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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be amazed about how many people think it is acceptable to ask you to explain how you afford something?

120 replies

electra · 04/03/2009 09:39

I have noticed, generally that a lot of people seem to find it normal to ask questions / make assumptions about other people's financial situations.

I would never do this - I think it's very rude. I often wonder how people afford certain things but would never ask them! Is this a hang up that just I have?

OP posts:
Ninkynork · 04/03/2009 18:43

I was once asked by a colleague in a packed staffroom how on earth I could afford to shop for food in M&S. I was only going there to get something small for dinner on my store card because I was completely out of money that month, plus it was the only place within walking distance as I can't drive. It was said in a really sneering tone too. She knew I was struggling to pay a mortgage on my own and both she and her husband were earning ace salaries. She must have either been trying to show me up for extravagance or for the admittedly stupid practice of using a credit card for food

Spidermama · 04/03/2009 18:44

PMSL @ 27T. My DH says this. He's a Brummy.

Spidermama · 04/03/2009 18:45

I don't think I'd mind. It's worse the other way round I'm sure, when people say, 'Why can't you afford a better TV/holiday/to have your car fixed/your house decorated etc etc'.

TiggyR · 04/03/2009 18:54

Noonki, I think the reason those with money seem more sensitive about being asked the price of things is that very often, when they are open with people they are accused of being flash and insensitive. They can't win really. It's very embarrassing if, for example, someone asks you how much your new cooker was and you know it probably cost more than their entire new kitchen! To tell them would just make them feel bad. Besides, I was brought up without any money at all, but I was still taught that it was rude to ask people about theirs.

MABS · 04/03/2009 18:56

I am often asked how we afford 2 kids at an expensive independent school,none of their bloody business!

JazzHands · 04/03/2009 19:05

Merryhenry it depends how it's asked though.

People ask me about finance type stuff quite a lot and I really don't mind them saying who's your mortgage with, what % is it, how do you pay your credit cards etc. Happy to talk about that. It's when people say how much is your mortgage, how much do you owe on your credit cards that it's rude IMO.

On the subject of how sensitive things are, I never say exactly where i live to people i don't know very well as it would very much trigger the question of how on earth we afforded it. The answer is of course that mummy and daddy helped me - which is a whole other round of judging and assumptions etc.

And of course that is another source of money for some people who appear to live a lifestyle/have material assets which are not in line with their jobs - inheritance and family. Again not something people like to talk about.

sleepyeyes · 04/03/2009 19:06

It's so rude, I'm always amazed when people do this. DH just says to reply completely dead pan "We're rich." We aren't but that would stop intrusive Questions!

The worst that I ever witnessed was towards my parents. In my teens we moved from the city to a commuter town into a very smart expensive area. Most of the neighbors kept their distance and were quite unfriendly. My mum eventually became friends with our next door neighbor and she told my mum the truth, the neighbors all though we were in the witness protection program! They couldn't believe a young couple (and quite clearly must have been teenage parents) from a rough city could afford a house in their area.
If they had taken the time to get to know my parents they would have known that my dad was a very talented chef who worked very hard from the age of 17 to make something of himself and provide for his family, they would also have realized my mum is the loveliest lady you could ever meet with more class and manners compared to ever other 'lady' in the neighborhood.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 04/03/2009 19:11

i was also pmsl @ the fairy liquid, then suddently remembered i always buy asda own brand
recently an acquaintance was agonising over whether to buy something or not, and said to me - 'if you were me, i mean if you can imagine you weren't rich, what would u choose' so I gave her the answer i thought a poro person would choose, but was because we are not rich, but I buy washing up liquid @ asda and furniture @ ikea and clothes @ matalan because in those cases I have absolutely no interest inbranded stuff, and so spend money on other things that matter to me - dc education, holidays, hence perception - very subjective.

Hassled · 04/03/2009 19:13

I did say it to a sort-of-a-friend and I'm not proud.

In my defence she had hacked me off - basically she likes me much more when I've agreed to come to yet another Virgin Vie or books party or whatever she's currently selling (and bought things), and her DCs do extra-curricular piano, violin, dance, football, tennis, horse-riding, football and cricket.

I was so annoyed by yet another "the weekends are just so busy what with all the activities" spiel, and I know damn well that it's all funded by the constant pressure she applies to everyone she knows to buy stuff from her, that I said "How do you afford all those lessons?"

It was all a bit quiet and awkward after that - not one of my finest moments.

princesstoxic · 04/03/2009 19:46

YANBU. It is just rude.

noonki · 04/03/2009 19:50

Tiggr Ithink you probably right. i don't think you can win, either you are viewed as having to much or too little.
Someone always has more or less and people's prioritise money so very differently, so even if you earn the same as someone else, they think it's normal to spend £50 on a new top, whereas someone else would view that as criminal yet owns two cars!

moosh · 04/03/2009 19:52

Exp does that and it really annoys me ...
I think "if you gave me more bloody maintenance than the pitance I get....I wouldn't be in debt paying for things that I have to pay for and on top of that all the things the kids need" !!! The fool !!

pointydog · 04/03/2009 20:01

what is it you can afford, op?

