To not see the urgency to get married just because we have children together?!

[Zebraa]

I'm mid twenties, have two children (15 months and 2 weeks) both were not planned, second one actually more of a suprise than the first! I'm a teacher but had to give it up once I got pregnant with DD whilst on mat leave. My DP has a really good job but like me, is young and just at the start of his career etc.

All my friends and family came over at weekend and we went out for dinner and the topic for the night seemed to be when is my DP asking me to marry him! Ok, funny at first but it seemed everyone and their dog feels we should get married as we have two babies! If we didn't have children, they wouldn't feel the need to say it as our friends have been together years, have no kids and nobody says anything to them.

So, AIBU to think marriage isn't the rule just because we've started a family?!!

well there's no denying that Mila

except to say that it's just as often NOT ripped up!

I think the trouble is in your 20's you really don't want to think about it all. I feel sorry for Zebraa, I don't think she got the messages she imagined! I hesitated to join in because it is a totally depressing subject but it is better to be prepared.

I got married for 2 reasons 1 ...I loved my Dh ...and 2 because we knew it would be harder after the children were born 'financially'...personally I can't understand how one can make a child with a man which is a livelong bond and commitment but they are worried about marriage!...at least you can divorce an idiot/ass...you can't put a child back it's done...that man is in your life for ever..

Lots of people who have children are not only not married, but not in couples either. Children these days are aware that families come in different kinds, and that's a good thing. ANyway, reading about all the abusive, controlling, vile husbands on here always makes me wonder, not so much why women want to get married (everyone always thinks that it will be different for them and in many cases, of course, the marriage works perfectly OK) but why there is such constant pressure on women who are not keen on marriage or couplehood to engage in them.

My partner proposed on my birthday and I said yes. haha

Congratulations zebraa. I hope you will have a very long and happy marriage.

My parents were not married, my mum was married before and my brothers and sisters have a different father to me. I always knew that I would never have children unless I was married even though it is not exactly the norm in our family.

I can't really explain why marriage is so important to me but I know that I needed the committment of marriage before even thinking about children as having children is a much bigger committment than getting married and I wanted that security for my family.

I have a friend who was supposed to be getting married but the wedding was called off as her fiance got cold feet but they were still going to have a family. I was completely about it at the time. He said that he took marriage very seriously and wasn't prepared to get married unless he was 100% sure it was the right thing and yet he was quite happy to have children. I don't understand that view myself. Perhaps I am biased because my parents were not married - I don't know.

Just saw your latest post Zebraa. Congratulations!!!

my dp and I have been together 15 years, have 1 dd and are not married - and don't intend to be any time soon. FAQinglovely- Re who would look after our DD if anything happened to me - well he has legal parental responsibility so there would be no issue with anyone having to give him permission to look after her?

We have each other named as beneficiaries for life assurance policies etc, houses comes automatically to survivor - so only financial befefit would be the widows benefit - and given the cost of a wedding these days it would take some time to recoup our costs on that one!

cost of a registery office wedding - I don't know - but I don't think it's that much more than a single weeks worth of widows benefit.

I am seeing all these posts on here about people not seeing any point to getting married, despite having kids to someone they say they are in a committed relationship with. I have to say, some of them come across as being slightly defensive. I'm not sure why people don't look at it from a slightly different angle - if you have all the above in place: the love, commitment, children together etc, then look at it like this: why NOT get married?

There is no need to do the whole white wedding thing (I didn't - the whole idea made me want to barf - sorry if that offends anyone but each to their own and all that!) if cost or even just hating the whole tradiional aspect would put you off. These days you can get married almost in whatever way you like. You could do it on your own as a little family if you so wish - with only the children there, and strangers from the street to be the legal witnesses. Then you as a family could go and have a lovely, memorable day out in whatever way you choose to make it special. As you would, say, a family birthday or something.

So, i put it to you this way, you reluctant lot - why AREN'T you married?! Is it purely because people see it as an anti-feminist, outdated ball-and-chain type of concept?

I'm sorry, but I just don't see why people feel so strongly against it these days. Why NOT do it?

Congratulations to Zebraa by the way - have a lovely wedding day, however you choose to celebrate it! Marriage is there to enjoy - not endure!

Marriage at a registry office costs a total of 103.50.

You both have to give notice in person (30 quid each) at your local registry office. You then have to wait 15 days for the registrar(s) to display your notice so anyone can object - this is what they do instead of the banns reading in church (oddly you have 3 banns in church ). Once that 15 days is over your notice is good for a year.

You then pay 43.50 to the registrar on the day of the wedding.

