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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the urgency to get married just because we have children together?!

160 replies

Zebraa · 02/03/2009 20:40

I'm mid twenties, have two children (15 months and 2 weeks) both were not planned, second one actually more of a suprise than the first! I'm a teacher but had to give it up once I got pregnant with DD whilst on mat leave. My DP has a really good job but like me, is young and just at the start of his career etc.

All my friends and family came over at weekend and we went out for dinner and the topic for the night seemed to be when is my DP asking me to marry him! Ok, funny at first but it seemed everyone and their dog feels we should get married as we have two babies! If we didn't have children, they wouldn't feel the need to say it as our friends have been together years, have no kids and nobody says anything to them.

So, AIBU to think marriage isn't the rule just because we've started a family?!!

OP posts:
tribpot · 02/03/2009 20:43

Zebraa, I think you might get is the view from the widows' side. We have a number of ladies who have lost their dear ones, and the consensus seems to be that doing it married - whilst terrible - is better than doing it not married. All I'll say on this - I'm not a marriage person even tho I am married myself! And v glad having read those threads that I am - whilst recognising it isn't for all.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 02/03/2009 20:44

It certainly gives you more security, legally. If you split, if (god forbid) one of you dies..

EllieG · 02/03/2009 20:46

No, YANBU - I think it's just the security thing, like others have said. But you can arrange that for you and kids if not married - drawing up wills and making sure DP has PR etc and.

trixymalixy · 02/03/2009 20:48

read this

compo · 02/03/2009 20:49

have you discussed it with dp?
I always wanted to get married, then dp knew this so he proposed
if you're both ok with not being married that's fine
who's surname do the kids have?
I was always adamant I would have the same surname as my kids so if we hadn't married dh would have had a different surname to his kids

SlightlyMadScotland · 02/03/2009 20:52

I think the thread that trixymalixy linked to is the only thing you need to read .

EllieG · 02/03/2009 20:53

We got married when DD was born. I wasn't fussed - did it more for her really. Read that thread and very glad I did.

Original poster
Zebraa · 02/03/2009 20:59

That's a bit heavy and I am sure with a good moral but I'm hormonal having a newborn and and don't want to upset myself.

I was literally just stating what is the pressure for marriage all about. Gets on my nerves. We're both equally their parents, and I don't even know if I want to get married. I just felt pissed off with everyone elses assumptions.

OP posts:
EllieG · 02/03/2009 21:01

Oh that's a whole other issue - I agree with that entirely - just tell 'em to feck off and mind their own business

Sorry - didn't mean to stress you out x

Ashantai · 02/03/2009 21:04

I with you, i'm not that fussed about being married either, might do it one day but right now its not important for me at all.

The kids have their dads name and sometimes ask me why mine is different but even then it doesnt make me wanna rush to the register office.

I definately wouldnt do it if i had pressure from my family!

morningpaper · 02/03/2009 21:07

Well there is no point asking the question if you don't want to upset yourself

You should get married to give your children financial security in case one of you dies

If you don't get married, you are risking their future financial security

lottiebunny · 02/03/2009 21:19

When my grandad died his longterm girlfriend suffered a lot because they hadn't married. She couldn't shut bank accounts etc, couldn't get death certificates, couldn't even decide when his ventilator was switched off. They thought that not getting married was easiest now that they couldn't have children but seeing the poor woman not have the right to make any decisions about grandad's care because she wasn't his next of kin.

I'm certainly don't think that marriage is the be all and end all or that you have to be married now that you have kids but it is worth thinking about as a method of securing yours and your childrens future interests.

trixymalixy · 02/03/2009 21:23

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you by posting the link to Yorkiegirl's thread.

Here is a less upsetting link with the facts.

It is totally up to you whether you get married or not, and it isn't really fair of your friends and family to pressurise you, but you are in a totally different situation to your childless unmarried friends.

You seem to think you are too young to get married being in your mid twenties. Sorry, but accidents can happen at any age.

random · 02/03/2009 21:28

I've been with my partner for 30 years ..have 3 children ...would not get married for financial reasons or because I felt pressured to do so ..you should do whatever feels right for you

Original poster
Zebraa · 02/03/2009 21:42

Marrying for financial security might make a lot of sense, but it's not the reason to get married to someone as far as I am concerned.

