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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be amazed about how many people think it is acceptable to ask you to explain how you afford something?

120 replies

electra · 04/03/2009 09:39

I have noticed, generally that a lot of people seem to find it normal to ask questions / make assumptions about other people's financial situations.

I would never do this - I think it's very rude. I often wonder how people afford certain things but would never ask them! Is this a hang up that just I have?

OP posts:
ohdearwhatamess · 04/03/2009 09:43

I don't think I've ever been asked these sorts of questions. Don't think I'd mind too much if I was asked, either.

ruty · 04/03/2009 09:43

i think at the moment everyone assumes everyone is cutting back, so probably it is their own unease which leads to the question. I know what you mean though. Mind you we are the poorest in quite an affluent neighbourhood so I never bother asking that question!

27T · 04/03/2009 09:45

"I am considerably richer than yow" (said in a Brummie accent) usually does the trick.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/03/2009 09:47

For me, it would depend on why I thought the question was being asked. If it was in an obviously judgey way - why on earth are you frittering your money on that? - it would be rude and intrusive. But we're all living through difficult times now and if I thought the person was genuinely looking for money-saving tips or tips on money management I wouldn't be offended (although, frankly, I'd be the last person that anyone would ask).

dilemma456 · 04/03/2009 09:47

Message withdrawn

JulesJules · 04/03/2009 09:52

Fairy Liquid??? It is 97p. You would have to be extremely hard up not to be able to afford 97p, I mean it's not like holidaying in Tuscany, is it?

thisisyesterday · 04/03/2009 09:58

it doesn't bother me that much, because I never feel I have to justify myself.
people have done it to me in the past and I have pointed out that I spend my money how I wish, and that I go without a lot of things that most people consider "must-haves" to be able to afford other things that I think are important.

it depends who is asking though, doesn't bother me if it's a friend but I would be pretty annoyed if someone who didn't really know me asked.

a friend of mine was in Tesco the other week and had just spent £170 on her food.
the woman behind her started having a right go and telling her how she shouldn't buy organic and that she was (and I quote) stupid to pay that much money for her shop!

i'd have twatted her with my organic parsnips personally. but there you go]

sarah293 · 04/03/2009 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pawslikepaddington · 04/03/2009 10:01

I get this too and it drives me nuts, as my income is a lot lower than those around me and I'm the only sp-I don't run two cars, my child is state educated and we don't eat out for every meal at the weekend-it soon adds up!

Morloth · 04/03/2009 10:06

I just tell people its all about priorities. I don't need flash clothes, don't have a car at all, all of our computers/phones/entertainment kit/furniture is only replaced when it stops working etc (and even then it is replaced with an eye on how long we think it will last rather than which is the flashest).

But I like to eat well and I love to travel in comfort and style. So our day to day lives may give the impression that we don't have much dosh so people have some trouble reconciling that to the sort of holidays we take.

My personal favourite is "It must be nice to do..." said in a snarky tone, to which I now reply "Yes, yes it is very nice indeed"

Don't worry about it just ignore them.

nomoreamover · 04/03/2009 10:10

I always reply "we budget"

Many people have no money to spend on little things cos they don't ever budget - we constantly write out little budgets throughout the month so we get to have whatever we want - and if we can't have it all we decide what we'll have this month and what will wait.

It annoys me that people always want to justify their existance by demanding to know how we manage things that they can't. YANBU - I agree wholeheartedly

hifi · 04/03/2009 10:40

cos we are loaded usually shuts them up

UndertheBoredwalk · 04/03/2009 10:46

I've had this recently, I'm taking DD on holiday this year, haven't been away for 3 or 4 years, I have saved and am still saving and going without to afford it.
But the amount of people who have said on learning we're going away. How can you afford that is getting very annoying. Is mostly family and very much said in a judgy manner. As if I'm supposed to be completely stone broke and should never be able to afford anything
I just say 'I saved' and leave it at that. Idiots, it's so rude.

nametaken · 04/03/2009 10:53

I once took my 3 small toddlers to mother and toddler in their brand new shiney clarks shoes and one of the other mummies looked them up and down and said to me

"oh, are those shoes new"

me "yes"

she "yes, but are they THIS seasons new shoes"

Like as if how the hell could I afford to buy my kids shoes.