TiggyR · 04/03/2009 20:41

Also I am at an age when many of my friends are starting to receive money from parents' inheritances, and massively upgrade their houses, but both our parents are still relatively young and are only moderately well-off anyway. Even that can make a huge difference - if you are an only child and your parents had you in their late 30's and your father was a doctor, and they were both dead by 75, versus father was a roadsweeper, had you at 22 followed by four other kids, and lived to be 100!! No comparison really!

JazzHands · 04/03/2009 20:46

Precisely tiggy!

What I find strange is that a lot of people who have had inheritance/gifts never ever mention it and like to sort of imply that they have earnt it/made some amazing investments on the stock market or something rather than admit it just landed in their lap.

TiggyR · 04/03/2009 21:54

Absolutely! I knew a very nice couple in my old village who had three children of school age but were still very young themselves - they must have been parents by 20 or 22 I would say. They had working class accents, albeit nice ones IYSWIM! They lived in one of the 'nicer' most desirable roads in the village, in a very very nice modern 4 bed detached, and most of their neighbours would have been middle management, small business company directors, accountants, etc. Although I knew them vaguely from school I didn't really get to speak to them until they turned up at the same (quite expensive) holiday resort as us. In the course of conversation I asked him where he worked and he said at Kwikfit. I (to my embarrassment said, 'Oh, are you a branch manager or something?' and he said (without batting an eylid) 'No. Just a fitter'.

Well, me being me, and very polite, just left it, but I was a bit bewildered. A few months later, appropo(sp?) of nothing, someone who knew them well told me that when they were very young and first married in some housing association hutch in some horrid town that I wouldn't touch with a bargepole, they won a substantial amount of money with Readers Digest. (Yes, folks, some people really do win those!)

The thing is, that they were the nicest people, quite strict with their children, and their children were far more well mannered and beautifully behaved than some of the more middle class children I know! The scary thing is, that without that Reader's digest money they would have been the same people but with a very different lifestyle, and to my shame I may have viewed them differently, or made unfair assumptions.

ipanemagirl · 04/03/2009 22:40

TiggerR "and first married in some housing association hutch in some horrid town that I wouldn't touch with a bargepole"

not a particularly sensitive thing to put on an open forum focussing on rudeness!

Jajas · 04/03/2009 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiramissu · 04/03/2009 23:33

I find it very rude too.

And the most annoying thing is that usually comes from people who spend more! Like ie someone eats 3 times a week out or have take aways and then comes to your home, spots a mango on your kitchen counter and says : 'hmm they are expensive. How can you afford it?'Argh

Also, i think if you are in one of these categories-single mother, foreigner, or on benefits then you get this comment every time you dare to buy something.

I loved Goldtits response

TiggyR · 05/03/2009 07:05

Sorry, I didn't mean it to sound as spiteful as it sounded, I was just meaning that under different circumstances the same family would probably have lived in the road in the village that was full of, frankly, some dog-rough, anti-social people and extremely troublesome kids (some nice decent ones too) but it was the road where all the mums at toddler group or school would roll their eyes when it was mentioned, and if ever the police were in the village we always knew where they were going! My point was that it would have been easy to make assumptions about that family because of that, and that would be plain wrong. I kind of did myself down a bit by making it sound as if I wouldn't want to know anyone in LA housing, when actually, I was trying to make the point that the opposite is true, and that we shouldn't think we know someone because of what they have or don't have. (which, in a rambling way was my point about the OP!) I was also being a bit tongue in cheek about the 'hutch' comment, and deliberately sounding sniffy, to illustrate how easy it can be to become like that when you forget what it's like for others. It was poking fun at myself a bit but it didn't come through - sorry!

Jajas · 05/03/2009 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JazzHands · 05/03/2009 09:36

I make a point of never asking people what they do or what their partners do. It's such a dull question and waht people are really asking is "how much money do you have/are you more or less successful than me?". I try and think of questions which might reveal a little about someone's personality rather than the job thing, I hate it when anyone asks me that as I know all they are trying to do is put me in a box.

electra · 05/03/2009 10:11

Completely agree, JazzHands. That's something I've noticed too....

OP posts:
TiggyR · 05/03/2009 10:49

I know it's a boring cliche but to be honest it can be a reliable and helpful opener to get to know someone - they might do something really fascinating, or be something you've always dreamt of being, so you could ask them loads of genuinely interested questions, which they would find flattering, or they might do the same as you which means you may have loads in common, and know many of the same people. I agree about asking people other more interesting non-job related questions as well, but it would be truly weird if you went to a drinks party and started every introduction with 'what star sign are you and what are your hobbies?'

JazzHands · 05/03/2009 11:09

Do you not think there's always an element of "judging" with the question though tiggy?

If someone answers "MD of a multnational" and another person says "I run my own business doing acting" and another says " I am unemployed" don't all those answers immediataly make you fit the people into stereotypes?

I know we all always judge with everything, but that question is particularly loaded. Also "where exactly do you live?".

I really really hate "what do you do" as a converastion opener. I fully accept that it is just me though

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