To not want my DH stalking me around MN?

[SpringySunshine]

I'm going to try not to drip-feed, but there's a lot of information I need to explain & I'm going to try to keep it as brief as possible. To try & keep it to the point, I'm going to copy / paste a lot of this from what I've already said on my ante-natal thread & will obviously answer any other questions.

"DH has definitely been reading our thread again. Definitely. As in I'd almost bet my life on it. He denies it completely, through all accusations, promising me that he hasn't been on Mumsnet & has had no access to what I've been saying, etc. But he has. This is the second time now that I've been pretty sure - the first time could've just been coincidence, albeit a striking one. This time he's definitely been reading.

What do I do? After the last time I made it really clear that I didn't want him reading & he promised that he wouldn't because it's 'my' thing. So he's broken that promise & is now breaking more as he lies to my face about it repeatedly.

I know it's not that big a deal in itself (although I actually feel like it is, given how openly I talk about everything here & this is my safe-to-be-completely-honest place) but the lying & broken promises are doing my head in.

I don't want to cause a scene because I can't really prove it. Not in any indisputable way. Even though I know, he can just keep saying 'I haven't done anything!' & we're at an impasse.

So do I just let it go? Pretend like I believe him & be really careful what I say here in future? Or keep pursuing the issue?"

That's the crux of it.

I can't use internet history, as we each have our own laptops & his is so important that it's passworded hmm

"We were talking in bed last night about all sorts of things & I was saying that I hoped that he didn't think that I was a rubbish mum, blah blah blah. & he directly referenced what I'd said in my post about alternatives to blackout curtains." (I was having a bit of a moan about MIL's unconventional parenting style, as the conversation at the time was about advice we aren't intending to take.) "BUT HE WASN'T IN THE ROOM WHEN HIS MUM HAD THAT CONVERSATION WITH ME. The only way he could know about that conversation is reading what I said yesterday. It wasn't even that he said 'well she did this...' it was '& other stupid advice my mum's given us...'.

It's also a bit that I try really hard to be neutral about her & give her the benefit of the doubt to him, even though she tried her best to ruin our wedding day & stuff. But here I do tend to let rip, thinking that it won't hurt anyone because nobody knows her & it's better that I vent my frustration safely than cause marital rows. But still, it's not nice to think that my uncensored ranting & bitching have been read by someone who does know & love her."

There are a few other things, but it's already getting long, so I'll leave it at that & see what you all have to say - what do I do?!

I think it's mostly a case of him spending a lot of time on the internet not really doing anything & getting bored, so coming to see what I'm up to / whether I've been saying he's a crap shag, etc

Just realised I have to go to my MW appointment now (totally lost track of time!) but I'll be back in about half an hour. Thanks for your replies so far

Have you written this for him to read?

You need to namechange (and plant a load of misleading stuff) and at the same time as you name change ask if everyone on your antenatal thread would change for a few hours too so that it'll be impossible for him to look for the only namechanger. I"m sure the girls on your thread would show solidarity by doing this for a while to throw him off the scent.

How is it 'different' because it's an antenatal thread though? If you are saying things you don't want the world to know, that you would namechange to post on a new thread why would you post the same thing on your antenatal thread which is just as public and where you can be identified?

You say you don't have proof, but it seemed from your OP as though you think you do have proof, something about a conversation about curtains he wasn't privy to?

I think obviously at the moment you don't trust him, whatever he's saying to you, so stop posting on MN in your current name anything you wouldn't want him to read while you work through your issues with him.

Oh, you have my sympathy. My (now ex) husband used to do this. It really pissed me off. However unreasonable or otherwise it was of me to feel this way I just thought why can't he just leave it alone and let me have something for me. He even started posting on here. Mind you, he also read my diary and snooped in other various ways so it was a real deal breaker for me that he would just not leave my head alone!! We are all entitled to have thoughts that we don't share with our partners FFS!

Sorry......bit of a sore point for me, this one!

My DP sometimes searches MN for my name, not to snoop but because he thinks it's a good way of finding funny threads. But lying about it is wrong and weird.

Are you sure he's been on MN and read about your conversations with your MIL? Or could have have spoken to MIL himself and been told about the conversation?

BTW - I will name change for you for the purpose of the anti-natal thread if you think it would help....

PMSL AT solidgoldbrass

Is it at all possible that he could have had the same conversation with his mum about the blackout blinds at another time?

Hi Springy, another April 09 poster here - happy to namechange in solidarity with you if you want to!

You're in a tight spot with this one, as you say you don't have any proof and therefore you can't move forward with this one. Your options really are:

• name change and don't post quite so candidly so he can't recognise the new name
• don't name change but always post knowing that he might be reading

But it strikes me that the problem isn't what to do about MN, but what to do about the fact that you suspect he is lying to you. That's not good, and you need to have a good honest chat with him about what's going on. Difficult if he won't admit it, I know, but do you think he's worried you're talking too honestly on MN about him and your life? Is he jealous of the amount of time you spend on MN, as opposed to with him? Is he a paranoid or insecure person, generally?

Maybe you need to scale down your MN time (only a bit, obviously - no need to go cold turkey or anything ) and increase your DH time and see if the problem sorts itself out?

Just some rambly thoughts, hope they are of some use.

What you should do is get everyone on your AN group to change names

I was going to say what Trillion did - are you sure he didn't talk to his mum about your conversation?

I think there is a tendency for us to forget that anyone can read this forum, not just the people who choose to post on it. You would prefer him not to read what you post, and it would be nice if he respected that, but you can't stop him. It isn't private.