I would imagine that putting in place the legal formalities to give your DP the same legal powers over your estate and children on your death that are conveyed automatically by marriage would cost a lot more than 103.50. A four year qualified solicitor charges about 150 per hour.

Your principles will not help pay the bills if, god forbid, your relationship falls apart and he walks away. He is obliged to pay maintenance to your kids, but has NO obligation to maintain you, even if you are a SAHM. Sorry, I'm sure your relationaship is great now but things CAN change and you can never predict how your DP will behave in such a situation.

If he dies it still more complicated even if wills drawn up - possible claims on his estate by obscure relative etc.

It's just one of those formalities you go through to give your kids security - think of it as just another insurance policy.

Blimey, don't hold back ladies, will you?

I feel the same as the OP. My partner and I are actively trying for a baby, with no plans to get married at the moment. Horrors!

Legally and in terms of insurance etc, we'll make sure everything is in place. That is our business and we'll sort it. Unmarried parents do have the same rights as married couples, since 2003, providing the father registers the birth alongside the mother. We're not just bumbling into this blindly and will prepare accordindly.

I don't want/need to make a public declaration of love- private declarations suit me just fine. I don't get that argument at all. I don't need to declare anything publicly, least of all anything to do with my most personal relationship.

We have been together for years, and done the whole better/worse, sickness/health thing to the Nth degree. Friends of mine have met, married and separated in the time we've been together. The fact that we are still together and planning the next exciting stage in our life is celebration enough for me.

I never once gave a thought to my parents or my friends' parents being married or not when I was a kid. In fact, it only became relevant when my parents divorced.

We will probably get married one day, but it frustrates me that once we do get pregnant, we'll have to spend hours defending ourselves. (My brother actually said "you can't have a baby before you're married? What will Granny say?!"). And, frankly, I'm not spending thousands of pounds, or even caving to pressure to have a quickie cheapo ceremony, just fend off this type of pressure.

So no. You are not being unreasonable, IMO.

Financial security is a very good reason to get married in England, as English law is very favourable indeed to wives (some of the most favourable in the world).

but you don't need to make it "public" - you only need to witnesses (and you can drag them off the street on your way into the registry office if you're that desperate ) - you can get married for just over £100 so it doesn't have to be £1000's either.

The OP is in fact getting married now, Joy.

The children is one thing, but there are issues about consent for medical treatment, ownership of property etc etc which have already been explained in detail. Not to mention the not entirely trivial issue of 82 ish quid a week widow's benefit.

Has anyone mentioned pensions as well?

Certainly not all of them will pay if you're not married/in a civil partnership.

Getting married really doesn't have to change anything. We got married for financial and security reasons, and most people don't even know. Neither dh or I changed our names. There's an extra bit of paper in the filing cabinet and that's it. I still forget we're married and talk about 'dp' on Mumsnet.

Ok, whilst that link on page 1 was very sad, am I confused in thinking that marriage is supposed to be about two peoples commitment and not for financial security? Jees, it's threads like this that convince me more and more everyday that I don't want to ever get married.

'Marrying for financial security might make a lot of sense, but it's not the reason to get married to someone as far as I am concerned.'

I have to say I agree.

I'm aware that I may hold a slightly romantic view here, but why should anybody feel like they have to get married just because they have children together and just in case 'something should happen to the other person' it'll make it easier to sort out the finances later.

Get married because you want to get married, not becasue it 'seems like the right thing to do.' OP no you are not being unreasonable. Do what is right for you and ignore other peoples comments.

ermm is having children not also a commitment???? Not sure how that argument stands up

Joy - Sorry your family are giving you a hard time and imposing their "morals" on you - Granny will just have to live with it!

I don't see the marriage & kids thing in that way at all, neither do the posters on here that i have read. It is just the legal and financial security aspects that are a concern - and there ARE issues - making wills and drawing up legal contracts do not deal with all the possible issues, and will cost a lot in legal fees.

No-one is saying getting married will stop a couple splitting up! But if you do split up and have kids to consider, being married offers a lot more safeguards for mother and kids. Its just the hard facts of life.

I would never impose my views on marriage on anyone but views were invited! No one has to TAKE any of the advice!

Oh and huge congrats on getting engaged

I don't think many people on this thread married some random punter just for financial security CatchaStar.

Some would have been happy to continue to co-habit (no doubt very much in love and committed to their relationship) but decided to marry for practical/legal reasons.

I think people on this thread have just been trying to counter the "it's just a piece of paper" argument. It isn't just a peice of paper.

I can't understand why other people's reasons for marriage would make you not want to marry. That sounds really odd.

Having kids is a MUCH greater commitment than getting married, so why is the getting married bit such an issue with some posters?

Romance is all very well but it don't pay the rent!