OP posts:
mummypig · 02/03/2009 21:45

hi zebraa, even after having had ds1 together most people knew I was quite anti-marriage so left us alone. (I'm sure they all thought we ought to get married but didn't want to tell me that to my face.) I found the Which? Guide to Living Together book was quite useful. All the things like being seen as 'next of kin', both parents having parental responsibility, appointing legal guardians or working out who inherits your money if you die can actually be covered without being married. It may be easier to fill in the paperwork if you are married but after having gone through the book I was happy that I'd covered all the worst-case scenarios if one or both of us died.

I also found the 'Advice Now' website useful. From this site, unmarried partners can even print off a 'next of kin' card to carry in their wallet incase anything awful happens and they get taken to hospital.

Anyway since having ds2, we bought a house together, and then I became a sahm and completely financially dependent on dp. I realised the one scenario I hadn't really covered was dp leaving me. So we got married, but we did it 'secretly' and of our rl friends, only our two witnesses know we are married. I still think of dp as dp. Some people just assume we're married anyway, others who know us better assume we're not. It's strange that the first group have it right and the others don't!

It's completely up to you and it probably depends on what you think marriage signifies. To me it was just getting legal recognition of the partnership we'd been in for over 15 yrs. And we didn't have any problems over who to invite or not, and what other people expected from us. (That's one of the things I find hardest about weddings - other people tend to bring along their baggage and expectations. Weddings can be a bit like Christmas in that respect .)

mummypig · 02/03/2009 21:46

hi zebraa, even after having had ds1 together most people knew I was quite anti-marriage so left us alone. (I'm sure they all thought we ought to get married but didn't want to tell me that to my face.) I found the Which? Guide to Living Together book was quite useful. All the things like being seen as 'next of kin', both parents having parental responsibility, appointing legal guardians or working out who inherits your money if you die can actually be covered without being married. It may be easier to fill in the paperwork if you are married but after having gone through the book I was happy that I'd covered all the worst-case scenarios if one or both of us died.

I also found the 'Advice Now' website useful. From this site, unmarried partners can even print off a 'next of kin' card to carry in their wallet incase anything awful happens and they get taken to hospital.

Anyway since having ds2, we bought a house together, and then I became a sahm and completely financially dependent on dp. I realised the one scenario I hadn't really covered was dp leaving me. So we got married, but we did it 'secretly' and of our rl friends, only our two witnesses know we are married. I still think of dp as dp. Some people just assume we're married anyway, others who know us better assume we're not. It's strange that the first group have it right and the others don't!

It's completely up to you and it probably depends on what you think marriage signifies. To me it was just getting legal recognition of the partnership we'd been in for over 15 yrs. And we didn't have any problems over who to invite or not, and what other people expected from us. (That's one of the things I find hardest about weddings - other people tend to bring along their baggage and expectations. Weddings can be a bit like Christmas in that respect .)

MrsMattie · 02/03/2009 21:47

What is a good reason to get married, then?@Zebraa. You love each other, have two kids together and want to give each other the financial security that marriage affords. I can't think of any other reasons...

Original poster
Zebraa · 02/03/2009 21:50

I already stated I'm not wholly sure I even want to get married. If and when I do, I want it to be because DP and I want to, not because we feel pressured into it because we have children together.

OP posts:
diedandgonetodevon · 02/03/2009 21:59

Maybe you should have considered that before you had children as now you have other considerations to ponder with regard to marriage.

MrsMattie · 02/03/2009 21:59

Sorry, I didn't mean you should get married if you really don't want to, just because people are pressurising you to. Of course not. I just mean that they are generally the reasons people get married - to have kids/because they already have kids; because they love each other and feel it is a sign of commitment or somehow romantic; and/or for financial/legal security.

wrinklytum · 02/03/2009 22:07

If you do not get married at least make a will.I am still not married but am aiming to do it purely for financial security reasons soon (I mean obv I love dp,but we had never seen a reason to marry as have been co-habiting happily 14 years).The main reason stems from the fact that a couple of years ago dp was seriously ill to the point where it looked as if he was dying.Amidst all the stress of his illness I was looking into all our finance issues and found that as a co habitee if he had died intestate there would have been a hideous lot of legal wrangling and so on.So if marraige isn't your thing at least look at making sure you both make a will so if the worst happens you won't be in a big financial nightmare xxx

Original poster
Zebraa · 02/03/2009 22:23

What a depressing thread!! Thank you for all your comments.

OP posts:
diedandgonetodevon · 02/03/2009 22:27

'Fraid it's a case of don't ask when you don't want to hear the answer.

themildmanneredjanitor · 02/03/2009 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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