a bit like eavesdropping. For example, I could listen in to DH's telephone conversations, or listen in to a conversation of two people in a cafe/bar...but it's considered rude and general social convention dictates that you shouldn't do it. If you're not included in the conversation and you have to go to an effort to find out what's being said, then you shouldn't be doing so.

He obviously knows this otherwise why would he lie about?

Love the idea of feeding him disinformation though!

disinformation in a relationship,that would be so unhealthy.nearly parents and recommend you misinformation

why?

wouldnt one want a relationship baseed upon empathy,warmth,trust

not how can i pull one over on that snoooping dh of mine today.
how cleverly can i put him off the scent

omo a realtionship considering moisinformation as a strartegy isnt a health relationship

at all

It was a joke SM.

really seemed consistent with rest of your post.has been suggested further down the thread too

SM and those who think that the DP has every right to read her posts, can i just ask please, out of curiousity, do you have any siblings?

Not sure how. Thought my post until that point had sounded a little austere so was just trying to lighten the mood. I'll consider myself thoroughly told off though and won't make any more jokes. I promise.

why are you getting all freudian on me order of siblings and oedipal rivalry and envy

has no relevance so i decline to answer