I personally think a lot of it is envy.

paranoidmother · 04/03/2009 10:54

I know what you mean it annoys me. We are going on holiday this year to Disney Paris but we've not been away properly for a few years and aren't planning on going away again for about 5 years till we've saved up again. Also we had to replace the car this month and we've got an 8 month old car, again I get comments on how can you afford it.

Well we don't go away much, we don't go out much we've saved lots for the holiday and we couldn't afford to keep the old car as it was costing £££££££ to keep it on the road.

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/03/2009 10:57

My mum does this she goes mad how much I spend on shopping . I sometimes feel like telling her that if she hadn't given me such a complex about hungry bellies and empty cupboards when I was a child than maybe I wouldn't .

My sister is somewhat the same but she thinks we are loaded because shock horror we get wtc of course when she has a child she wont look into claiming it .

I agree it is envy .

Original poster
electra · 04/03/2009 11:00

at some of the anecdotes here - extremely rude. I think people have no right to ask questions like that. I am not even interested in what other people have and how they afford it. I have noticed people gossiping having conversations about other people behind their backs and find it very strange, vulgar and actually quite sad.....

OP posts:
muffle · 04/03/2009 11:02

I actually think this all the time but don't say it. I have friends who I know have less income than us/only one income, who have bought massive houses that we couldn't afford, and I'm baffled by it but I would never ask!

I also want to ask one friend "how (and why) do you buy those individual squirty smoothie sachets of which your 2 DC get through several each a day, and they cost 75p each!!!???" but again I don't say it. Am itching to though.

Original poster
electra · 04/03/2009 11:05

Thing is, people acquire money in all kinds of ways that may not be obvious to people on the outside of the situation, looking in....

OP posts:
Original poster
electra · 04/03/2009 11:06

It's normal to think it, but a cheek to say it imo.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 04/03/2009 11:08

There is a reverse phenomenon

Whereby people think you are absolutely loaded and are incredulous when you say you really can't afford something.

laweaselmys · 04/03/2009 11:14

I get both. My sister totally fails to understand the concept that our flexible cash is limited. My dad seems to find it shocking that we have any kind of flexible cash at all! Okay, we don't have a lot - but every so often we can do/buy something nice, even if it's only something very small.

I never can work out an ex colleague of mine though, who had neither her nor her husband working yet were putting up their older kids and had multiple cars. Given everything I have read on MN about how hard it is to live on benefits I was very curious. I never said anything though, they could just as easily as have saved up for it as anything else.

Pawslikepaddington · 04/03/2009 11:14

My friend came round for the first time in a year, and I am flat broke at the mo and I was talking about whether it as sensible to sell the car (as I am really desperate for some money!). He then said that there was no way I needed money as my furniture was so nice, and therefore I had spent too much on that-I inherited it last summer because my mum had always saved and bought really good furniture (as in unusual but somehow ageless bits and pieces)-it is nothing to do with my income! .

susie100 · 04/03/2009 11:22

Quattrocento - I am totally with you on that one. My parents in law seem to think because we both work we are squillionaires and constantly talk about our extravagant lifestyles and how much we spend

They are considerably richer than us!

DaphneMoon · 04/03/2009 11:27

It's just jealousy. When I changed my car which incidentally is on finance, I was expecting my Ex MIL to make a comment. Lo and Behold she said "Changed your car? It's alright for some" I replied that I work very hard for my money. She said this because she obviously feels that the pittance her son pays me maintenance was making him hard up. The funny thing is that a few months later he went out and bought a brand new motorbike. That soon shut her up.