I would imagine he is feeling a bit insecure or jealous.

Question for you to ponder and not post response to - is he just being a sad little puppy dog following you about, or is this part of a pattern of more controlling behaviour? One is an irritation, one is a problem. Only you know which it is.

You could post outrageous lies about him and get him really worried, until he cracks and has to ask you. Then you can have it out with him properly.

Alternatively, you can tell him you don't believe him, list all the reasons and examples and discuss it calmly and rationally.

Does he open your post as well? Check your credit card accounts etc?

why are you so touchy about your MN posts after all we are a bunch of strangers.dh isn't

MN is public forum maybe be you shouldn't post tittle tattle gossip about his mum.so what he looked.No big deal.

sheesh! probably thousands of geeks/freaks posters reading at any time anyway

here is a tip about a healthy relationship,don't bitch about his mum and whine when you get caught.as if he is in the wrong. Nope-you are

and as for all the throw him off the scent, oh behave.who do you think you are austin powers

there are no trust issues here just you being sore you got caught bitching and bellyaching about his mum

@SM

No, I haven't written any of this for him to read. I assume (perhaps rightly, perhaps not) that he'll stay away for at least a while after I confronted him last night, so doubt he ever will read any of this.

As for the namechanging, I think even if I managed to throw him off the scent for a while if he was really bothered he'd be able to easily work out who I was. We spent a great deal of our early (long-distance) relationship communicating via MSN, so he knows my writing style, never mind personal details.

Proof - I have enough proof to know that he's read things here, but not enough to stand up in a court of law, IYSWIM. Obviously I'm not planning on making that much of a fuss but it's not objectively strong evidence.

electra, this isn't the first time this has happened - he's also snooped through my MSN chat logs once before, but owned up to that immediately (because he wanted to discuss them ). I was fairly sure he knew how wrong that was, though...

I doubt he's been told about the conversation with MIL, because it doesn't paint her in a good light at all. It was also something she said almost in passing & wouldn't have seemed that important to her, I don't think - plus they rarely talk as it is.

Hey WFH I honestly don't think that he's worried about how much I talk about him here - he doesn't know any of you & he knows that the only reason I've stayed sane at times over the last few months is because of MN & although he may be envious of me having this outlet (in that he wants one of his own!) he doesn't begrudge me it. As for time I spend here instead of with him, I only post here when he's on his laptop / Xbox or not in the flat & I make a lot more of an effort to be cuddly with him in the evenings than he does with me because he's too busy doing whatever he's doing on the internet! As for paranoid & insecure, I wouldn't have said so...

He doesn't open my post or check on my spending, anything like that. There wouldn't be anything interesting to find if he did & he knows that. As I said, he did read my MSN chat logs once when I was away for the weekend & left my laptop here. We were having some big relationship issues (now resolved) & I really didn't think that it'd be typical behaviour. Of course now I'm beginning to worry...

Pfft SM, you're not entirely wrong. I know that it's a public forum & would never post anything that I really wouldn't want people to read - I wouldn't come on here confessing to murder or anything like that. There is another level of privacy though, where things are perfectly okay for strangers to read but aren't worth bothering your DH with.

I'm not sore about being caught bitching (it is a little embarrassing, but not very) because I would say all of what I said to DH if necessary. I haven't lied or exaggerated anything & have nothing to be ashamed of. The reason I haven't said those things to DH is because I don't want to cause an awkwardness in which he's caught in the middle between two women he loves. MIL & I have a few issues (most of which I was oblivious to until she sulked through our wedding), but I don't dislike her. I find her difficult & have a few problems with her parenting, but in the most part that doesn't affect me in the slightest - I can just ignore her wacky advice.

My main upset is the repeated breach of trust & subsequent lies from my DH. If he'd read everything I ever posted on MN & then admitted it when confronted, I'd be a bit miffed but not enough to start a thread about it! I understand that it's a public forum, after all.

& my teeth are far better than Austin Powers'

you crack me up trying to take any moral high ground.whilst you bellyache on mn about MIL

it wasn't your diary it was a public forum.big difference

would you be blasé if your dh was bellyaching about your mum/best friend/sister on an internet forum

why don't you both put the pc down and have a real ole fashioned conversation

Okay, well I shan't waste time arguing this point - I asked if IABU, you think yes. You've perhaps misunderstood - he's not annoyed with me about anything he read & the content of what I've written is of very little importance to what I'm asking.

You've made your opinion clear nonetheless & I appreciate that - I posted here for balanced views. I won't get into a slanging match about it. Thanks for your opinion

so he has a password on his laptop - which you dont know

that would make me feel a bit tbh

my lappy is passworded but obv dh knows the password

if he hasnt stalked you, then he shouldnt have a problem with you seeing his history

i trust hom not to check my history etc, but if he did i dont have a problem as there is nothing on there that i dont want him seeing

can only agree that you name change or dont post about mil on a public forum

is there any chance that mil is on here?

look i just think you are overstating your indignation and exaggerating trust issues etc

also with a baby coming along you have bigger things to consider than who allegedly read what

but hey most likely someone else will rock up with different point of view from mine,that is beauty of MN

The password on his laptop irritates me, but I'm not suspicious of it. I don't think that he's doing anything untoward on there - I know he's not chatting up other women or anything like that.

There's absolutely no chance that MIL is on here, as not only is she unaware of MN's existence, she's not into the whole computer thing.

There's no point in checking his history anyway - he'll have wiped it by now of anything I'm not meant to see.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL @ SM!

SS why not tell him to join Dadsnet